Keith Judd: Totally Qualified Texas Prisoner on Presidential Ballot (Democrat, of Course)

Categories: Whatever

Courtesy Project Vote Smart
We hope his ponytail is running for vice president.

Just when we threw up our hands in despair over the dearth of worthwhile presidential candidates, a federal prisoner in Texas has made it onto the ballot in West Virginia.

Keith Russell Judd, who's serving 210 months in a decidedly un-oval office in Texarkana for making threats while on the University of New Mexico's campus, has actually run before; he got on Idaho's ballot in 2008, and apparently got on other states' ballots in 1996 and 2000, but apparently voters weren't ready for that kind of hope and change. (We can't find much on his 1999 conviction, other than that he made threats over the telephone.)

Fortunately, the [Beckley, West Virginia] Register-Herald pulled some highlights from Judd's Project Vote Smart biography, including Judd's assertion that his mother was silent-movie star Lillian Russell, who died in 1922, and that he counts Star Trek, MASH and Gunsmoke among his favorite TV shows. (By the way, the reporter behind that article is named Mannix Porterfield, who deserves to be president on the basis of that name alone.)

Judd, who either has the most rad, lustrous ponytail known to man, or was photographed while a chinchilla was sleeping on his shoulder, lists his religion as Rastafarian-Christian, and was formerly a member of both the machinists' union and the Federation of Super Heroes. He lists his father as Homer T Judd, who "designed the first Atomic Bomb."

Judd's bio says he's married, but we unfortunately don't know anything right now about this potential First Lady. Hopefully we can track her down for a heartwarming interview.

And just what does candidate Judd plan to do if elected (besides keeping an eye out for shivs in the showers)? He's calling for "accountability" at the Federal Reserve and the Justice and Treasury departments, as well as a complete overhaul of public schools. Overall, he's running for a noble cause: "To make the world a better place."

And since Judd lists "ESP" and "telling the future" as his hobbies and talents, it seems that he, better than anyone, knows that he'd be able to deliver. Hail to the future chief!

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17-1/2 years for threatening somebody. Sounds like lawyers and judges gone wild. Unless there is more to this besides name-calling. How much has this cost the government? After so many years of farce can't they just get him to say his is sorry and let him go?

Brian Ramey
Brian Ramey

What's really awesome is that this guy got 40% of the vote in West Virginia. That just shows how much Obama is hated. Threats or no, jail or no, ponytail or no, this man still has to be better than Obama


Please don't take this question as facetious or rhetorical, as I'd really like to know: Does the federal prison system really allow inmates to have or grow mullets of such magnitude? The impression one gets from television and film depictions of prison life is that prisoners are required to have hair that is kept short, but such tropes might not be based on reality. Does that mullet still exist? Did it survive the transition into captivity? Was it born in captivity? If I vote for the man, do I get the mullet? Come on, Houston Press! You're an investigative news organization... INVESTIGATE!

Princess Mango
Princess Mango

Keith's married? That bastard! He told me he was single before he impregnated me with his secret love child via astral projection...

Craig Malisow
Craig Malisow

Who's to say a certain reporter may or may not be going undercover for many years in a federal prison, giving said reporter enough time to cultivate a magnificent mullet, and record the warden's response, so that such important, burning questions can be answered?

But, aside from that, I hear that the mullet-tail in question got an early release for good behavior. 

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