Boom. Roasted. -- The Monday Morning College Football Roast

Categories: Game Time, Sports

Boom. Roast time
Through the first few weeks of the football season, I had been combining my foremost thoughts and remembrances of the weekend that was in football -- Texans, college, and general NFL -- into the ever popular "4 Winners, 4 Losers" post.

However, now we've got three weeks of college football in the books. Conference games become the main course next weekend (as opposed to the sporadic appetizers we get the first three weeks). Dreams are being shattered, legacies forming on the college gridiron every Saturday. And "4 Winners, 4 Losers" just isn't big enough to contain my college and pro football musings anymore.

So much like WWE splitting its roster into the then-separate Raw and Smackdown brands a decade ago, I am doing a brand extension of my own. Going forward, "4 Winners, 4 Losers" will be my NFL-only weekly post.

We will give college football its own post. In honor of Michael Scott (goddamn, does The Office miss you, MGS), I give you "Boom. Roasted. -- The Monday Morning College Football Roast," a post where cynicism and negativity will flourish, and where even positivity will be shrouded in a veil of cynicism and negativity.

It's how we do in 2012!

So let's get you pumped up with a little Michael Scott...

...and let's get the MMR started, shall we? Six people, places, or things to whom the college football gods gave an atomic wedgie this past weekend:

6. My "University of Houston OVER 9 1/2 wins +160" ticket
I don't have any statistical backup for this, but I'm going to guess that the elimination of the mathematical possibility of winning a futures wager after the first three fucking weeks of the season has got to be some kind of record. And who fired on that bet? Who backed the Coogs? THESE Coogs? These rookie head coach-led, no-Case-Keenum-having, defensively challenged, no-tackling Coogs.

The moral of the story: I am a goddamned idiot.

Boom. Roasted.

5. The Big Ten's BCS title picture relevance
Maybe I can spring for a double funeral -- my Houston OVER 9/12 wins ticket and the Big Ten's national title hopes. With Notre Dame's 20-3 manhandling of Michigan State in East Lansing Saturday night, the Big Ten's last hope at some modicum of relevance in the BCS title chase went out the window with a whimper.

Behold the Big Ten's representation in the coaches' poll that came out on Sunday:

17. Michigan (2-1)
20. Michigan State (2-1)
22. Nebraska (2-1)
24. Wisconsin (2-1...more on this in a second)

That's it.

(NOTE: Not that they're all that tutti frutti either, but Ohio State is 3-0 but ineligible for the postseason. They barely beat a Cal team that lost to Nevada at home in Week One, for what it's worth.)

To me, the most embarrassing footage for the Big Ten is the final minute or so of this highlight reel of Wisconsin's last-second win at home over Utah State, where the Badgers celebrate an Aggie missed field goal like they just won the Rose Bowl:

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