Houston Texans Roster-tology: My Latest 53-Man Roster Guess

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Sounds official to us.
After years of trying to get people's respect, trying to force people to sit up and notice how smart I am, I finally figured out what the secret is. (And I'm so smart that I'm about to share this secret with all of you at no charge!)

The secret is this -- just describe whatever it is you do with the suffix "-ology" at the end (thereby making you a "whatever-ologist"). "-ology" implies that there is some degree of science to whatever your job may be, which means it just sounds smart.

For example, for years, ESPN's Joe Lunardi was just some pudgy dude with a toupee-style haircut who tried to predict the 64 teams that would make the NCAA basketball tournament each season. We all laughed at Joe Lunardi when we saw his toothy grin on TV. Then he renamed his craft "bracketology," which inherently made him a "bracketologist," and the respect flowed in.

So I pondered, what "-ology" could I embrace to make people give me that Lunardian level of respect? (I mean, "bracketologist" damn near makes Lunardi sound like a real doctor!) So I went back and looked at my last few weeks of posts to see what exactly I'm good at.

I wrote quite a bit about Joe Paterno, but "Paternologist" sounds too much like a job where I'd have to figure out whether or not Antonio Cromartie fathered a certain child or not. (Answer is always "Yes. He did.") Then, I got it -- my way-too-early prediction on the Texans 53-man roster! It had all the bracketologesque traits of Lunardi's work -- mildly educated guessing, a need for periodic updating, and just enough wiggle room to make excuses when I got one (or several) wrong.

So I'm pleased to announce with authority -- say "HELLO!" to Sean Pendergast, Roster-tologist! I am a doctor of roster-tology!

So let's put on my stethoscope and white linen coat and, two games into the preseason, assess what the Texans 53-man roster would look like if it were to be constructed today:

Let's get all of the locks out of the way first...

THE VETERAN LOCKS (33 total):

QB - Matt Schaub
QB - T.J. Yates
RB - Arian Foster
RB - Ben Tate
RB - Justin Forsett
TE - Owen Daniels
TE - Garrett Graham
TE/FB - James Casey
WR - Andre Johnson
WR - Kevin Walter
WR - LeStar Jean
T - Duane Brown
T - Rashad Butler
T - Derek Newton
G - Wade Smith
G - Antoine Caldwell
C - Chris Myers
DT - Shaun Cody
DT - Earl Mitchell
DE - J.J. Watt
DE - Antonio Smith
OLB - Connor Barwin
OLB - Brooks Reed
ILB - Brian Cushing
ILB - Bradie James
S - Danieal Manning
S - Glover Quin
S - Troy Nolan
CB - Johnathan Joseph
CB - Kareem Jackson
CB - Brice McCain
P - Donnie Jones
LS - Jon Weeks

Comments: The only change here is that I removed inside linebacker Darryl Sharpton from the list of locks because he is having trouble staying healthy, and I'm hopeful the days of the Texans keeping a linebacker in the "Xavier Adibi Memorial Dude Who's Always Injured" spot on the roster are long gone. Everybody else is safe.

THE ROOKIE LOCKS (4 total):
OLB - Whitney Mercilus (1st round)
G - Brandon Brooks (3rd round)
WR - Keshawn Martin (4th round)
DE - Jared Crick (4th round)

Comments: Same four as I had before the season started, and Mercilus and Martin both look like they're going to push for early playing time. If I had to go "Stock Up/Stock Down" on the other two, a la Dick Vitale (who fancies himself a "Screamatologist") I would say this (in Dickie V's voice, hence the ALL CAPS):

BRANDON BROOKS: THE BIG DIAPER DANDY IS STOCK DOWN BAAAABBYYY....HE HAD TWO BAD HOLDING PENALTIES AGAINST THE 49ERS, HE WAS MISSING HIS ASSIGNMENTS, HE WAS SPACE CADET CITY, BABY!!! IF HE KEEPS PLAYING LIKE THIS KUBIAK IS GONNA NEED TO GET A T.O., BAAAAAAABBBBYYYYYYY!!!!!!! NOW AS FOR....

JARED CRICK: HE GETS A BIG STOCK UP!! HE'S COME BACK FROM THE NECK INJURY, AND THE GENERAL, WADE PHILLIPS, SAID IN HIS PRESSER TODAY THAT OF ALL THE DIAPER DANDIES ON THE DEFENSIVE LINE, CRICK HAS BEEN THE DIAPERIEST!!!!! HE'S AWESOME, BAAAAAABBBYYYY, WITH A CAPITAL A!!!!!

Okay, that hurt my head just typing it. I promise not to do that again today. However, while we're at it and using our indoor voices, let's look at some of the other guys on this team who may have moved the needle on their careers, one way or the other:


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NRG Stadium

1 Reliant Park, Houston, TX

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1 comments
FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard topcommenter

Has UH ever produced a decent NFL quarterback?

 

No, no they have not.

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