Lesbian Lube, and Three Other Sex-Based Pick-Up Lines to Try at Your Labor Day Barbecue

Categories: Books

barbecue girl.jpg
Sure to blow her skirt up.
Today is Respite from Labor Day, which means it's best spent lying on your back for a full 24 hours.

Like seesawing or tie dancing, lazing is best executed with a partner. Partnerless? Never fear. Chicks at the barbecue will be powerless against your arsenal of timely pick-up lines.

If you get the feminist vibe
Who is that winsome womyn? Win her over with some wine coolers and your sex-positivity. Today, K-Y (the company that made the goop you found at the back of your friends' parents' drawers when scrounging for a Q-tip at the sleepover) aired its latest commercial for K-Y Intense, a sex-heightening gel. Normally, you'd want to wait until at least the third date to talk about clitoral arousal, but today's an exception. In a historic moment for television advertising, the commercial features lesbian sex:

...or at least lesbians talking about sex, "which is more respect than normal, unfetishized lesbians have ever gotten from advertising," you'll say. "It's great the way the commercial portrays lesbians as normal people -- since they are! -- and how they're not mud-wrestling while men shower them with beer." She'll swoon.

This too will be yours.
If you get the conservative vibe
You're in luck, because there's so much local material to choose from! Tell her how bummed you were to cancel the charades party you had planned for last Thursday. You bought, like, fifteen sonograms off of your pregnant friends so that the boys could have a go at describing them out loud. But then that federal judge spoiled all your fun by suggesting that forcing a doctor to describe an unborn fetus to a lady seeking to rid herself of it might just be unconstitutional.

Finally! she'll think. A man who knows what's best for my uterus. Gosh, you'll seem lovable, in an after-marriage, lights-off sort of way. You'll leave her dreaming of the not-so-distant future, when she, you, and your four unaborted kids will sing hand in hand -- right outside of Planned Parenthood.

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