Headlines We'll Never Believe: "Why Beyoncé Is Beyond Embarrassed She's the World's Most Beautiful Woman"

Categories: Spaced City

beyoncecover0425.jpg
How embarrassing.
In case you are just now emerging from your isolation chamber, Houston's Beyoncé has been named People magazine's Most Beautiful Woman.

According to our friends at CultureMap, she is "beyond embarrassed" about this.

To which we cheerfully say: Bullshit.

As evidence, CultureMap cites this "behind the scenes" video of People's cover shot.

Now, you would think that simply the existence of a behind-the-scenes video documenting your hours of posing for the perfect airbrushed shot of a mass-distribution magazine is QED proof that Beyoncé is embarrassed about the whole thing, but there's more!

In it she says, "Being named the world's most beautiful woman is really hard to say. It's overwhelming, it makes me feel crunchy, which means embarrassed."

Since every millisecond of Beyoncé's pregnancy (conspiracy theorists: we know, we know) has been micromanaged from a publicity standpoint, we can only imagine the negotiations for this cover "story" were only slightly less complicated than the Law of the Sea conference.

We're sure all the talks were necessary to do as much as possible to minimize Beyoncé's embarrassment.

Let's just say we're not totally convinced that the idea of choosing Beyoncé originated on the People magazine side of the equation.


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9 comments
David Houston
David Houston

I would readily accept these things on face value, if Photoshop did not exist, and if such software was not widely used by magazines like People...

Zarnelly
Zarnelly

According to People magazine? I haven't picked up a copy of that since the day my Jr. High class was on a field trip to the public library and there was no toilet paper available, just the then current issue of People Magazine. She doesn't look like a man but the most beautiful? Not even close. The folks at People Magazine really need to take a trip to say South Korea or Thailand. The lookers over there are getting better and better every time we go to one of our vacation homes in the said countries. Beyoncé really should not be on any beauty list, it's just wrong.

OldPete
OldPete

CultureMap: the Publicist's Best Friend

Craigley
Craigley

You ever see those pictures of what we'll look like in the future, all racially ambiguous, walking around like automatons in a tampon commercial?

Well the future is here, but I never imagined in the future that the most beautiful woman in the world wears a wig.

What a crying shame.  A wig.  Really?

David Houston
David Houston

True, Asian women can be astonishingly beautiful.  Similarly have you ever seen an ugly Brazilian?

David Houston
David Houston

There is sense in what you say, I personally hold the view that women are beautiful in their respective nations or ethnic groups.  What is considered beautiful in one part of the world may not be so elsewhere.  It's a question of 'natural' versus 'cosmetic'.  Beyonce does not compare to your natural English Rose, or Swedish Bombshell. Or explain why it is that French models are chosen for commercials.  Why, I've seen Dutch air-hostesses that could easily be on magazine covers. Only major difference is Beyonce is heavily caked in makeup and expensive fashions, and every released image is airbrushed.  The word 'cosmetic' sums it all up for me... Sorry folks but 'beauty' does not come in a bottle.

Texmex01
Texmex01

Let your soul glowwwwwwwwwwwww!

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