How Should You Spend Your Houston Texans Bye Week?
Folks, we have reached the first bye week of the Houston Texans 2012 season. Our band of heroes will not be seeing action. Not on Thursday, Sunday or even Monday. No, they will be taking a well-deserved few days away from their usual schedules to relax and store up energy for the next few weeks of games.
Photos By Marco Torres This guy will be in church this Sunday morning. God help you.
Remember, the Texans will still be 6-1 this time next week. That won't change. The team will not be penalized just because they aren't playing this week. Those wins are still recorded.
Our boys have earned their respite, that much is true, but what do us common schlubs and schlubettes do while the team is on break? What did we do from January until August of this year anyway? I don't quite remember myself. It's like all those months have been lost in an ether, a dustbin of history.
How should we spend this week away from the Houston Texans? The mind spins with infinite possibility. There are books to read, movies to see, undisturbed dumps to take and significant others to finally look in the eye.
Is it okay to watch other teams play football, or does that seem heartless? What if we find ourselves accidentally cheering for another team that isn't the Texans?
Here are ways you can spend your bye week away from the Houston Texans. Remember, if you don't buy at least one piece of Texans merchandise this week, God will kill one of your family members.
Dress the neighborhood kids up as Packers and Texans players and have your own Sunday Night Football rematch. Spoiler alert: The smelly kid in the Aaron Rodgers jersey gets sacked repeatedly, and CPS officials are just as shitty as those replacement refs we had to deal with at the beginning of the year.
Have an unauthorized tailgate party at Reliant Stadium that ends with police in riot gear and mounted officers. As the HPD stormtrooper thrashes you, beg him or her not to make you bleed on your Schaub jersey.
Speaking of Reliant Park, there is a gun show going on at Reliant Center, so you could always just go stock up on ammo before the election, right? I'm sure they make Texans holsters and stuff now.
But if guns aren't your bag, you could go to the big TRISTAR sports memorabilia show that's going on, and basically all of the Texans will be there signing stuff, except Connor Barwin, who will be partying with French electro DJs somewhere probably.
Put huge, homemade Texans jerseys on bulls in a pasture off Highway 59 and charge $10 a picture -- that is, until someone gets kicked in the nuts or horrifically gored.
Write Wade Phillips and Gary Kubiak fan-fiction, set in 2389, with the pair coaching an intergalactic football team to the Galaxy Bowl on a distant planet, millions of light-years away from Earth. Then finally sign those divorce papers.