Texans-Lions: Thanksgiving Day Special BATTLE-EAT Bingo EATING Card

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For the first time in the history of the franchise, the Houston Texans play a game on Thanksgiving Day. Tomorrow afternoon, our hometown team will hop a chartered flight to Detroit and leave their families behind so they can go take care of business on Thursday afternoon. It's the price of being a professional football player.

Meanwhile, we will all be back here watching our Texans on television, presumably alongside friends and family as we shovel pounds of meat and potatoes down our gullets in celebration of our founding fathers bringing syphilis and malaria over from the mother land braving the elements to discover this country.

It is a time of gratitude, but more than that it is a time of gluttony! So this week, we are changing Battle-Drink up a little bit, making it more Thanksgiving Day friendly. So say hello to BATTLE-EAT, the first ever Bingo EATING game.

First, notice that the rows all still represent a certain quantity from one through five, but now the five columns represent different food types -- "Turkey, Stuffing, Potatoes, Cranberry Sauce, Pumpkin Pie." So the rules are pretty simple -- when something on the card occurs you take the corresponding number of bites of whatever food group is represented by that column.

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Click for larger version.
The squares contain many of the usual Texans-specific in game events, and naturally contain a similar number of opponent-specific, relevant events that could occur in the game. Here is the summary of the nuances of this week's first ever BATTLE-EAT card:

I1: Announcer says "Megatron"
"Megatron," of course, is the nickname of Lions star wide receiver Calvin Johnson. He's really, really good, which means Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford is going to throw to him a LOT. (Add in the fact that Johnathan Joseph, the Texans best cornerback, is nursing an injury and may not play, and Stafford might throw to him every play!) My point is this -- I hope all of you like stuffing.

I3: Lions coaches brawl on sidelines
We've seen Lions head coach Jim Schwartz nearly come to blows with other head coaches before (see: Harbaugh, Jim), but the Lions took it to another level this past weekend in their game against the Green Bay Packers when wide receivers coach Shawn Jefferson nearly got into it with offensive coordinator Scott Linehan. If it happens again this weekend...MORE STUFFING!

I4: Auto industry downturn mention
I always like to have something topical on the board, and Detroit as a city is practically synonymous with the automotive industry, and in turn, the downturn in said industry. So in my mind, there's no better way to tip our collective hat to the symbolic nadir of the recent economic recession than by gluttonously swallowing handfuls of stuffing four at a time.

G1: Two Broke Girls promo
I'm running out of CBS shows to put in this square.

G2: Shayne Graham made field goal
Last Sunday, for the first time this season, Graham showed up as a major negative on the game log with only one kickoff into the Detroit end zone, and more importantly with two missed field goals, one that bounced off the upright at the end of the first half, and then a duck hook that missed the net at the end of regulation. On the road, the Texans will need all the points they can get.

G3: Matt Stafford INT
Stafford has ten interceptions on the season. The Texans have picked off eleven passes. Let's have the Lions misfortune fill our bellies.

O1: Ndamukong Suh sack
O2: Ndamukong Suh personal foul
O3: Ndamukong Suh steps on Matt Schaub's face

Ndamukong Suh and chicanery is a Thanksgiving tradition like turkey and pumpkin pie. Remember last Thanksgiving?

O4: Nick Fairley gets DUI on way to stadium
Earlier this year, Fairley was arrested twice within a couple months, the first time for possession of marijuana and the second time for DUI. Let's not totally eliminate the possibility that he could start in on his holiday celebration early.

B5: John McClain tweets "Pathetic"
I5: John McClain tweets "Horrible"
N5: John McClain tweets "Terrible"
G5: John McClain tweets "Horrendous"
O5: John McClain tweets about Baylor

This is the Thanksgiving special! Our first ever themed row, the five bite row in honor of Houston Chronicle writer John McClain, whose calling card during the football season is his unflinchingly rigorous standard of performance that he has for the Texans, as expressed throughout each and every game on his Twitter account (@McClain_on_NFL). So far this season, we've had a square for when he tweets the word "pathetic," but lately he's been adding more adjectives to his arsenal. So we give one square to each of these adjectives....

PATHETIC


HORRIBLE


TERRIBLE


HORRENDOUS


ANYTHING ABOUT BAYLOR


Unless you're looking to be plunged into a food coma, you better hope the Texans play well, people.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good BATTLE-EAT!!

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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5 comments
HeyYoJos
HeyYoJos

@seancablinasian @ropimpin Sean needs to make an appt for monday w.Parker Bros. We need this in stores #battledrink licensing

jeffbalke
jeffbalke

@seancablinasian This is SO good.

brienwest
brienwest

@SeanCablinasian uh ... Thanksgiving is as much a drinking day as anything else. Family member opens their mouth, take a sip.

atxhobogrl
atxhobogrl

@SeanCablinasian @monichelle73 lulz, syphilis

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