Bad Furries: FBI Seeks Help Locating the "Teddy Bear Bandit"
Sometimes a fetish can just go too far. There's nothing wrong with two adults sharing a little 50 shades of naughty in the privacy of their own bedroom. Hell, if they want to dress up like, oh, I don't know, giant fuzzy bears and roll around inside their "den" of iniquity, it's a damn free country. Our forefathers died so people could dress in pleather and spank each other with wooden paddles, damnit!
I always feel like some Teddy's watching me...
But when one takes that fetish out of the bedroom and unleashes it on unsuspecting bank tellers, well, sir, I for one must object. I am assuming that was the motivation of the "Teddy Bear Bandit," as he has been dubbed by the FBI (check the sketch out...dang). Why else would an otherwise perfectly normal criminal dress in a furry costume to rob a bank?
According to a release from the FBI, TBB (I'm clever with nicknames that way) robbed the J.P. Morgan Chase Bank at 4165 FM 1960 near Veterans Memorial Drive in the early morning hours of Tuesday, June 4. He allegedly forced his way into the bank just before it opened. He then assaulted one of the tellers -- not seriously, thankfully -- and fired a couple of shots into the wall of the bank, you know, for good measure. He managed to walk away with a paw full of cash.
According to eyewitnesses, he was a dark-skinned black male, about six feet tall, in his twenties to early thirties with a skinny build. He wore a long-sleeved jacket and jeans. The key fashion touch to his ensemble was a brown fur hat with furry ears and a tail.
Okay, first, was it necessary to say the ears were furry? That detail seems rather obvious if the hat was, indeed, furry. But I digress. Still, it had a tail, which is odd. The fact that it didn't have stripes and did have ears means he was not, in fact, Davy Crockett, so we can remove him from the suspect list.
Obviously, the first thing the FBI should do is search Etsy. After that, they should consult local furries. Finally, if all else fails, they will need to pull out the big guns and go to a Cosplay convention. It's a shame this happened after Comicpalooza was here in Houston. They probably could have given the FBI the name of the brand, maybe even the very seamstress who concocted this furry headdress.
The FBI's Bank Robbery Task Force needs your help to identify a robber who wore a rather unusual hat during a bank robbery -- a "teddy bear hat." The hat has earned him the nickname of the "Teddy Bear Bandit." He's responsible for robbing the J.P. Morgan Chase Bank located at 4165 FM 1960 West in Houston on Tuesday, June 4. The FBI is releasing a Lois Gibson sketch of the bandit and his hat. The sketch is attached to this press release.
Oh, well, this dude is out there giving fetishists a seriously bad name. He's pistol-whipping people before they ask for it and not even giving them a safe word! Crime Stoppers is offering a $5,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of TBB. That's enough to buy you a whole lot of dungeon accessories, freak. If you have information, please call the Tip Line at 713-222-TIPS (8477) or the Houston office of the FBI at 713-693-5000, and help bring this furry menace to justice.