Pop Rocks: And Now, Your Least Anticipated Movies of 2012

Categories: Art

"Down on Jump St..." oh, the hell with this.
The end of the year is always a nice time for going to the theater. Studios are desperate to cram anything they want for "awards consideration" into the final two weeks of December, leading to a larger than usual number of thoughtful, well-made films available for your holiday viewing pleasure.

Yeah, well, Christmas is over, suckers. A brand spanking new year sprawls before us, just like that person you passed out with at your neighbor's NYE party without bothering to get their name. And looks about as appealing.

Sure, there are some promising films on the horizon (The Dark Knight Rises, Lincoln...Resident Evil: Retribution), but like Van Helsing said, we'll have to pass through the bitter water before we reach the sweet.

Steve Van Helsing. Used to play hockey with him.

I'm not saying 2012 is looking any more pungent than your typical year, on the other hand, it was impossible to limit my list of least anticipated to only ten this time around.

One for the Money - January 27
Plot Synopsis: "Stephanie Plum (Katherine Heigl), an unemployed lingerie buyer, convinces her bail bondsman cousin Vinnie to give her a shot as a bounty hunter."

This is the first in what I'm sure Lionsgate is hoping will be a successful series of films based on Janet Evanovich's "Stephanie Plum" series. Heigl, on the other hand, is looking to overcome her reputation as box office poison in something that sounds like a gender-reversed Bounty Hunter.

And yes, I know Evanovich's novel came first. For those looking forward to a long onscreen relationship with Stephanie Plum, I have three words: Captain Jack Aubrey.

Big Miracle - February 3
Plot Synopsis: "The tale of a small town news reporter (John Krasinski) and a Greenpeace volunteer (Drew Barrymore) who are joined by rival world superpowers to save a family of majestic gray whales trapped by rapidly forming ice in the Arctic Circle."

Russia, one of the "rival world superpowers" mentioned, was apparently trying to make up some karma, since they allow Chukotka in Russian Far East to kill 140 gray whales a year.

Wanderlust - February 24
Plot Synopsis: "George (Paul Rudd) and Linda (Jennifer Aniston) are an overextended, stressed out Manhattan couple. After George is downsized out of his job, they find themselves with only one option: to move in with George's awful brother in Atlanta."

Yes, please, another movie about "finding out what's important" after losing your job. If you've recently been "let go," maybe you could catch a double feature of this and Larry Crowne. And then start on that drinking problem.

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Where is the Apocalypse when you need it the most!!!! I Guess when you have money and are famous you can poison society with anything... LITERALLY ANYTHING. What shocks me the most is people having time and money for this kind of CRAP!!! 


"Oh, and Atlas Shrugged: Part II, which will screen exclusively in the living room of one of the seven people who saw the original." That's money right there. BTW, I'd see this bit of Republican-policy fantasy before any of the other turkeys on this list... well, except for maybe Madagascar 3. I've lusted after Jada for a while. Just saying.

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