2013 NFL Draft, First Round: 4 Winners, 4 Losers

Categories: Game Time, Sports

Alex Flanagan wins again.
All right, it's Friday morning, and either you're hungover from getting destroyed by the Battle-Drink BINGO drinking card for the NFL Draft or you're mentally exhausted from sweating out all the NFL Draft prop bets I shared with you earlier this week. Either way, however shitty you feel is likely my fault, so I'm just gonna give you some good ol' fashioned draft analysis to get you through breakfast.

Here are four winners and four losers from last night's first round of the NFL Draft:


4. Alex Flanagan
The Notre Dame sideline reporter drew the highly enviable task of flying to Hawaii to presumably cover Manti Te'o on draft night for the NFL Network, although for the entire evening she appeared outdoors on a beach somewhere and I don't recall once seeing Te'o in a shot with her. Honestly, I could have gotten the same insight from a reporter standing on a street in Bumfuck, Indiana, so long as that person had Manti Te'o's cell phone number and enough time to make a phone call before the draft started. So why is Flanagan a winner? Well, Te'o didn't get drafted in the first round, so she gets to boondoggle the company out of at least one more night of lobster, mai tais and a cool island breeze!

3. New England Patriots
One of my favorite draft traditions is when Bill Belichick uses his Sith powers to convince a decision-maker for another NFL team to forfeit entire chunks of their draft over to New England. And thus begins the 2013 chapter in that story, where Rick Spielman and the Minnesota Vikings decided to give up their second-, third-, fourth- and seventh-round picks for the 29th selection overall to use on Tennessee wide receiver Cordarrelle Patterson. Forking over four picks in a wide receiver-heavy draft in which only two had been taken so far...only Bill Belichick could be on the receiving end of such charity.

2. D.J. Hayden
Less than six months ago, Houston cornerback D.J. Hayden was rushed to the hospital near death after this collision in practice:

Thursday night, he heard his name called in New York as the 12th player taken in the first round of the NFL Draft. Incredible story that would have the perfect ending if he were drafted by almost any other team but the Raiders. As it is, it's still pretty damn good.

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Alex Flanagan has wooden teeth and a bit of meth face.

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