9 Ways To Get Astros Fans In The Seats

Free iPhone 5 Night at Minute Maid Park
I admit that I have only seen two Houston Astros baseball games at Minute Maid Park this year. It's not as if their losing and heartbreaking ways are keeping me away though. It's always been an evening option for me, but I rarely take the 'Stros up on the offer of a night of Kiss Cams and stale nachos.

Most of us long-term Houstonians grew up watching them suck, so this year is yes, very bad, but nothing we haven't at least had training for.

Now in the waning days of the season, the Astros are struggling to get asses of all colors, shapes, and ages into the seats. What happens if not enough people show up on giveaway nights? Do the local shelters get boxes of bobbleheads for the kids?

Earlier in the year, the franchise started allowing people to bring their own food and water to the game, and the food and beer choices got a little more fun and varied, but the team's losing ways tarnished the fun of it all.

Besides, there was nowhere to plug in my Crock-Pot.

9. We're Bringing Back Orbit

What a jackrabbit has to do with a team called the Astros we'll never know. When the team moved to their new digs in 2000 and left behind the Astrodome, they also left behind Orbit, a loveable oafish extraterrestrial who helps cheer on the team to the delight of children in the Houston area.

Of course there are people who miss Chester Charge too.

For one weekend series, Orbit comes back to the delight of twentysomethings and older, but this time she comes with a new transgendered storyline. In between innings, Orbit will tell us about her realization through pantomime that she is actually a female, of whatever species she is. By Sunday's game, Ms. Orbit will debut her new look. Who knew that Orbit was a dude the whole time in the '90s? Fun, educational fun for the whole family.

Orbit becomes the first transgendered mascot in the history of the game. You don't need to have a contest for a new mascot, Astros, just use what you already have.

8. Free Babysitting

Drop the kids of at the front of the stadium, and for a fee they will be able to roam the stadium at will. Wait, this happens already. Did we mention they will implanted with tracking chips? Yeah, so it's better somehow now.

7. Free Hot Dogs

Because who doesn't like free fake meat while watching a sorta-fake baseball team.

6. Food Trucks In The Stadium

I know, I know, it's hip and trendy to have food trucks at every soiree these days, from funerals to weddings to alt-weekly web awards functions. But why not have some of Houston's best restaurants on wheels drive into the stadium? You got a problem, Aramark?

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1a. Illegal Alien (whoops! Undocumented Citizen) Night.


The first 30,000 illegals to buy tickets get free full US citizenship and voter registration cards courtesy of Barack Obama.


@HoustonPress actually if you're in your twenties you remember the Astros not always sucking. '97 '98 '99 '01 '04 '05. Fair weather wuss


@HoustonPress HA #1 Dubstep Dance party, Because that's what the kids want, and kids are stupid *slowlylowerstheskillrexplayinginmycubicle*


@HoustonPress Did that really need to be 3 pages long?

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