Dr. Brown's Letters to Sophie, Volume III: The Key to an Awesome Orgasm

Categories: Whatever

michaelbrownmug100311.jpg
Michael Brown with more great bedroom advice
We're guessing many fathers might feel uncomfortable discussing sex with their daughters. And it's a real shame, because, based on what we're reading in Dr. Michael Brown's "Letters to Sophie," telling your daughter that the key to a happy, successful marriage is to fuck your husband a lot, is in fact not creepy -- it's natural, beautiful, and the responsible thing for a parent to do.

And Brown certainly knows what he's talking about: some of the letters describe how suicidal he gets over Sophie's mother's "emotional abuse," which includes withholding sex; one letter was supposedly written in a pasture, where he sat down with pen, paper, pistol, and pillow to muffle to self-inflicted gunshot. But in the missive below, he imparts words of wisdom that every father should share with his female children. (We copied this directly from the letter, so any spelling/punctuation oddities are Brown's).

There are two aspects of sex....it's psycology and the technical aspect. Both are important. I am writing and describing to you the psycologic basis and atmosphere you are responsible in creating to promote sex which is essential to marital bliss. I am writing another book about the technical aspects of sex which I will give you when you get married.
The "technical book" will enlighten you. Your husband must have one too -- I'll write it if not for a brother of yours yet to be born than for him for you too deserve the...totality of sexual ecstasies -- God's gifts to be enjoyed, understood, and revered. Once you get the sex thing on track don't ever get complacent and forget...every 2 or 3 days at least & you initiate sex every few weeks. Use a calendar if you have to. Understand your husbands need for you two want sex (sex=love=sex) from him. If you show him you don't want sex you are in fact telling the male brain, evolved over millions of years, that you don't want his love, that you reject the...most valuable thing he can offer you, that you reject him. This is fact. Don't even think about taking issue with this one even though I want you to think for yourself....

So sacred is sex that you must never hurt another with it by witholding it or telling (or acting like) you didn't enjoy it. Sure you can tactfully let your husband know how to best please you but always he should feel that as far as you are concerned, in your eyes, he's the greatest lover who ever lived....If after sex say 20 minutes later the conversation begins with your husband saying "That was great!" rest assured he's not giving you a compliment (though he might want to) but rather he's trying to illicit a compliment from you. If you answer "yes" he's gonna continue fishing and may say "Did you enjoy it?" if you say "I said yes, quit asking" then you are diminishing the value of the just finished love-making....During lovemaking, your partner's enjoyment should be your prime concern....not your own. If you do this then you will be a technically and emotionally great lover....This kind of lovemaking yields an orgasm multiplied many times by the emotional satisfaction of knowing your partner appreciates you....Without the emotion and letting the other know they are giving you pleasure sex is merely "mechanical" with no advantage over masturbation.

Man, we hope he hurries up and writes that "technical" guide to sex. We imagine it would include a plethora of positions and techniques. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to go poke out our eyes with a shrimp fork.


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23 comments
Tumbler_the_Government_Man
Tumbler_the_Government_Man

If this was written as intended to be read by adults, it might be sound advice if the intent was to have a lasting marriage. There's no way it wouldn't work. At least what was written here. And before you make a face, remember this presumes he's espousing these qualities as partner behavior, not female only behavior.

Cheetahkitty
Cheetahkitty

His thoughts and comments remind me of one peddling a new cult.  Creepy. 

Phoenix
Phoenix

Is there no end to this vile saga? Please don't let there be a volume IV.

jake8jazz
jake8jazz

I think the good doctor's brain has been infiltrated by gummi bears

Ssherm_texas
Ssherm_texas

These missives are the reason a judge had the wisdom to terminate his parental rights to his marriage #3 offspring.  Hopefully the current judge will be as wise.

Jeparmer
Jeparmer

HAVING WORKED WITH THIS COMPLETE WASTE OF HUMAN TISSUE FOR MORE THAN 12 YEARS, I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT YES, HE IS JUST AS F***ING NUTS AS THE LETTERS SUGGEST. IF HE DOES HAVE A MALE CHILD, THE KID WILL PROBABLY GROW UP TO BE A SERIAL KILLER!

Tunnel Mole
Tunnel Mole

Don't bogart that shrimp fork, my friend...pass it over to me

Sodalite
Sodalite

It's official, I now have heebie jeebies. Those poor children. 

Mike in Houston
Mike in Houston

This is the 'Brown Hand Technique'? Where's the humantarian award to throw?

Katy
Katy

Was this another letter written when said daughter was a toddler?

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

This is a man who's clearly obsessed with and frustrated by his own sex life. Why he thinks an appropriate outlet for his frustrations is his infant daughter -- even if only through these utterly disturbing "Letters to Sophie" -- is a topic of discussion that I hope a licensed psychiatrist has had with him.

Also, Dr. Brown, if you think that sex is the "most valuable thing" that a man can offer a woman, it's no surprise that your sex life is so dissatisfying. Dick is great, but it's not more valuable than emotional support, kindness, intellectual stimulation and a whole host of other considerations that a man should ideally bring to a marriage. I'm just guessing you brought none of those things, and the lack of sex followed your lack of emotional support, kindness, etc. JUST GUESSING.

deedee2die4
deedee2die4

"Daddy's little girl."

If this guy's TV ads didn't creep you out, you need to get a intuition tune-up.

J. Moss
J. Moss

It's a shame he wasn't convicted. Sounds like he and Warren Jeffs could have had some interesting conversations.

Jeff
Jeff

This would be hilarious if it were fake and not completely pathetic.

Championshipvinyl73
Championshipvinyl73

If he writes the "technical guide" can he still call it "The Brown Technique" (#minimallyinvasive, #doesntrequirestitches) or did he lose the patent rights in divorce no. 4 ? The great philosopher Chris Rock once said that a father has but one job in his daughter’s life, to keep her off the pole. This MENSA is actually POLISHING the pole for his!! Rock on FOTY!

JB
JB

I can't figure out if this is supposed to be satire.  I assume it is, but the original post was presented as actually by him, but never sourced. 

I'm enjoying/appalled by them either way, but I'd appreciate it if y'all cleared up my confusion.

TK
TK

Dr. Brown has the perfect last name, Brown.  He is a huge f-ing turd.

Craig Malisow
Craig Malisow

Yes, sorry I didn't make that clear. These are all from the "Letters to Sophie" collection, written around 1999-2000.

Early Cuyler
Early Cuyler

You had me at "Dick is great".  Seriously, this guy needs help.  "Totality of sexual ecstasies", he somehow makes it sound bad.

Missjewel22
Missjewel22

Minimally invasive is probably right!!!!!

Craig Malisow
Craig Malisow

Hi JB -- this is most definitely not satire. They were entered into evidence during Brown's legal battles with his previous wife. According to records, they were kept in a safe in his home, along with some very expensive jewelry and $65,000 in cash.

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