Euro 2012: How to Fake a Conversation on Europe's Huge Soccer Tournament

Categories: Sports

You too can Euro trash-talk
Wait a minute, your American red blood-soaked brain might be thinking, wasn't there just an international soccer tournament? World...something? And didn't we win that already? Are we going to kick ass in this one, AGAIN? In short:a) two years ago, b) Cup, c) no and d) no, because this tournament is for European countries only, which makes it more exclusive a/k/a cooler.

The Euros are a 16-team tournament that happens every four years, this time in Poland and Ukraine. Think of the UEFA (u-ay-fuh) Euro Championship as similar to the World Cup, except it doesn't have Asian, African, or North or South American countries. If you already knew that by now, then you're either a genius at geography, or you're much too aware of soccer.

However if you don't know much, but still wish to know what those Europeans are chatting about (the first games have already been played) so it'll be easier to make more effective insults, this might help:

True fact:
Most famous player: Sczescny (Shezny), goalie
Comment: "Wow, good to see Poland finally has a decent line of defense."
Chances: Good to make it out of the group, anything more would be whatever the Polish word for "gravy" is.

But probably not first in the tournament
True fact:
Won in 2004 with 150-1 odds
Most famous player: None?
Comment: "If only their finances were as organized as their midfield."
Chances: Never an automatic win, but probably won't make it out of the group.

True fact:
Did surprisingly well last tournament, reaching the semis, but have lowered expectations this time.
Most famous player: Andrei Arshavin, small striker, a controversial renaissance man of sorts.
Comment: "If only they believed in themselves without requiring vodka, they would easily be in the top five."
Chances: Probably the quarterfinals.

Czech Rep.
True fact:
They are not Czechoslovakia. That does not exist anymore.
Most famous player: Petr Cech, Chelsea keeper and one of the best goalies in the game, but has a very unattractive helmet.
Comment: "The Czechs better check themselves before they wreck themselves, and by 'check' I mean elevate their talent."
Chances: Quarterfinals? Honestly any of these teams could progress, but none of them will get to the semis.


True fact: World Cup runners up, always talented, strong to progress despite being in the "Group of Death."
Most famous player: Arjen Robben (j's are like y's) bald, fearsome, talented winger
Comment: "Those Dutch are dirty, in more ways than one..."
Chances: At least the quarters, maybe semis.

True fact:
Probably the weakest team in this group, but that's still not saying much.
Most famous player: Nicklas Bendtner, striker who scored a 10 on a self-esteem test with a scale of 1 to 9.
Comment: "Denmark reminds me of someone who is very forgettable."
Chances: Probably won't get out of the group

True fact:
Have been in the top 3 of the past three tournaments, winning none
Most famous player: Mesut Ozil, creative midfielder for Real Madrid, with, in the words of Ray Hodgson, "Avatar Eyes."
Comment: "Always the bridesmaid but never the bride, still a sexy bridesmaid, that their play."
Chances: Semis or bust, they're the second best chance to win it all.

True fact: Cristiano Ronaldo
Most famous player: Cristiano Ronaldo, if you need more info you're in over your head. Just give up.
Comment: Okay, Ronaldo is too obvious, so go with anything about Nani, say he talks funny, anything. You'kll get by.
Chances: Anything past the quarters would be enough for writers to talk up Cristiano Ronaldo.

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actually Shevchenko's 35, although he might as well be 38 since everyone thought he'd retired ages ago! Oh, and the crew ESPN has doing the pre-game and half-time shows is absolutely awful. Lalas is an arrogant fool, Ballack has nothing to say and I forget why Bob Ley is even there. Although he might be out already since he was replaced by some English lass for yesterday's games...

Sam Brown
Sam Brown

I have the Krauts winning it all, but Russia looked damn good, too. Holland looks good on paper, but I think that it is just too hard to win playing in clogs.

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