Dr. Brown's Letters to Daughter Sophie, Volume I: Sex Should Take Five Minutes

Categories: Whatever

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Dear daughter: "Sex doesn't always have to make you see stars. Typically, it's the man doing most of the work."
It's been six years since we actually heard Michael Brown talk in court; back then, he took the stand to vomit forth unsubstantiated allegations that his daughters with third wife Darlina were being sexually abused.

Brown hasn't seen these girls in about two years, and lawyers in his recent criminal trial were wise enough not to put him on the stand, lest they open the Doors of Craziness for prosecutors. But Brown left a record of his, um, unique thought patterns and notions of fatherhood in a compendium of life instructions to first-born daughter Sophie, titled "Letters to Sophie: The Brilliant, Sensitive Personality Exposed (formerly, bipolar)."

We'd like to share some of these letters with you, with the caveat that you might want to first grab a jar of kerosene with which to soak and sterilize your brain after reading. Our first installment comes from June 5, 2000, when Sophie was around a year old. Here, like any caring father, he offers his sage, well-reasoned, totally-un-batshit advice on how to maintain a happy marriage:

Want to have a happy marriage? Empower your husband with a great big ego and he won't let you down. Shower him with praise -- tell him he's the greatest and that's what he'll be. Nag, complain, criticize, and he ultimately will get enough and find someone else who makes him feel good, even if logically it will degenerate to the same level. So divorce is not even the answer.

Crush a man's spirit by implying he is letting you down in some way, and he's utterly useless. The man wants you to view him as the world's greatest lover, such that you feel honored when he asks for sex -- say no and you crush a little bit of him. Yes, both man and wife should and will enjoy mutually fulfilling sex -- together (it is never fulfilling if you cheat -- temporary pleasure and immeasurable guilt forever). Yet, the man physically requires more sex to prevent hypertestosteronism and the...resultant idiocy of the male. Sex doesn't always have to make you see stars. Typically, it's the man doing most of the work. You are wise, not weak, to simply give him his 10 minutes of pleasure. Act like your enjoying it and he'll only take 5 minutes [sic]. Then, don't forget to tell him how wonderful he was.

And yes, you actually just read that. It happened. Deal with it.

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37 comments
Tunnel Mole
Tunnel Mole

Was he on the gubernatorial ticket w/ Clayton Williams back in the '80s? Wiki it ("just relax and enjoy it") re: rape.

Knute Chris Kick
Knute Chris Kick

WOW! What a freak, hopefully he is convicted and is kept far away from any child.

John Nova Lomax
John Nova Lomax

"Sex doesn't have to make you see stars. That's what broken bedposts and humanitarian awards are for."

rob
rob

I wish he and Warren Jeffs were my sex Ed teachers back in school.

jackie
jackie

What a creeper. Aren't his commercials still on TV?

Geezy
Geezy

Looking at his sex advice it's no wonder she started fucking Bagwell the first chance she got.... If you have a wife that looks as good as his (or any woman for that matter) and you can't fuck her for more than 5 or 10 minutes then you have issues, which clearly he does.

TK
TK

This guy is mentally ill and a pervert.

Carole
Carole

Daddy's baby girl should be glad she doesn't have to grow up with him around. I didn't think he could seem any creepier...I was wrong.

Dudley "Booger" Dawson
Dudley "Booger" Dawson

I think the only solution is to put my brain in a tub of napalm and burn the nightmares away.

Kyle
Kyle

Can we fire this guy into the Sun yet? No? 

Mindyuta
Mindyuta

What's sad is that most men pretty much think that way. 

big red
big red

He forgot to mention that nothing makes sex even greater than having your husband chase you around the bedroom with a broken bedpost. And that when the blows come, scream out in delight to boost his ego.

Jim C
Jim C

I;m sure his daughter will appreciate his giving her a heads-up that he's a resultant idiot.

JB
JB

At least he wasn't insisting on showing the one year old how to do it. 

Craig Malisow
Craig Malisow

Well, the criminal trial is over, so there's nothing to convict him of.

Cheetahkitty
Cheetahkitty

Saw one last night, but it featured a young,  handsome man who makes no mention of this freak, beyond promoting the Brown Hand Center. 

Jim C
Jim C

The hand center taped new commercials without him.

Allison
Allison

No, he seems perfectly sane, just an arrogant douchbag. You don't need to be mentally ill for that.

Kyle
Kyle

And hypertestosteronism?

bluntforce
bluntforce

I'll take "She made shitty choices in life, and consequently, rather than take responsibility for said choices, she scapegoats 'most' of an entire gender" for a thousand, Alex.

Hoodoo2222
Hoodoo2222

I was gonna say it sounds like good advise.

Craig Malisow
Craig Malisow

I'm going to go ahead and challenge you on that one.

Tunnel Mole
Tunnel Mole

Aren't these letters enough?!?!?!

I wish his parents had never spent "5 minutes" together....

Brittanie Shey
Brittanie Shey

Yeah, I noticed their GINORMOUS billboard on 610 N no longer even resembles their old ads. Image change!

Allison
Allison

oh and of course a wife beater, but again, you don't need to be mentally ill for that.

Wyatt
Wyatt

I'm sorry, are you Dr. Kyle? It's a perfectly cromulent condition.

Stump Beefgnaw
Stump Beefgnaw

Why aren't you challenging creepers like Brown on the idea that women should allow their husbands to treat them like Fleshlights instead, then?

Jim C
Jim C

Thank you!!!

Craig Malisow
Craig Malisow

A-ha. Understood. Yes, mental illness does not automatically equal douche-ocity!

Allison
Allison

Fair enough, and thanks for the correction. My beef was mainly with the implication in that comment that Brown is a douche because he is mentally ill, which correlation does not equal causation and all that.

Craig Malisow
Craig Malisow

FYI: He's admitted to his bipolar disorder (which, according to the Sophie letters, merely means he is extra-brilliant) and at least one shrink has diagnosed him with narcissistic personality disorder.

Wyatt
Wyatt

What the fuck are you even talking about? Because the reporter doesn't agree that all men think like Brown, he must be supporting Brown?

Brittanie Shey
Brittanie Shey

Umm, have you not read ANY of the coverage he's done on Michael Brown. It's not exactly glowing.

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