Houston Texans Twitter Fun: The Seven Stages of Hating Dan Dierdorf (w/ MANY Tweets)

dandierdorf.jpg
Dierdorf, the man who loves him some Suggs.
Television announcers in 2012 are oftentimes in a pretty thankless position. In this day and age where we can rewind everything, pick apart every word and then cackle about it with our friends on social media, the television gig (while WELL paid) comes with crazy scrutiny. Add in the extreme biases and unhinged emotions of the average NFL fan, sprinkle in some alcohol and it can go from thankless to downright vicious faster than you can say "hashtag Dierdorf sucks."

Which brings me to yesterday. When I saw Texan fans going after longtime CBS analyst (and Hall of Fame offensive lineman) Dan Dierdorf during his call of the Ravens-Texans game yesterday, I defaulted to "Ah, must be crazy NFL fan being crazy NFL fan" mode. Not that I'm really a fan of Dierdorf's work, but I'm not openly anti-Dierdorf either, so therefore I didn't think much of it.

terrell suggs.jpg
The object of Dierdorf's admiration.
But a funny thing happened as the game kept going -- the Dierdorf tweets (none of them complimentary, all of them derogatory, and several having him doing unspeakable things to an unclothed Terrell Suggs) kept coming. And coming. And coming. Coming in droves like I hadn't seen for an announcer in quite some time.

So I had to see what the fuss was about.

So I slapped on the headphones, put on the CBS broadcast and listened in to see what the Twitter torches and pitchforks for Dierdorf were all about. As it turns out, Dierdorf was not only regaling the television viewing audience with his usual string of mix-ups, non-analysis and inane rambling, but he was enamored with Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs and his return from a major Achilles injury. Like "sop him up with a biscuit" enamored.

The ludicrousness of Dierdorf's fawning over Suggs during plays in which he was not involved or plays during which Suggs was on the sidelines (that happened)...well, let's just say I quickly saw what everyone's Twitter fuss over Dierdorf was about.

Twitter is the world's topical barometer, one of the only places you can go that I'm aware of to instantly see not only what topics people are talking about, but what topics the most people are talking about. All you need to know about Sunday is that during a game that the Texans were leading 29-3 over the only other 5-1 team in the AFC, the top Twitter trending topic in Houston was "Dan Dierdorf."

And the top trending topic in Dan Dierdorf's pants was Terrell Suggs.

Like many types of hate, Twitter hate builds and evolves over a set period of time. As best I can tell, the Twitter hatred for Dan Dierdorf on Sunday can best be broken down into seven distinct evolutionary stages. They are as follows:

PERSONAL APPEARANCE
Most of these tweets came before the game had started, before Dan Dierdorf decided to use the Texans' 30-point rout of the Ravens as an innocuous backdrop for the revelation of his desire to stroll along a quiet beach hand in hand with Terrell Suggs. Really, they came before Dierdorf had even opened his mouth...

REALIZATION AND SELF-MUTILATION
Ah, but Dierdorf would open his mouth, He would speak. He would say many words, most of them either having to do with the miraculous healing powers and supple buttocks of a Terrell Suggs. And it was at this point that people realized that inflicting extreme pain upon themselves was preferable to the pain inflicted upon their ears by Dierdorf himself...

DIERDORF'S TERRELL SUGGS MAN LOVE
Dierdorf's love for Suggs was evident from the get-go on Sunday. Texan fans' scorn for Dierdorf was equally evident. And their disgust with Dierdorf's fixation on Suggs was, quite frankly, hilarious. Here are but a few of the literally hundreds of examples...



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27 comments
PCheeze1970
PCheeze1970

@SeanCablinasian @houstonpress great post! I thought dumdorf was gonna rush the field after Suggs sacked Schaub!

ericdkennedy
ericdkennedy

@SeanCablinasian Funny stuff in the blog post, Sean. It was even worse for those of us who typically re-watch the game, like 2 root canals.

