LeBron James Has Someone Cut His Meat for Him
Statistically, LeBron James is having perhaps the best season in the history of the NBA. Per game, he is averaging 27.6 points, 8.1 rebounds and 6.8 assists, and for you advanced stat geeks (you probably already know this), he is carrying an ungodly 32.68 Player Efficiency Rating (or PER, as you Harvard types call it).
LeBron would never eat his pisghetti this way.
Above and beyond that, he has the Heat playing at a level (seven straight wins by an average of 17 points) to where it's probably safe to reserve a ballroom for the coronation ceremony in June.
In short, the window is closing and the list is dwindling on the time and things for which we can ridicule LeBron. This, however, doesn't mean I will go down without a fight.
Like this story, from Peter Pattakos of the blog clevelandfrowns.com:
Pattakos recently conducted an interview with a former server at the XO Steakhouse in Cleveland who reportedly was LeBron James's server of choice when he frequented the Warehouse District establishment during his time as a Cleveland Cavalier.
Among the tidbits she divulged, we learned that the infamous story of LeBron tipping $10 on an $800 tab may or may not be true, that she would oftentimes add the gratuity into LeBron's bill to avoid such a hassle (with some occasional "hey, they weren't with me" resistance from the King regarding his posse), and that LeBron liked having her serve him because she "didn't put up with his crap."
Those are all fun little voyeuristic things to learn about one of the high-profile sports personalities of our generation, but not nearly as fun as this nugget:
"(S)he also told us that LeBron liked to drink apple martinis, which comes as no surprise because apple martinis are delicious, and if you had a job where you could take a four-hour nap every day to sleep off the sugar hangover, you would drink them, too. Relatedly, LeBron would ask his servers to have his steak (well done) already cut up for him, which corroborates a report by a (former?) server at Johnny's who once told Grzegorek that LeBron would order his spaghetti cut up as well, and also of course enhances the credibility of our source."
Okay, I'd like to focus in on this -- LeBron James asked the restaurant to cut his steak for him.
I'll preface my opinion on this alleged fact with an admission that perhaps I'm reading too much into this, and also with an inkling that deep down there's the faux corporate side of LeBron that probably sees the outsourcing of his meat cutting as some type of "Businessman 101" delegation skill. Yes, maybe.
However, if it's okay with you, I'd like to think of LeBron's desire for pre-cut meat as a metaphor for LeBron still being an overgrown grade school kid with the narcissism of a bodybuilder and the self-awareness of a soap opera character.
I'd like to think that when the steak was brought out to LeBron, it was interrupting his feverish crayon coloring of the Spider-Man cartoon on his paper place mat with the kids' menu printed in the lower right-hand corner.
I'd like to think that if the staff at XO actually forgot to cut his meat, he would pitch a fit, ask for the chef to come out of the kitchen, and the chef would stand over LeBron's shoulder cutting the meat for him as LeBron wiped away his tears.
I'd like to think that LeBron drank Sprite from a cup with a lid on it.
I'd like to think that for dessert, LeBron eschewed the delicacies of the establishment like tiramisu, cheesecake and key lime pie, and instead opted for a dessert befitting an adult who asked another adult to cut his meat for him, like a tube of Go-Gurt or a Jell-O pudding pop.
I'd like to think that LeBron is the only person in this country over the age of ten who still cuts up their spaghetti.
So let the grasping for straws begin. Like a second grader, LeBron has someone slice up his meat for him before he eats it. Once he wins his first NBA title this June, stuff like this will be all we anti-Brontites have left in our quest to take down LeBron.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
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