Aggie Mailbag: "Sean, you are whats (sic) wrong with this country."
Before I get into this post, in the spirit of having to cater to the lowest common denominator of what is a rightfully proud and mostly sane Aggie fan base, and because it's about to get a little uncomfortable up in this beeyatch once this post is done, allow me to get this disclaimer out of the way:
Not only do I think Johnny Manziel is going to win the Heisman Trophy in a couple weeks, but I also have no problem with that. He deserves the award.
How much does he deserve it? Well, let me count the ways:
(This is the part where I list a bunch of shit most college football fans know already, but the freaky Aggies with Manziel underoos read it anyway, and likely rub one out once they're done.)
1. Statistical giant
Manziel broke Cam Newton's SEC record for total yardage and led the SEC in rushing as a quarterback in Kevin Sumlin's spread offense.
2. Team success
The Ags went 10-2, which was about four games better than most people thought they would do. Their only losses were by a combined total of 8 points to LSU and Florida.
3. Value to his team
Without Manziel's accomplishments, the Aggies actually probably do go 6-6.
4. Catchy (and possibly slightly annoying) nickname
Johnny Football. Whatever, it's not bad. Of course, the name did spawn this video, which is exceedingly bad.
5. Signature moment
Alabama game, first half. Manziel bobbles a snap, rolls left, starts doing "Johnny Football" sort of stuff, and then effortlessly flicks a pass to a wide open Ryan Swope in the back of the end zone. A&M goes on to upset number one ranked Alabama, 29-24.
So there. I admit that Johnny Manziel should win the Heisman.
I put that disclaimer out there because there is a certain section of the Aggie fan base that takes any Manziel-related blog post, article, or casual barroom conversation that does NOT anoint him the Heisman winner at the end as some sort of personal affront.
Take my post from Monday about Manziel's press conference (or as the snarky, non-Aggie media liked to call it, his "verbal coming out party"). It included a handful of questions that I sarcastically said I would have asked if I had been invited to the teleconference. Questions about his mugshot, his fake ID, and his ability to slay poon. Clearly, I was JOKING, but the fact that I have to explain it for the benefit of the comedically challenged few is funny unto itself.
Many readers, Aggies and non-Aggies alike, read the post and got a chuckle out of it. However, there were a few who thought that I crossed some sort of imaginary line. Some told me so on Twitter, but none of the folks in the land of 140 characters quite captured the myopia of the vocal ManZealots quite like Phillip Lange of Hondo, TX, who emailed the Houston Press to express his thoughts.
The email is cut and pasted verbatim:
Sean, you sir are a poor excuse of a sports writer. I can unbderstand it though, because you work for the Houston Chronicle, a worthless, Liberal rag that I wouldn't even use to line the kitty litter box with. Manziel, is having a record breaking year for a Freshman in the last 50 years, and you want to know about him getting areested. If you can tell me you never did anything stupid when you were young, I would call you a liar to your face. And if you are going to base your vote on what he did last summer instead of what he has accomplished this year in football, then you don't deserve to vote. You are whats wrong with this country. I will bet you voted for Obama. Dumb Ass.
Wow, with the tone of that email, you'd think that I kicked Reveille out of the way so I could go take a dump in the middle of Kyle Field. Why so angry, Phillip?
I've used this space to Zapruder analyze YouTube videos before, but I've never Zapruder analyzed an email before. How about we do that now?
Sean, you sir are a poor excuse of a sports writer.
Well, that would actually stand to reason since I am, by trade, a talk show host and not a sports writer. However, amazingly enough, the Houston Press does allow me to do some sports writing and even more amazingly both parties seem to have benefitted from the relationship. Go figure, Phillip.
I can unbderstand it though, because you work for the Houston Chronicle, a worthless, Liberal rag that I wouldn't even use to line the kitty litter box with.
Ah, right, I forgot. The "conservatives" are all big Manziel guys. It's "us liberals" who like the "Hawaiian fella" from Notre Dame or the "black fella" from Ohio State. Also, one minor detail -- I don't work for the Chronicle.
Manziel, is having a record breaking year for a Freshman in the last 50 years, and you want to know about him getting areested.
Areested, arrested. You say to-MAY-to, I say to-MAH-to.
If you can tell me you never did anything stupid when you were young, I would call you a liar to your face.
I did a lot of stupid things when I was young. I even had a fake ID, like Johnny did, and mine was awful. A homemade Connecticut license where my name was "Justin Winwood." I think it's still on the fake ID Wall of Shame at Corktowne Liquors in South Bend, IN. That said, I've never been arrested. Or areested.
And if you are going to base your vote on what he did last summer instead of what he has accomplished this year in football, then you don't deserve to vote.
Apparently, I don't deserve to vote for reasons that run much deeper than that because I don't have a Heisman vote.
You are whats wrong with this country.
Unemployment, terrorism, hurricane cleanup, gas prices, the Kardashians.....no, you're right. A sarcastic talk show host in Houston is what's wrong with this country.
I will bet you voted for Obama.
I believe "dumbass" is one word, dumbass.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.