Houston Texans Grieving Process 2.0: At Least We're Not THIS GUY in Louisiana! (w/ NSFW VIDEO)


2:10 -- A second 'Bama fan (jeans, long sleeves, white ball cap) reaches for his zipper and implies that he'd like to go Pulp Fiction on the poor dude. Call me crazy, but when one of our buddies passed out, the worst thing we would do is grab a Sharpie and adorn his face with some unwanted faux facial hair. It never occurred to any of us to even take out our junk, let alone utilize it in some fashion on the victim. Am I the crazy one here?

2:40 -- Go ahead and check off "dumping bottled water on drunk guy" as "DONE."

3:00 -- The blond Cassin leans in for a couple more pictures, and at this point, unless they were legitimately concerned about the guy, then Cassin, Setterstrom and Bagg have all crossed over to "we have spent a creepy amount of time ogling this guy" territory. Losers. Setterstrom in particular is starting at the LSU fan like he might go grab some ketchup and lick it off the guy's ear.

3:05 -- LSU fan starts to move, so if you bet on "DEAD +250," you can toss your ticket. It's a loser.

3:23 -- ROLL TIDE! ROLL TIDE! ROLL TIDE! (Sorry 'Bama fan, I can't hear that chant without thinking of Mike Price screaming "It's rolling, baby! It's rolling!" with a stripper on top of him reverse-cowgirl style.)

3:33 -- NSFW part begins...NOW. Bagg takes out his...well...BAG.

3:45 -- Bagg climbs up on the counter next to LSU fan's head, mounts the guy's skull and begins face humping him with his testicles. The 'Bama crowd vociferously approves and encourages (which The Accused taught all of us IS a crime).

3:50 -- And as if Bagg couldn't be a bigger douche (backwards ball cap, cheesy facial hair, enjoys rubbing his scrotum on a prone man's cheek), he has a BELT HOLSTER for his cell phone. Biggest Dickhead contest? OVER. Game, set, match. It's Tee Bagg.

4:00 -- Bagg raises his arms in the air like a champion, as if to say, "YES! I JUST WET HUMPED A DRUNK MAN'S FACE! WHO'S THE MAN? BAGG'S THE MAN!!!"

4:23 -- Perhaps afraid that the authorities hadn't seen enough to send him away for about 20 years, Bagg decides to go in for sloppy seconds on LSU fan's armpit. "Ah, there we go...that should be enough video evidence to lose at a trial."

Since this scene took place, Setterstrom and Cassin have taken down their Facebook pages, and Bagg continues to roam the countryside on the loose, presumably rubbing his junk on other unconscious males throughout the southeast.

So there you go, Texan fan. Was Sunday terrible for you? Of course it was. But at least you didn't get the sweaty balls of a drunk Alabama fan dragged across your face. Moreover, at least you're not facing a potential trial for sexual assault like said Alabama fan once they track him down.

Because wherever they decide to send Tee Bagg, he'll likely not get to be as selective as to how the male genitalia is administered and utilized.

Feel better, Texan fan?

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.



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7 comments
Josniff
Josniff

 This story is not funny.  This is sexual battery and punishable by up to 10 years in prison.  I hope the idiot from Bama enjoyed himself because the guys in the Louisiana State Penitentiary are sure going to enjoy him.  

MGL_COOG
MGL_COOG

T Mac made him do it! #EverythingsMyFault

Mike in Houston
Mike in Houston

Nice job Sean... equating Alabama's football win with a sexual assault, and then continue to make light of an actual assault in a lame attempt at humor tied to the Texans' loss and supposed fan grief. Way to stay classy.

Wyatt
Wyatt

Sometimes disturbing things can be funny as well. If you can't see that then maybe you should hole up with some Teletubbies DVDs and leave the rest of us alone.

Lisa W
Lisa W

Sorry, a PBS show does not equate the NON CONSENT actions this jerk did. If his wang is as small as his brain, no wonder his bag was kids-meal sized.

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