Drugs, Sex & the Rockets: 5 Reasons Why a Hospital Stay Sucks

Categories: Whatever

Not available in real life.
No one likes a hospital stay. That's pretty much a given.

But why don't they like it? We need research!

Luckily (sorta), I've had some experience lately -- a six-week stay that ended in January, and a surprise return visit last week. So let me offer my five reasons why staying in a hospital sucks.

5. False advertising
You know all those porno movies, back in the day when they had to have at least 35 seconds of plot and dialogue before the bass kicked in and the lovin' began? Half of them involved a voluptuous nurse getting it on with an initially confused but eventually happily surprised patient. Turns out, such things never happen.

No wonder they invented the Internet.

4. The amazing lack of options on the Pain Medicine poster
Every hospital room these days, or at least the ones I've been in, has a small poster concerning pain and pain medicines.

It consists of a row of a half-dozen or so faces, designed to indicate how much pain you're in. If you've got a sad face, say, your pain level is six. A sad face with curved eyebrows, though, and you're moving into eight territory. (Since you can't actually see your eyebrows at the time, it makes such self-diagnosis difficult.)

The object of any patient, as everyone knows, is to get as much pain medicine as possible. But there isn't a face to indicate that option.

Sure, in this version of the poster...

...ol' Number One on the far left looks fairly happy.

But where are the headphones blasting his favorite music into his ears while he sings screamingly along? Where's the tweeting little birdie circling around his skull, indicating knocked-out bliss? Where's any evidence that he now finds Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay to be funny?

That's the level of pain medicine we're seeking, and it's not on the menu. You call that customer service?

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Sounds like Mr Smiley wanted to usurp Jenna Jamison's role and comfort you as only a man of the cloth can do.

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