Jets Fan Pooch-Punts Giants Fan's Skull (w/ VIDEO and Zapruder-Like Analysis)

Categories: Game Time, Sports

Fun at the ol' ballpark.
Spending Christmas Eve in the emergency room, whether as a patient or a loved one of a patient, is no fun. Trust me, I've had to do it twice.

Back in 2000, my son Sammy was only six months old and had to go to the emergency room and stay in the hospital overnight for some sort of breathing deal. (Don't know if it was an asthma attack or something else, I just know he could barely breathe -- does it make me a bad father that I don't remember what exactly he had? I mean, he's 12 now, and breathes just fine.)

A few years before that, my ex-wife's family dog swallowed a rib bone whole and we literally had to take him to the "ER" equivalent for dogs and watch the veterinarian pull a whole rib from his rectum. While it was not an actual human being suffering at the time (unless you count the spectators to this grotesque event), I consider Bubba's "rib-ectomy" the far more traumatizing experience of the two.

So it is with a staunch history of "Christmas Eve in the ER" experience that I say I feel for the family of this drunk Giants fan you're about to watch get his ass kicked in this video:

Go ahead, go through it once, then I will break down the detailed anatomy of the only fight that the Jets actually won on Saturday in MetLife Stadium. (Note: The video has since been removed from YouTube, so you'll have to do some searching on your own.)

In terms of the ebb and flow of a classic brawl like Creed-Balboa, Creed-Balboa II, or Peachy-Moody in My Bodyguard, you will get none of that here. This was a rout from jump. But if we are to prevent this from happening again in the future (and as someone who needs content each day, I don't know that I necessarily want that to happen, but I digress), we need to understand how the fight starts and what elements cause escalation.

The kindling for what eventually becomes the main event in this video appears to be a couple of women brawling over something. (Frankly, that's the kindling for most fights since the dawn of time.) Having sat with women at football games before (My girlfriend is a Texans season ticket holder in the bullpen), my guess is the list of what possibly started the fight looks like this:

1. One woman commenting about the other's fat ass
2. One woman commenting about the other's homely facial features
3. One woman commenting about how many strange penises the other one has touched in her life
486. The Jets' inability to get a pass rush on Eli Manning

Let's go to the frame by frame, shall we?

0:06 -- Difficult at first to spot the culprits, but eventually you see a female Giant fan who bears a blurry resemblance to Tonya Harding. Actually, given the brawl that this touched off, the odds are about +350 that it may actually be Tonya Harding. You see her hit the deck presumably from a shove or a punch from a female Jets fan (foreshadowing). Underrated part of this shot -- the white guy with the Plaxico Burress jersey and headband. Somewhere in the bizarro world, this guy shares season tickets with a black guy in a Mark Brunell jersey.


0:17 -- After seeing his lady disrespected, male Giant Fan in hoodie and Giants stocking cap assumes a ready battle stance to fight anyone and everyone wearing green. This will be the last we see of Giant Fan standing upright and fully aware of his surroundings in this video. You've been warned. (NOTE: About this time also is where we get someone from the crowd yelling "Where's Snooki?" People from Jersey making fun of other people from Jersey for being too, well, "Jersey" is very funny to me. Probably the same way listeners feel when I make fun of Carlos Lee for being a fat ass.)


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