Football! This Weekend's Best Bets, Another Crappy Notre Dame Video Edition
On Wednesday, a federal jury awarded a Denver man named Wayne Watson $7.2 million from various food companies after they determined that the respiratory problems he developed in 2007 were due to his frequent inhalation of the buttery aroma from microwave popcorn, hence the affliction "popcorn lung." They were NOT, according to the jury, due to the years of working with carpet cleaning chemicals in his regular job.
Makes perfect sense.
I bring this up NOT because this is yet another reason for the terrorists to hate us. I bring this up NOT because my faith in mankind, ever unstable to begin with, has now been rattled to an extent measurable only on a Richter scale. I bring this up NOT because I am now pondering burying my face in a bowl of Orville Redenbacher's for the next three days.
I bring this up because Wayne Watson may need a place to invest that $7.2 million. That's where I (and my 8-4 record so far this season) come in. Best bets time!
(Friday night) Baylor -7 over LOUISIANA-MONROE
I was really hoping that Louisiana-Monroe would find a way to knock off Auburn in overtime last week just to see which AP pollsters and coaches would have the stones to put the Warhawks in the top 25. As many patsy games as the big boys play early, it's inarguable that their body of work would have been one of the 25 best in the country. But alas, Gene Chizik found a way to knock off a Sun Belt Conference team at home in overtime...because when you're the "best," you find a way.
Um...anyway, say what you will about Arkansas and Auburn being down this year, the cumulative effect of the physicality of both teams has to catch up with ULM at some point. Why not this weekend against Art Briles and easily the best offense (with Tyler Wilson missing a huge chunk of that Arkansas game) that the Warhawks have faced so far this season?
Michigan +5 over NOTRE DAME
I love my alma mater, but there are times where they make it awfully difficult to do so. Take today, for example. From the school that gave you Freekbass and this atrocity...
...I give you this public service announcement...
...in which apparently the message is "You better stand up during a big play or your wife will grab you by the ear and yank you out of your seat."
Flawed on so many levels:
1. As few women as there are in this world who would unconditionally stand during a game (compared to the number of men who would do so), the odds of the dork in this video ("I CAN'T SEE!!!) pulling one of those women are incalculable.
2. When the
possibly coked up spaz who obstructs dorky guy's view initially goes apeshit, everyone else in the section is sitting down. I would argue that the public service announcement should be more geared toward that guy's behavior.
3. Okay, seriously, Notre Dame? You want the stadium to be louder and provide a home-field advantage, I get it. But you really think the non-standers in the stadium are going to say to themselves, "I wish everyone would just sit down...OH WAIT! THAT'S RIGHT! THE STAND VIDEO!!! I need to STAND!!!" And incidentally, what is the real message of this video? Stand up at the game, or else your neighbor is allowed to violently yank you up by your ear?
Anyway, you've embarrassed me yet again, Notre Dame. Your punishment? I'm picking the Wolverines to cover the spread. You better go win this game by less than five, Irish, or else.
Marshall/RICE OVER 70 1/2
Marshall is 102nd in total defense, Rice is 121st. So on a day where the Rice Owls have their first all-you-can-eat and all-you-can-drink pregame tailgater (good troughs still available), gluttony reigns! Points will be all-you-can-SCORE! We're going over, baby!