Help for Hacks: A Comprehensive List of Athletes Getting Paid More Than the Astros' Entire Payroll

Categories: Game Time, Sports

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The Astros prove it is possible for them to score a run.
Comedy is a combination of hard work, creativity and timing, and -- depending on which comedians you talk to -- an ample amount of drugs may or may not be involved as well.

I don't claim to be a professional comedian. Not even close. But I do think I have a decent ear for humor, an ability to discern not only whether or not humor exists, but also what the shelf lives are for certain jokes or stories. Very few things are funny forever. Hell, in 2013, very few things are funny for more than a few days.

So I can say without hesitation that, after a shelf life of a solid three or four days, the jokes about "_________ is getting paid more than the Houston Astros in 2013." are played out. Toast. Done.

Naturally, my assessment won't stop the talking heads on Baseball Tonight or other wisecrackers from oozing their inevitable snark any time the Astros, Alex Rodriguez or money are topical. And God forbid the Astros are actually relevant for any period of time this season (1-0 as I type this!), we will have a legion of standup comedians on our hands every night on SportsCenter reminding us of the depths to which Jim Crane has plunged the talent expenditures at the Major League level.

The Astros don't spend much on players right now. We got it.

(Point of clarification: I have ZERO problem, by the way, with the Astros' $25 million payroll. Some do, I don't. I understand that in a massive rebuilding mode, it makes no sense to spend $50 million to win 70 games when you can spend $25 million to win 60. I'm fine with this, PROVIDED THAT when the time comes to win 85 games, the payroll expands, and when the time comes to win 95 games, the payroll expands further. Just had to make that clear.)

So, in order to get this out of the way, I am letting all of the comics and quip-masters out there know that we realize the following all make more in one year than the entire Houston Astros roster:

Thankfully, the list of baseball players is actually very short with Alex Rodriguez (New York Yankees, $29,000,000) and Johan Santana (New York Mets, $25,500,000) topping the list for 2013 salaries and Justin Verlander's new deal giving him an average of $28,000,000 per year a potential talking point, at least. Rodriguez is actually out until August and Santana appears to be done for the season, so we may be safer from bad humor than we think.

From a pure salary standpoint, only Kobe Bryant ($27,849,149) is slated to make more this season than the Astros, but if we start to add in endorsements (and as long as Rick Reilly walks this earth, we have to assume that no stone for lame humor will go unturned), we also must add in the following:

LeBron James: $53,000,000
Dwight Howard: $25,600,000
Kevin Durant: $25,500,000

And let's not put it past Stuart Scott to round up on Dwyane Wade's $24,700,000 number. Don't underestimate DJ Jazzy Stu.

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Now it's said the Astros payroll is closer to 18.6 million.  That will make the list a little longer.  

johnnybench topcommenter

Says the guy who trotted out the tired "Carlos Lee is fat" line last week.

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