Steve Stockman Wants Zygotes as Armed as the Rest of Us

Categories: Get Lit

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Arm 'em! Arm 'em to the baby teeth!
After vowing to impeach President Obama and inviting Ted Nugent to this year's State of the Union address, it's clear that Steve Stockman is just the gift that keeps on giving. And now, it seems it's your turn to give someone the gift that Steve Stockman, and the rest of the far-right loon-bin, can stand firmly behind.

According to Stockman's campaign Twitter feed -- the Congressman is up for reelection in 2014 -- there seems one logical solution to the issue of abortion that, forty years into its legalization, continues to bring moral ruin to the infanticidal maniacs sitting in Washington. Per a new bumper sticker released Thursday, the only way to keep the li'l zygotes from reaching fruition is to toss them some Colt .45s and let God sort 'em out.

As the new bumper sticker reads, "If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted." Ignoring every sort of plea of logic and disdain and guttural scream you might be mustering, let's give Stockman the benefit of the doubt and say that he doesn't actually believe it's feasible to swing a sawed-off into a womb. (As one Tweeter said, "I highly doubt that a fetus would have the strength or dexterity to pull the trigger & would be killed by the recoil anyway.") Ignore, also, the seeming insistence that mothers have suddenly turned into monarchical tyrants, or that there is, you know, no correlation whatsoever between gun rates per capita and democracy and personal freedoms.

Ignore all that. Because that's the only way you're going to keep your lunch down, and the only way you'll manage to keep your composure long enough to send in an order for enough bumper stickers to later plaster all over your body next Halloween. Can just see it now: "Baretta Baby -- Putting the Die Back in Diaper!"

Not to mention a t-shirt saying "(Armed) Baby On Board." The Be Sharps would have to re-work their famous hit ("Into a rappity hip-hopper song," Stockman and his hipper supporters would no doubt add.)

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11 comments
frankkarlburns
frankkarlburns

Actually, if fetuses had guns they still would be aborted. They would have no way to know what was going on, or how to pull the trigger. This case is even more obvious when you replace "fetus" for "blastula" or "fertilized egg." I don't supposed that spouting a falsehood bothers this guy, however.

adammchristensen
adammchristensen

Bumper Stickers are generally just a bad idea.  Bumperstickersaredumb.com has some pretty funny ones

Tiff
Tiff

I also find it extremely concerning that no one on his communications team thought to use a comma where it so obviously belongs: "If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted."  Can't we get someone who completed high school English on this team?  That should probably be a basic credential for a campaign communications position.

The subtler element to this pro-gun, anti-abortion message is the hint of an anti-education persuasion, as well.  ;)

Jimi Austin
Jimi Austin

I bet Kermit Gosnell is a hero to the HP.

Robert Elder
Robert Elder

It really is not that hard of a joke to follow

Jimi Austin
Jimi Austin

So if I understand you correctly, unless you're against our right to own guns for self defense and in favor of using abortion as a form of birth control, you're somehow an idiot in your eyes? No wonder your paper has gotten so thin in the past 10 years.

sean447
sean447

I think its time to show the world that Texas isnt the backwards ass hillbilly place so many think it is.

Lets start by kicking this freak motherfucker out on his stupid teabagger ass!

What a fucking loser!

Im getting really sick of the "Christians" trying to run the country into the ground.


GET THIS NASTY MOTHERFUCKER OUT OF TEXAS!

Send his stupid ass back to Detroit where he belongs!


Robert Blain
Robert Blain

Didn't Texas Monthly call him "Congressman Clueless"? I'm just glad I don't live in his district. I'd be embarrassed for this (even if I was a conservative).

GWEST
GWEST

@Jimi Austin YOUR MOMMA understands me correctly!!!

H_e_x
H_e_x

@Jimi Austin I only use guns as birth controls. Anything else is for Commie-Nazis and neck-beards.

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