13 Wacky Texas History Facts That Texas School Kids Need To Be Taught

Categories: Texas

This week Mother Jones uncovered a handful of spurious, less-than-scientific facts that Louisiana grade-schoolers will be learning while attending the state's new voucher schools. Obviously, people aren't happy.

A new voucher program under the watch of Governor Bobby Jindal will allot money for students from lower-income communities to attend private schools, which have supposedly higher standards than the state's public ones.

Most private schools are faith-based, meaning that they don't always -- how should I say this -- dig on mainstream science. Since they are funded by families and are most likely built around a specific religious philosophy, they can cater to their audience. Kind of like programming a television schedule. If you think that the Earth is a little over 2,000 years old, you don't want to throw money at a school that teaches, nah dawg, it's more like billions of years old.

Speaking as someone who attended private school for a few years in my early grade-school career, I can say from firsthand knowledge that it's much different from public schooling. For one, we pledged allegiance to the Christian flag every morning, and the concept of evolution was just that, a concept. Not a fact. I had great teachers that I still remember, but they were cheating kids out of getting the whole, complete picture of the world.

Some of the "facts" being taught in these voucher-friendly private schools are laughable and scary. Dragons may have been real, the KKK mostly meant well, and things like algebra are actually an affront to the simple 2+2 way of God's thinking. In other words, keep it simple, stupid.

So in the spirit of my own Texas pride, and in the best interest of young Texans who are getting educated in our great state, I came up with a few facts of my own that I think all Texans should cross the stage implanted in their brains with at their high school graduation.


13. Texas (Movie) History
Fuck a whole semester on Texas History. Random Indians, Mexicans, dead white dudes from Tennessee and evil oil barons?? Our children need to know where Urban Cowboy was filmed and where, and also, that The Legend of Billie Jean was shot in Corpus Christi's Sunrise Mall. Also, classes will get a visit from a Houston-area barista who was "totally in Rushmore" but his scene was cut, and knew a dude who lived in the neighborhood where Arlington Road was filmed.

12. Whataburger Doubles As Birth Control For Men
Yes, if you eat enough Whataburger taquitos and onion rings after closing time, whatever happens at home afterwards will not follow you around for the next 18 years, because your partner will be so turned on that she will literally combust with desire for you.

11. Texasasaurus Rex
Scientists have discovered a dinosaur three times as big as the biggest Tyrannosaurus Rex ever found and he was colored like camouflage, and fossil records indicate that he loved God and the Dallas Cowboys Houston Texans in that order.

10. Oh Man Friday Night Lights
Wasn't that the best? The booming music, the American-style football, the adult actors posing as teens, the family dramas, Kyle Chandler. I cry in the opening credits each time.

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So glad I don't live in Houston. It's people like this that make our youth into idiots. I came here to look for something I could use to write something serious and this is the crap I find. I don't know anything about Houston but if this Blog is tied to an actual paper, I am set at ease knowing that most printed publications are going under.  I'm not even from Texas, but came as fast as I could, and I'm pissed that you think some trivial BS like this is really something to teach children.

FattyFatBastard topcommenter

What i was hoping would be a really great read turned into this crap-fest of an article.  Try again, please.


Some addenda by the numbers:

13) "Hellfighters" was shot in Baytown. So was "Robocop." The 7-11 was invented in Baytown, and so was the Coozie.

9) Ranch dressing was invented in California.

7) Santa Anna was not gay. He was shacked up with Emily Morgan, a mulatto slave owned by Capt. Morgan (of Morgan's Point fame) at the Battle of San Jacinto. She was immortalized as "The Yellow Rose of Texas."

5) Buddy Holly is God. He died for your sins.

3) No basement, but across the alley from the Alamo lived a pinto pony and a Navajo.

1) Texas is heaven for men and dogs, but it is hell for women and horses.


there must definitely be a shortage of writers for this shitty magazine to waste time and space on this trash.  get a fucking life!


Woody Allen did not have to go to Buc-ee's to marry his step-daughter.

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