Don't Be a Turkey: Ten Suggestions for a More Peaceful Thanksgiving Celebration

Categories: Whatever

I know that look.
When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday. I got up in the morning, watched the parades on TV and listened as my parents made food for the soon-to-be-arriving guests. Both sides of my parents' families would merge for this holiday -- the only such merging to be achieved for any holiday -- and converge on our house, hungry and ready to have a nice day...assuming all went well, which was mostly wishful thinking.

As I got older, I began to realize the frantic, breakneck pace of this particular holiday. I also began to feel the pressure felt by my parents. It can be an absolutely exhausting holiday with the food preparation, decor and cleaning house. And that's before the best and worst part of Thanksgiving arrive: your guests.

Navigating your way through this treacherous holiday requires preparation, patience and at least a bit of guile to manage the tasks and personalities you face this very busy Thursday in November. Here are some suggestions for managing it without murdering someone.

10. Don't take on stuff you can't handle.

Look, Emeril, I know you want to impress everyone with your amazingly succulent turkey and thousands of side dishes, but this is not the time to experiment with recipes. If you have a traditional midwestern family, don't hand them saris when they walk in the door and yell "We're having spicy chickpeas and curry for Thanksgiving!" That look on your Uncle Bob's face is not one of happiness. Stick with the classics and with foods you can make well. Also, don't fry your damn turkey inside! More fires start on Thanksgiving because of idiots like you.

9. Don't be picky.

When someone invites you into their home this Thanksgiving, don't show up and immediately criticize the decor and the fact that they aren't serving your favorite sweet potatoes with the tiny little marshmallows. Suck it up and play nice. You're getting free food in a warm home this year. Behave, or next year it might be Chinese takeout for one, you feel me?

8. Don't be a cheapskate.

This goes for both the host and the guests. Hosts, don't invite 30 people if you intend to make one pie and mashed potatoes for four. Guests, don't show up empty handed. Bring some wine or something edible that other people actually like. We can make this holiday kick ass if we just pull together.

7. Let your uncle sleep in front of the TV after lunch.

He will probably snore. He could scratch himself. But, for this one tryptophan-fueled afternoon of the year, let the guy have some peace. Sure, if you ate lunch and he's still asleep at 7 p.m., might be time to poke him with a stick, but if the guy wants to nap for 20 or 30 minutes, he's not hurting anybody. Let him sleep.

6. Don't bogart the good stuff.

Listen, Chachie, if I see you take a third of the one pumpkin pie in attendance, I'm coming at you with a fork in my hand and vengeance in my heart. Same goes if after dinner there is limited seating and you decide to lie down on the one couch in the living room forcing many of us to sit on the floor cross legged like we're 11 at Vacation Bible school listening to the tale of Daniel in the lion's den. Be magnanimous this year and don't force us all to watch Ice Road Truckers when the kids are enjoying a cartoon or THE FREAKING TEXANS ARE ON YOU JERKOFF! Ahem.

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MadMac topcommenter

I would add: If you don't get along with the folks in question, have never gotten along with the folks in question--and neither maturity nor education has changed them/you, I promise neither distance nor time will either--it's perfectly okley dokely to PASS ON THANKSGIVING WITH THEM. Seems obvious but not in this Hallmark Hall of Fame, Iyanla, Dr. Phil culture where most problems are solved in 22min with commercial breaks. Rather than find that out, again, for the FOURTH time, that your family is nucking futs, go to the in-laws or invite your single friends over or check out EOW, find a restaurant that suits you and ENJOY the holiday.

David Means
David Means

Dreading it this year. Really, who wants to hear about politics for an entire day from butt hurt people who are no longer relevant in a voting system? Especially when I'm not registered.

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