The Wonders of Griff's Trivia Night: Six Recent Discourses Through (What Is Possibly) the English Language
On a typical Thursday night, the first round of trivia at Griff's usually passes without incident. A group named something along the lines of "That's Not Your Taint, That's Your Ass" might be in third place, while "Balls Deep" and "A Gentleman Always Pulls Out" perhaps are tied for second.
Enter the charmingly ramshackle Griff's on Thursday -- if you dare.
But you can count on the atmosphere of this Montrose Irish sports bar to get electrifying when, at some point during the second round, the trivia master's expression grows quizzical. He won't fiddle with his suit or adjust his glasses. He will merely run his tongue across his clean-shaven upper lip and gaze down at the podium.
The trivia master has a way with words, and he is about to prove it. For the rest of the game he will prod them and yank at them, twisting and teasing with magical results, like a clown wresting balloon animals to life among a crowd of roaring children.
Master of Ceremonies Vern has been described as "the Alex Trebek of Griff's bar trivia." He's a beloved figure: "Vern is hysterical, the questions are challenging and the crowd is friendly!" a TripAdvisor commenter says.
But somewhere along the line each Trivia night, the connection between Vern and the English language gets tenuous.
What follows are some of the more sense-defying specimens in his menagerie, all verbatim --- the last word being, of course, his.
Is it true, or is it false, that famed actor...Wait. That famed actor -- ah fuck. Hold on. Wait. I have to ad-lib this shit. All right, I got it, I got it: IS IT -- thank God for my memory -- IS IT TRUE OR IS IT FALSE, that famed actor James Stewart attended Princeton to become an architect, but while there switched his major to acting. Is it true? Or is it false? That famed actor, James Stewart, attended Princeton to become an architect, and while there switched his major to acting? CLASS OF 1933...Aw shit!
What young children's artsy instrument, or skill-learning toy, was first sold for a nickel in 1903? It's -- I have to be fair. It was a package deal. Meaning -- meaning, it wasn't a pencil -- one pencil -- for a nickel. In 1903. But I just want the product. Alright let's move on. I'm going to repeat it. What young children's artistic instrument -- or skill-learning toy -- was sold FOR A NICKEL in 1903. Think about it: It's, it's a -- it's a toy, to play with, but -- it's also improving one's skills. Learning skills. And it exists TODAY. It exists today. One word.
Okay, this is an interesting question. I didn't make this up. But it looks like I made this up. What came first, the Dino Turtle -- the reason they, I, well, the dino- is Greek for, is a prefix for, "great," or "terrible." So what came first, the Dino Turtle . . . And it's, the scientific term for it is- Eileen . . . Eileen Chullis. So whoever discovered it must have had a wife named Eileen, or a girlfriend named Eileen . . . Eileen Chullis. Or: the Dino Nuit. The scientific term is kryo-, kryostega. K-R-Y-O-S-T-E-G-A. The Nuit -- the Nuit -- Dino Nuit -- is N-E-W-T. So . . . And I'll give you a little -- kryostega is the early, ancient alligators. Or crocs. Crocodiles. Okay. I gave you a hint. So is it the Dino Turtle or the Dino Nuit, prehistoric alligator. Which one of those two creatures came first?