Aaron Parker: When People with Giant Heads Do Terrible Things

Categories: Crime

giant head.jpg
Having a giant head doesn't always mean you're smart.
Lost in all the shock at finding an infant child among cockroaches in a fetid home in Liberty County earlier this week has been one seemingly inescapable observation: Aaron Parker, the father of the child, whose alleged negligence may be to blame for the child's inadequate care, has, like, a giant head. In fact, his cranium is so big, it conjures strange, nagging feelings of we-don't-know-what in us.

We're not quite sure what the cause of this enormity is, or whether one of the many manifestations of White-Trash Syndrome includes the size of one's cranium. Or whether the mugshot police took somehow horribly distorted the size of this man's head. But if his gargantuan dome is indeed true, it contrasts with modern society's understanding of the meaning behind hulking heads. Which is: intelligence. Possibly even genius status. Rarely does one encounter someone like Parker -- both large-skulled and, apparently, highly stupid.

Inside Parker's atrophying home, law enforcement found not just the child, but also a dead horse and several emaciated animals, reports say. At the time, the child was drinking spoiled mild from a dirty bottle. What's more, the girl had also been kept in a cage. Police are currently looking for Parker.

But this does corroborate pop culture's general understanding of those stricken by brainius elephantus: nefarious tendencies. If you've got a big head, more often than not, that means you're up to no good. The evidence:

4. Mr. Burns

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"Release the hounds"

Pure, unmitigated evil. Mr. Burns hates puppies, children and has the appropriately sized head to pull it off. Favorite Burns line: "We expressed our love physically, as was the style at the time," explaining how his illegitimate child was spawned.

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Hate to have to state the obvious, but there's been a distortion effect applied to that photo. When they showed a picture of the guy on the news, he's just a normal-looking white trash asshole.

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