Pop Rocks: A Few (Updated) Non-Pokemon Speeches for Herman Cain

Categories: Art

It was fun (to watch) while it lasted, but Herman Cain officially "suspended" his Presidential campaign last weekend. The former Godfather's CEO had long been dogged by accusations of sexual harassment (to say nothing of his unfamiliarity with the Libyan crisis or how to pronounce "Uzbekistan"), but the final nail in his political coffin came in the form of one Ginger White, who came forward to disclose their 13-year extramarital affair.

Leaving aside questions of whether or not a longstanding "arrangement" between consenting adults is somehow worse than insinuating you'll exchange employment for a blow job, the weirdest part of this whole thing was Cain's choice of farewells:

On Saturday, Cain announced that he was suspending his campaign for the GOP presidential nomination, and his parting words included a quote from an unlikely source: A song from "Pokémon: The Movie 2000."

The former CEO of Godfather's Pizza said this weekend as he has previously during his campaign, "Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, it's never easy when there is so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference."

Source material aside, that's pretty...uninspired. Considering there's over a century of film history to choose from, perhaps Cain could've tried a little harder. No worries, I've taken care of that for his next speech.

Suggested passages are listed below, with appropriately modified wording, of course.

Bluto's Speech -- Animal House (1978)

"What? Over? Did you say 'over?' Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when [my mistress of 13 years made our affair public]? Hell no!

"What the fuck happened to the [GOP] I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the [unblinking devotion to crackpots and serial adulterers], huh? This could be the greatest [election] of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you [Herman], we might get [beat by Obama]." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. [Romney], he's a dead man! [Gingrich], dead! [Santorum]..."

Coach Rig's Halftime Speech -- Necessary Roughness (1991)

"Not a god damn thing's been working for us. Like this goddamn [devoted husband shtick] doesn't work for me... and this stinking tie... and this goddamned [wife]. It doesn't work for me! You know how to play hard-nosed [politics]? You play politics like [Karl Rove] played politics! A guy who gave his life for [unbridled right wing fanatcism]. He was a [2]40-pound [Deputy Chief of Staff], and he [campaigned] like a goddamn wild man! No! Like a goddamn rampaging beast! And that's the way you got to do it! You go out there You tear their fucking [campaign network's] heads off! And you shit down their [donor list]! Let us pray."

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Jim C
Jim C

Career politicians are getting a bad rep nowadays, but at least they're decisive.  When they quit, they quit.  They don't "suspend" anything.  "Suspending" is a weasel word for lacking the ability to make a decision and stand by it.  Refer to Perot, Ross.

Tunnel Mole
Tunnel Mole

Comedians everywhere (and their audiences) are missing him already!

But that's awesome, you sussed out Pokemon as the source for ithe speech's nspiration....

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