Crystal Crime Report, 2011: It Really Is the Female Version of Wayne

Categories: Crime, Whatever

As is well-known, when it comes to crimes committed by men, Wayne is the name. Less well known but no less true is the fact that Crystal (including variant spellings) is the female equivalent.

Oh yeah, she's a Crystal.
We first put forth this hypothesis last March and furnished numerous examples of Crystal-line mayhem as evidence.

And more and more exhibits in favor of our contention keep popping up. Clearly, we're going to have to make the Crystal Crime Report a yearly event.

And so with no further ado, here is this year's edition:

Crystal Lara Andrus: According to Harris County court documents, this Morton Ranch Junior High art teacher bounced a half-full glass green tea bottle off the head of one of her unruly students. The girl had to get six staples in her scalp to close the wound. Andrus, 33 and of Katy, has been charged with reckless injury to a child and is out on $2,000 bond.

Crystal Lejia: Will help the kids she drove into...for $1,000.
Krystal Whinery: This Lufkin Krystal was busted earlier this week after she allegedly stole a check from a friend in order to fund her Xanax habit. She told police she was already smashed on booze and drugs when she stole and cashed the check.

Crystal Dawn Johnson Smith: This peach of a North Carolina woman had been on the run for over two years after she allegedly coaxed a preteen girl into making porn for the entertainment of Smith's boyfriend, a soldier serving overseas. Smith was arrested earlier this month after a traffic stop in Washington state and is awaiting extradition back to the Tarheel State.

Crystal Leija: This Port Richey, Florida, woman reportedly got trashed at a bowling alley. On her merry way home, she hit a parked car, two fences and several mailboxes before her 1998 Honda Accord smashed into a home occupied by a family of six. Two of the children were buried in the debris, and Leija allegedly told their father she would help him find his boys if he gave her $1,000. Instead, she was arrested and charged with driving under the influence causing serious bodily injury, DUI causing personal injury, DUI causing damage to property or person, and leaving the scene of an accident involving property damage. (The boys suffered minor injuries.)

Crystal Gail Mangum: One of the strippers in the infamous Duke lacrosse case, Mangum was charged with murder earlier this year after she allegedly stabbed her boyfriend to death. (There had been another boyfriend-stabbing the year before.)

Krystal Norby: Canadian police say this 25-year-old Minnesotan posted homemade pics of herself having sex with two small children and a dog to the Internet. She's been charged with bestiality and manufacturing child porn and her two kids have been placed in foster care.

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John Nova Lomax
John Nova Lomax

A few months after the 2008 Crystal Dawn Johnson Smith kiddy porn incident described above, Houston's Crystal Dawn Wallace was found in possession of hundreds of images of extremely disgusting kiddy porn and is now serving three ten-year prison sentences. 

Women rarely have kiddy porn. Two exceptions are both named Crystal Dawn. (Dawn is in the second-tier of female criminal names, so doubling those up looks to be a terrible idea.)


Krystal Whinery?  That's comedy gold, right there!  Or a license to end up on an East Texas police blotter.  Eh... tomato, tomahto.


It might have something to do with them all having the middle name of "Meth".

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