Summer of Johnny: Looks Like the Haters Got to Manziel
Every hero has his setbacks. Nothing is forever, and no story is just a perpetual arrow pointing upward, with puppy dogs and gumdrops (or, in this case, bikini-clad coeds and Jell-O shots) 24 by 7.
Rocky had to get his brains splattered by Clubber Lang one time, Luke Skywalker had to get his hand chopped off by Darth Vader (Happy fucking Father's Day!), and even Arnold wound up in the bicycle shop with Mr. Carlson for a little while on Diff'rent Strokes before getting the hell out of there. (Dudley wasn't so lucky.)
This weekend, it would appear at least (details are a tad sketchy), we hit our first pothole in the cavalcade of Patron, tail, golf and bay fishing that is the Summer of Johnny.
It started with this tweet:
Don't ever forget that I love A&M with all of my heart, but please please walk a day in my shoes— Johnny Manziel (@JManziel2) June 16, 2013
My response to this tweet:
Walk a day in your shoes?
As best I can tell in cobbling together a rough schedule from his Twitter, Instagram and Vine accounts, here is what an agenda of a day in Johnny Manziel's shoes looks like:
6:57 a.m. Wake up
7:00 a.m. Golf at [fill in name of exclusive private course here]
12:01 p.m. Beach
12:03 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
12:06 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
12:14 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
12:21 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
12:24 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
12:31 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
12:34 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
12:42 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
12:48 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
12:51 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
12:59 p.m. BODY SHOTS!
4:15 p.m. Country music video
5:30 p.m. Shower (and depending on with whom...um, BODY SHOTS!)
7:05 p.m. Courtside, bitches!
10:30 p.m. Lots and lots of free shit...free food, free booze, free poon, just...FREE!
1:30 a.m. Use the right arm of the Heisman as a sex toy
I guess what I'm asking, Johnny, is, "Are you taking reservations for that walk in your shoes?" because if you are, I'm guessing that I have to just keep pounding redial until I get through to your reservation specialist. Unless there's something awful going on in Johnny's life that somehow hasn't drifted into the 24-hour news cycle that follows him around in perpetuity, I'm going to guess that the list of people who would trade a thousand days of their own to walk one day in Johnny Manziel's shoes looks like this:
1. Every heterosexual male
At this point in our saga, we are still not sure what set our
possibly booze addled hero off, but it apparently got worse.
Later that night, 1:38 a.m. (in whatever time zone this screen cap took place), Johnny posted this tweet, which has since been deleted, but you can see at the top of this post.