Yet Another List of Funny (Accused) Criminal Names: Hello, Mega Matahari!

Categories: Whatever

Hush, little Mega Matahari.
Every so often we furnish you with a list of some of the strangest, funniest and most awesome names we find in our daily trollings of Harris County records. Usually, we do this roughly once a quarter, but this month has been fertile, so much so that we are now bringing you a new installment of a dozen a mere four weeks after our last go-round. (You can find that one here, and our earlier efforts hither, thither and yon.

Jose Akeem Horton: I love the multicultural aspects of this name, it's H-Town pride, and the fact that you can peg the guy's date of birth to some time between 1982 (when Akeem Olajuwon first made his presence felt) to around 1990, when Dream added the "H" to "Akeem." (Horton was born in 1984, right after Olajuwon lead the Houston Cougars to their third straight Final Four.)

Schvolva Tichvodka Hayes: Wow, just wow. Sort of naughty, sort of suggestive, sort of boozy, very alt-Russian, and all the way weird.

"Schvolva Schvolva bo Bolva, Bananafana fo fana, Schvolva!"

Pepper D'Shawn Canada: Pepper and Canada: they go together like hockey and Honduras.

Markquelas Quetras: Reminds of South Pacific isles and Aussie airlines.

Twalure Lynnioes Spears: I sort of get "Twalure" but I have no idea about that middle name.

Mega Matahari: Sounds like an early Nintendo game involving outer space spies or something like that. And it's super-cool.

Adrena D. Turnipseed: Names don't get much more down-home and country than that.

Vi-Lasha Ru-Sheame Wallace: Not a big fan of the dash name, but this one is interesting.

Julia Lynn Phlegm: Was this person cursed? Did she lose a bet? Couldn't someone have changed the spelling to "Flem" somewhere along the line? Really....Phlegm? It sounds bad. It's hard to spell. It refers to a disgusting substance. I just don't get it.

Nautilus Shepard: Sounds like a track star -- an Olympic 110-meter hurdles gold medalist. Awesome name.

Cleopatrick Charles: Two words: Pimp 'In.

D'Mornay Freddi Joe James: Another one you can peg to a moment in time: roughly the same time-frame as Jose Akeem Horton. We would guess Mr. James was born sometime between the release of Risky Business in 1983 and 1993, when Rebecca DeMornay's star began to wane. (1988 is his date of birth, a quick peek reveals.)

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Hm, seems like a pattern here that I just can't put my finger on. Allow my suggestions:

Seagull; Barbara Hershey's assumed name in the 1960s. God knows "Beaches," was a crime against humanity as was naming her son, Free.

Apple; Ms. Paltrow's daughter. Crime? Have you seen "Sliding Doors?" Everyone in the famiy should do time for that.

Oh, my personal favorites, the Beckhams.

Brooklyn. YOU'RE FROM ENGLAND!Romeo. YOU'RE FROM ENGLAND!Cruz. YOU'RE FROM ENGLAND! And, obviously, looking to minimize spelling/signature times.Harper Seven. YOU'RE...obviously from England and maybe a little high from the epidural.

Kardasshian, (does it really matter which one?) named her kid Mason, either after a trade, (yeah, I am trying to stop laughing, too) or a secret society, (even funnier when you consider these, ahem, people eat, procreate, and defecate in public, like zoo animals) some secret.Just saying.


Twalure = priest from Princess Bride saying trailer? But Lynnioes (Lynn-e-os)... Could it be a bastardization of Linus? Why, oh why, condemn your child to a life on the police blotter?

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