Tim Tebow's First Day As A New York Jet -- A Screenplay

Categories: Game Time, Sports

A family film, to be sure

It's a cold, crisp late March afternoon as a limousine pulls into the front driveway of the Jets headquarters building. Out steps the newest New York Jet, quarterback Tim Tebow, dressed in jeans and a long coat. As he steps out of the car, he kisses his two index fingers and points at the sky to thank God for the limousine parking safely in the driveway. (Ten seconds before that he had done the exact same thing for the limo making a proper left-hand turn, and twenty seconds before that he had done the exact same thing for successfully finishing a bottle of spring water and an energy bar on the trip from the airport to Florham Park.)

Tebow walks in through the front door of the building.


A buxom brunette named Jenn is manning the phones at the reception desk . Tebow strides confidently to the desk as the ample-breasted receptionist has her phone on speaker and is deleting a handful of personal voicemail messages. She disgustedly deletes them one after the other.

Audio of receptionist Jenn's voicemails

JENN: (shaking her head) Four years and he still won't stop calling me! ...(looking at Tebow) I'm sorry, can I help you?

TEBOW: Yes, I'm Tim Tebow. I'm the new quarterback, I'm here to see Mr. Tannenbaum.

JENN: New quarterback, huh... (stands up and assesses Tebow's package)... do you have unlimited texting?

TEBOW: Wha'...huh?

JENN: (sitting back down) Oh, never mind. I'll get Mr. Tannenbaum for you right away.... (dials Mike Tannenbaum's extension) Mr. Tannenbaum, Tim Tebow is here to see you... okay... (hangs up, faces Tebow) He says he'll be right down, have a seat.

TEBOW: Thank you. God bless.

Jenn looks confused as to why she was just blessed for merely contacting Tebow's appointment. Tebow goes and sits down on the couch and kisses both index fingers and points at the sky, thanking God for his proper execution of sitting down on a couch. Thirty seconds later, Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum walks into the lobby and approaches Tebow.

TANNENBAUM: Welcome, Tim. (shaking hands)

TEBOW: Hello, Mr. Tannenbaum. It's nice to be here. I've only been here for three minutes, and I feel right at home. That Jenn is a very nice lady.

TANNEBAUM: (looking concerned) You didn't exchange cell phone numbers with her, did you?

TEBOW: No, but I'd be happy to if....

TANNENBAUM: NO..NO..NO...that's quite all right. We're still dealing with a, um, situation with a previous quarterback. Not your concern. What do you say we go over into the amphitheater and I can start to get you acquainted with the Jets.

TEBOW: Gee, Mr. Tannenbaum, that sounds dandy!

Tebow and Tannebaum head into the amphitheater, which conveniently enough is attached to the lobby.


Tebow takes a seat in the front row as Tannenbaum presses a button on the wall. A large movie screen descends from the ceiling and Tannenbaum grabs a remote that controls the video player in the room.

TANNENBAUM: Tim, we are a proud franchise, and even though we've only been to one Super Bowl and that took place over four decades ago, I'm going to tell you we have a rich tradition, because if I say it enough then by God, you might believe me.

TEBOW: (excited) Did you say GOD??

TANNENBAUM: It's a figure of speech, kid...

TEBOW: (subdued) Oh...

TANNENBAUM: Anyway, as I was saying, we're a proud franchise, and in any proud franchise leadership on the field starts at the top. I think you're really going to enjoy Coach Ryan...

Tannenbaum presses the PLAY button on the remote and the following video begins.

TANNENBAUM: I know that video may seem a tad uncomfortable, but I really think...

TEBOW: (interrupting excitedly) Uncomfortable? Yeah, uncomfortably AWESOME! Mr. Tannenbaum, John 13:10 says "Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you." So it sounds like Coach Ryan understands the holy value and symbolism of washing the feet of his disciples! (Tebow kisses his index fingers and points at the sky)

TANNENBAUM: Um...yeah...I guess you could say that...sure, why not...(Tannebaum awkwardly kisses his index fingers and points at the sky like Tebow)

TEBOW: Well, so far, so good, Mr. Tannenbaum...so what can you tell me about the other quarterbacks?

TANNEBAUM: Well, you heard me mention our franchise's rich tradition before. Well, it stems from our long line of quarterbacks that goes all the way back to the late `60's with a fellow you may have heard of by the name of Joe Namath... (presses PLAY on the remote)

TEBOW: Holy smokes, Mr. Tannenbaum, I can't believe Mr. Namath asked that nice lady to go all the way on television!

TANNENBAUM: Huh? All the way? He asked if he could kiss her...

TEBOW: I know. Like I said...all the way...crazy....

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You had me until the part where Tebow actually KNEW HIS BIBLE.  (Up until that point?  Genius.)


Matthew 6:5-6ESV 

“And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

1 Thess 5:18 NLT"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belongto Christ Jesus."

To sum up:1.   Tebow is a hypocrite, praying in a public forum so as to make himself a spectacle...and a hypocrite,2.  Evangelicals are taught to "be thankful in all things".  (I am one of them.)  So will he take a knee and pray after every horribly over-thrown 12 yard crossing pattern?  Probably not, if experience is an indicator.


Seanie -- referring to this morning's show, I want to know why your impression of Satin coaching his team of Roethlisberger and Vick was so much better than your impression of God talking to his son Tebow. Huh? Why!?


Please tell me his doesn't have to "date" a Kardashian of either gender.


Can always count on Sean for fresh perspective. smh


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So, when Jesus gave thanks to God before the Sermon on the Mount, he was being a hypocrite?  Or could you possibly be omitting some context, like how the Pharisees actually WERE hypocrites, preaching the law but not living it, and would stand for hours on street corners praying loudly to show their holiness?  Do you really think a moment of silence on bended knee is analogous to hours of strident public speech, and do you believe Tebow is not actually giving thanks?

Regarding your second point, is it your opinion that Tebow only thanks God when he wins?  Because that opinion is not supported by the (readily available) evidence.

Sean Pendergast
Sean Pendergast

What are you trying to say? That i have conversations with Satan? ///nervously looking around


 Luckily for Little Timmy, I believe all the male Kardashians were ritually devoured by the female Kardashians.

So that's a thing.


 Sounds like it...except without the Hicks-esque "chocking on Satan's cock" part.

But I could be wrong.

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