(UPDATE: I'm an Idiot) Chandler Parsons's Curious Case of (Ahem) "Food Poisoning"

Categories: Game Time, Sports

Stay away, Chandler.
UPDATE: Apparently the boys at the Dream Shake blog perpetuated the story below about Chandler Parsons, complete with Twitter corroboration from Parsons' friends, as an April Fools' prank. What you read below is my falling for it! So Chandler Parsons apparently did have food poisoning on Monday, like for real. So thoughts and prayers to Parsons' lower intestines. I humbly leave evidence of my gullibility and naiveté online for all of you to enjoy! So, ENJOY!

Twice an hour during my afternoon radio show, longtime Houston reporter extraordinaire David Dalati comes on and gives an update on things going on around the world of sports -- basically, standard sports-flash-type stuff with some interview nuggets from Dalati's tireless efforts of the day mixed in.

Well, on Monday, Dalati was giving some Rockets tidbits in advance of Monday's game against the Orlando Magic, including this one:

"Rockets forward Chandler Parsons will miss the game tonight with a case of.......food poisoning."

Those ellipses dots are in there intentionally, and you'll see why in a second.

Now, it's not out of the realm of possibility for a basketball player to contract food poisoning. It happens to human beings all the time, and basketball players are human beings (except LeBron James, who is clearly some sort of cyborg sent to lull us all into a false sense of amazement before he consumes us with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse.)

Hell, this wasn't even the Rockets' first case of food poisoning to affect the lineup this season. Back in December, Carlos Delfino missed a game against the Spurs after he was intentionally fed spoiled sausage by Manu Ginobili inadvertently ate some bad sausage at Manu Ginobili's house.

However, David Dalati's ever so discernible pause before he uttered the words "food poisoning" in the Parsons news bite was enough for me to a) ascertain some slight skepticism in Dalati's voice that Parsons was indeed poisoned by food, and b) raise the question with my co-host John Granato that, based on Dalati's seeming cynicism, perhaps the food poisoning story was a cover-up for something else.

After all, Chandler Parsons is 24 years old, good-looking, rich and single. Other than J.J. Watt, he is probably the most sought-after bachelor athlete in Houston. So "food poisoning" could be a cover for everything from a hangover to Parsons's being chained to the bedpost by a $2,000-per-hour hooker.

Well, as it turns out, and a big hat tip to my friends over at the Dream Shake blog, "food poisoning" might actually be code for "gluttony."

It started with a few tweets regarding Parsons's "triple double" on Sunday night:

Now, it was obvious that the "triple double" in question had nothing to do with basketball. The hashtag for "Corndogs" was certainly an indicator of this, and then add in the fact that the Rockets didn't have a game on Sunday. That's a dead giveaway!

So what exactly is this non-basketball "triple double" in which Parsons allegedly partook?

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Sean, did you hear about Manti Te'o's girlfriend? She died. 

johnnybench topcommenter

"or as Carlos Lee likes to call it, 'breakfast.'"

Seriously.  Let it go, Sean.  Let it go.

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