The Bloody, Sexy Beginnings of Valentine's Day

Categories: Whatever

Hey -- Is St. Valentine crossing his fingers?
When you're giving your significant other overpriced flowers and candies tomorrow, remember this: You're celebrating the brutal beheading of a dude who just wanted to help horny youngsters.

There are many myths and theories about the beginnings of Valentine's Day, but we turn to the History Channel for our definitive version.

There are lessons to be learned:

5. Don't mess with an emperor called "Claudius the Cruel"
Because really, how far do you think you're going to get with your pleas for mercy?

4. Young folks have always been trying to get some
Kids today, what with their hook-ups and all, amirite? Well, it was no different back in Claudius the Cruel's day. Except for the fact the kids were getting married first, which we guess is something.

Claudius, according to one theory, "believed that Roman men were unwilling to join the army because of their strong attachment to their wives and families."

So he banned all marriages and engagements in Rome. Problem solved, right?

3. Love will find a way
Problem not solved, beeyatch. A priest named Valentine went on marrying people on the down low.

2. You can't keep a marriage secret
No matter how much people like Newt Gingrich would prefer you not talk about his various marriages, people are gonna talk. Claudius found out about Valentine's activity, and beheaded him on February 14, 278. We assume he maniacally and evilly giggled as he watched.

1. Getting beheaded won't let you keep your Saint's Day
In 1969 -- a free-love year with "69" in it, for crying out loud, Pope Paul VI took away St. Valentine's Day from the church's official calendar, saying not enough was firmly established about it.

Unfortunately for Catholic men, that didn't stop women from expecting something, a card even, is that too much to ask, on February 14.

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Nightmare on Bagby
Nightmare on Bagby

First the Easter Bunny, then Santa Claus, and then they told me there was no St. Christopher and that silver medalion on the gearshift wouldn't protect me from a high-speed crash. And now you say there probably weren't no St. Valentine neither??? Why next thing you know some secular humanist will be making the case that St. Paul was a misogonistic control-freak tax-collector who spotted a good scam he could make some bank off of if the Romans would just get rid of that foolish dreamer riding on that damn donkey.... Huh? Oh, never mind......


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