Rob Gronkowski Gal Pal Bibi Jones Bids Farewell to Porn
Earlier this week, the New England Patriots reportedly let their Pro Bowl tight end Rob Gronkowski know that it was time to dial back the body shots off of hookers, slow down on the shirtless club dancing and say "NO" to random minor league home run derbies. Work starts again in ten days. The "Summer of Gronk" is over.
Photo © Glenn Francis, www.PacificProDigital.com via Wikipedia. Bibi Jones
(To be fair, it sounds like the Patriots conduct sit-downs like this with all of their players as a final reminder that work starts soon, but I'm guessing if the average player's "reminder meeting" lasts ten minutes, then for Gronk the Pats have to carve out an afternoon. Order out for lunch, stay overtime. Just sayin'.)
But while the "Summer of Gronk" might be behind us, there are reminders of Gronk around every corner, and appropriately during a week where the big tight end is laying low and cleaning up his act, one of his, ahem, girl "friends," porn star Bibi Jones (and her considerably less tight end), has announced her retirement from "the business" in search of a better life.
To refresh, it was about eight months ago that photos surfaced on the Internet of Gronkowski and Jones hanging out together, with Jones posing in Gronkowski's Patriots game jersey. Predictably, the pictures made Twitter convulse and sent thousands of Web porn enthusiasts seeking out Jones's, ahem, WORK.
Well, we learned Wednesday that Jones will be looking for different work going forward. She's not long for porn.
When you think of emotional retirement speeches, the gold standard that immediately comes to mind is Lou Gehrig's gut-wrenching goodbye at Yankee Stadium back on July 4, 1939, when the Yankee ironman, who at the time was the owner of the consecutive games played record, set the standard for a "less is more" farewell:
As you will see, Bibi Jones's retirement video is EXACTLY like the Gehrig video -- both had come to work over 2,000 days in a row, both were overcome with emotion and both were addressing their fans while ravaged by some sort of disease (venereal or otherwise). In fact, if you threw a blond wig on Gehrig, put him on Skype and gave him a scorching case of herpes, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between him and Bibi.
So without further ado, the Bibi Jones retirement speech:
Highlights for me:
0:40 -- Bibi has been reading the book Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and it has apparently inspired her to make many life changes. Now, Bibi's version of "reading" the book is apparently the literary equivalent of mowing your lawn by hand with a pair of nail clippers. She is taking her own sweet time, not because she's a slow reader (I'm sure she crushed it on her SATs.), but because Now is one of those books you have to read two pages at a time and then "fully let it soak in," according to Bibi. Deep.
1:24 -- Oh man, now she wants to read a page out of the book, for the people that care. If Bibi Jones is trying to keep my Gehrig-like streak of "number of times I've immediately fast-forwarded to the 3-minute mark of her videos" alive, she's doing a helluva job.
1:30 -- Bibi admits that it would be a shock if any of us were still watching because she's not naked yet in the video. No shit. Now she's going to read page 213. Does Bibi know that if she's going to do the porn star 180-degree turn, Power of Now is not the book you quote scripture from? "Yeah, I'd like to read you a verse from the first book of Eckhart..."
1:40 -- "Blah blah blah....blah blah blah....inner beauty.....blah blah blah...." Is she naked yet?
2:32 -- Wait, Bibi is about to pontificate about the excerpt she just read. Don't we need like three days to "fully let it soak in"? I am not fully soaked yet, Bibi! Not at all!
2:41 -- Bibi discloses she's been very unhappy the last couple months, which is incredible because most folks in the porn industry seem to live very fulfilling lives. Obviously, whatever it was that brought her down must have happened sometime around the time this video was shot, which was uploaded to YouTube right at about two months ago:
See, awesome investigative work by me. Clearly, it was Bibi's dissatisfaction with the talent that she was forced to work with in this BangBros shoot that sent her into this mental tailspin. It's like Dwight Howard realizing that he's surrounded by Jameer Nelson, Big Baby Davis and Hedo Turkoglu when he'd much rather be doing girl/girl scenes with Deron Williams. Same thing.
2:55 -- I think she said, "I need to look at the big picture," but she was slurring a little bit, so there's a decent chance she said, "I need to lick the Big Picture," and the Big Picture is a nickname for some Greg Oden dick-alike.
3:06 -- Everyone knows that "porn doesn't last forever." Oh, I beg to differ, Beebs. With the advent of streaming video, it does last forever. By the way, sure, maybe your physical, um, skills won't last forever, but you're 20 years old! Nine Hartley is like 70 and she's still weaving her naked magic!
3:16 -- Apparently, Bibi's family is not down with her porn career. They probably all feel like they should have seen this coming when she would draw pictures of hot dogs and tall buildings in art class in elementary school. They could have stopped it then! Guilt!
3:32 -- She is quitting porn for her health....because there are healthier ways to burn 2000 calories a day.
3:40 -- "I guess what I'm saying is I'm getting out of the business." I will always remember where I was when I heard Bibi Jones utter these words. This is the "Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth" of the porn industry. Can we get Bibi an echoey microphone, please?!?
3:50 -- "You know, I was promised a lot of things..." Wow, you mean leadership in the porn industry make promises that they don't keep? Always seemed like pretty upstanding people to me. Signed, fake casting couch videos
4:23 -- "I don't want to let down anyone..." Um, Bibi, you're leaving the business, and by doing so you ARE letting down millions of Web-browsing pervs who love your work! Don't leave
us them, Bibi! Don't leave!
4:35 -- She apologizes for the drama of her retirement because she wasn't in the business very long. Apparently, there's some sort of unwritten code in porn that you have to last until at least 21 years old before you can flaunt your retirement. Yes, but you made the most of those years, Bibi. You're the Gale Sayers of porn, which opens up the debate -- Bibi Jones...Hall of Famer?
4:55 -- "I have nothing negative to say about porn, or the people involved in it..." No, nothing negative to say, you're just a sobbing mess about getting out of a business that's chewed you up and spit you out in two years and made you a withering mess at the age of 20 because it hurts everyone around you and because you're legitimately concerned about your health. But, other than that, it's GREAT! You should all try it once!
5:30 -- Bibi talks about starting "fresh." Does she think that quitting porn means that there's some sort of mechanism on the Internet that auto-deletes all of her movies and pictures? Beebs, you traded away any future "fresh starts" the second your first nipple came out.
Unlike retirement speeches in other walks of entertainment which typically end in a "thank you" to the fans, Bibi's retirement speech is punctuated at the end with a teary apology. She never said for what, but Beebs, I think I speak for all of us, even Gronk, when I say, "Apology accepted."
You can go now, Bibi. See you back on the set in six months.
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