25 Ways to Replace Jim Deshaies; You're Welcome, Astros!

Categories: Sports

harry doyle.jpg
Are Harry Doyle and Monty taking over for JD and Brownie?
As you know by now, Jim Deshaies has left the Astros and is joining the Chicago Cubs broadcasting crew. In many ways, that's like making the jump from AAA to the majors since WGN is seen nationally while Comcast SportsNet Houston is seen just about nowhere. Now, with Deshaies gone, the Astros are having to find someone to take his spot on the TV crew. And we here at Hair Balls thought we would jump in and offer up our ideas for a replacement for the best color analyst in all of baseball.

25. Brett Dolan and Dave Raymond
The duo has done yeoman duty in the radio booth the past several seasons, especially since they've been forced to prop up Milo Hamilton. This would be the perfect reward...oops, that's right, you guys already fired them.

24. Harry Doyle and Monty
Having worked for the Cleveland Indians, they know the American League. And having worked for the Cleveland Indians, they also know about some really bad baseball.

23. Drunk Guy at End of Bar
Because why not?

22. Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell
Aren't these two still getting checks of some kind from the Astros? Then why not put them to work?

21. Lance Zierlein
He can do all of his voices and people will think the booth is packed with broadcasters.

20. Anyone Working for the Texas Rangers
With the Astros' new regional network not airing throughout most of the state, the Ranger announcers are going to become the de facto baseball broadcasters in Texas. So why not just steal one of them and have him do the Astros games?

19. Orbit
Since he's back anyway, maybe he'll get the young kids interested in watching.

18. Greg Lucas
He has a ton of baseball broadcast experience...oh yeah, that's right. He's gone, too.

17. Suzy Waldman
Jim Crane doesn't exactly have the best of history with women, so hiring a female analyst might be just the right thing. And I'm sure that if he asks nicely, the Yankees might be willing to part with Waldman (and she lusts after Roger Clemens).

16. Roger Clemens
Speaking of lusting after Clemens, it's pretty damn obvious that Crane has a man-crush on him. Plus Clemens already has a personal services contract with the team. So put him in the broadcast booth. As an added bonus, let Mindy McCready do the anthem every night. It looks like she could use the work.

15. Carlos Lee
He already eats like a broadcaster, and he's about as athletic as some of the older ones. Maybe he would do the job if someone just pays for his eating bills.

14. Jeff Kent
Kent didn't have the best of relationships with the press when he was a player, but he's loosened up a bit since retiring. Sure, he might be a psycho nutjob, but he played for the Astros. And he gives a good rant.

13. Bob Ford
The best ballpark public address announcer in the business. But it's a real shame just wasting his voice by having him call out lineups, batters, promos, etc. And since the rumors are out there about the team working with a tight budget, having Ford do the PA, radio and TV at the same time would probably save a ton of money.

12. Harry Caray
Seeing as how the Astros were able to raise Joe Niekro from the dead, why not try it again and bring back Harry Caray? He's worked for losing franchises before. And he also knows a thing or two about space travel.

11. Steve Stone
He's worked with Harry Caray, Bill Murray and Ken Harrelson, so he's used to doing analysis and play-by-play at the same time since neither of those guys ever actually talk about the game.

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