J.J. Watt Wedding Cake? Yes, J.J. Watt Wedding Cake!!
I fully realize that putting the words "J.J. Watt Wedding Cake!" in the headline of this post probably sent every female reader between the ages of 18 and 95 within 100 miles of Reliant Stadium into a panic attack.
Elvis tries to cut his cake, but keeps getting distracted by the J.J. Watt cake on the next table.
"Wait??? WHA'??? J.J. Watt got MARRIED?!? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
No, no, no, fear not horny MILF's, that's not what happened. J.J. Watt didn't get married.
This a not a story about J.J. Watt's wedding cake. It's a story about a J.J. Watt wedding cake. Yes, a wedding cake shaped like Texans defensive end J.J. Watt.
Check it out:
The cake was brought to the attention of J.J. Watt himself (among others) by a friend of the bride and groom named Bryan Eoff (@bdeoff) on Twitter:
Here are my thoughts on the greatest NFL player-related baked good since the Robert Griffin III chocolate birthday cake from late last year:
6. There was an episode of Seinfeld back in the day where Jerry and Elaine each joked about how they were "waiting out" a marriage of a couple of their friends, quietly hoping for a divorce so that Jerry could scoop up the wife (a young Debra Messing, if you need her) and Elaine could do likewise with the husband (a nameless actor we never heard from again). Well, I would surmise that millions of cake-eating, football-watching males are now doing just that with the lovely (and scintillatingly cool) Stephanie Poe (@stephanievpoe on Twitter). I mean not only did she greenlight the J.J. Watt cake for her future husband, but check out the cake she procured for her dad's 50th birthday: