5 Celebrity Habits You Can Give Up for Lent, Like Drinking Ranch Dressing & Anal Bleaching

Categories: Whatever

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Not until Easter for us, alas.
Lent hath begun.

Therefore you must give up something. Yeah, you could go the old "broccoli!!" route, but that's juvenile. Instead, you should make a true sacrifice. Look to those who are most honored in our society -- celebrities -- and give up for those 40 days one of their habits.

That's what we're doing. So for us, we will be giving up these five things:

5. Drinking ranch dressing
Eternal Father, Thy Son has promised that Thou wilt grant us all the graces which we ask Thee for in His name. Therefore taketh notice that during Lent I shalt not drink ranch dressing in the manner of one of your creations, Courtney Cox. Do not thanketh me, O Lord, it is Your service I sacrifice.

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Just one for us during Lent, please.
4. Anal bleaching
Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding and my whole will. Especially the anal bleaching; let that cap passeth to Kirsten Dunst.

3. Eating two pecan pies in one sitting
Sufficient to the day is the pecan pie thereof, and unlike Oprah we shall limit ourselves to one pie per sitting until Easter.

2. Thousand-thread count sheets
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
But I shan't be like thy child J-Lo
(For Lent) my thread count is too low

1. $75,000 gift/swag bags
Hail Mary, full of grace
The Lord is with thee, and thy J. Holly International featuring Mon Platin Natural Dead Sea Mud Pack
Blessed art thou among a $16,000 all-inclusive getaway to Huvafen Fushi luxury resort in the Maldives
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, the Total Indulgence Skin Trio by LaVigne Organic Skincare
Holy Mary, mother of The Kim Kardashian Signature Watch Collection
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our six-month unlimited Executive Membership to Circuit Works,
Amen.


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1 comments
NewsDog
NewsDog

I'm giving up watching (and hopefully reading about) celebutards for Lent.

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