SP_OnTheT
SP_OnTheT

@SeanCablinasian so how can you guys have a convo on air with someone in CA, but not have a signal strong enough to reach Katy? #frustrating

Jww Weghorst
Jww Weghorst

If was even worse with Dan when the Oilers played here.

ItsAllAboutDe
ItsAllAboutDe

@SeanCablinasian I almost feel sorry for the old man......almost.

babbs2121
babbs2121

@SeanCablinasian from harm to death. Nice Seanie.

atxhobogrl
atxhobogrl

@SeanCablinasian nice with the @Fidoz and @egut74 tweets

Love_My_Astros
Love_My_Astros

@SeanCablinasian read it on facebook this morning...hilarious

stephaniejoplin
stephaniejoplin

@SeanCablinasian this is TOO funny, i was DYING earlier. gonna read the edited post now.

stitchedj
stitchedj

Uh, at least guys like Dierdorf and Collinsworth were players, guys who were in huddles, locker rooms and under pressure making plays on the field. I thought Dierdorf's praise of Suggs was over the top, too, but not deliberately done at the expense of the Texans. Fortunately, the home team rather quickly made it a boring game, especially if you're a neutral fan just watching what was supposed to be an epic battle between two of the best AFC teams.

 

Houston fans -- and I are one -- seem very insecure over the smallest of provocations. If Dierdorf or ESPN's Stephen Whatever Smith or anybody in the sports media world criticize, slight or -- God forbid -- objectively analyze the Texans, and Houston-fan doesn't agree, it's demonizing time. Get a grip. 

 

 

Millerman777
Millerman777

I'm honestly surprised this is so new. I hated Dierdorf on MNF years ago because of his over the top slathering up of players. Every guy was "a future HOFer" or each play was "the best (insert play) I've ever seen on a football field." It was like a cross between Gruden and Bill Walton. He is just a putz in general. I even hated his 1981 football card when I was 11. He has no pads on and he looks like a cop (no offense cops but feather haircucut + stache =cop or porn)..and he was a Cardinal.

 

http://www.checkoutmycards.com/Users/davescards/Cards/Football/1981/Topps/519/Dan_Dierdorf

ArtSeeberger
ArtSeeberger

@Love_My_Astros @SeanCablinasian Have you ever met The Cablinasian, Cammy?

ItsAllAboutDe
ItsAllAboutDe

@ArtSeeberger @Love_My_Astros @SeanCablinasian I have...and he is spectacular!

Love_My_Astros
Love_My_Astros

@ArtSeeberger @SeanCablinasian nope, he blew us off for gno the last astros game! could you imagine?

Love_My_Astros
Love_My_Astros

@ItsAllAboutDe @ArtSeeberger @SeanCablinasian hahaha #thatshot

ItsAllAboutDe
ItsAllAboutDe

@Love_My_Astros It's ok...I'm a total #buttinski

ItsAllAboutDe
ItsAllAboutDe

@ArtSeeberger @Love_My_Astros @SeanCablinasian That's funny, because I AM gay for Seanie!

Love_My_Astros
Love_My_Astros

@ArtSeeberger @ItsAllAboutDe @SeanCablinasian that's hot! i'd totally watch

Love_My_Astros
Love_My_Astros

@ItsAllAboutDe @ArtSeeberger @SeanCablinasian haha...i just replied to him about us being life-changing and was pissed because i didnt @ you

ArtSeeberger
ArtSeeberger

@ItsAllAboutDe @Love_My_Astros @SeanCablinasian If I were gay, I would be so gay for him.

Love_My_Astros
Love_My_Astros

@SeanCablinasian @ArtSeeberger yessir, we are pretty life-changing

SeanCablinasian
SeanCablinasian

@Love_My_Astros @ArtSeeberger Ha ha, yep. Fail by me. #SeanFail

Love_My_Astros
Love_My_Astros

@ArtSeeberger @SeanCablinasian this is what i understand

ArtSeeberger
ArtSeeberger

@Love_My_Astros @SeanCablinasian I've had the pleasure of meeting him. He's an Adonis!

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