25 Signs That You Aren't From Houston

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That's right, you're not from Houston
Earlier this week Arturo Valdes was pulled over for speeding down the West Loop feeder road in the City of Bellaire. After finding "irregularities" with his registration (probably something other than a Bellaire or West U address), Bellaire cops called in a drug dog. The K-9 alerted to the 46-year-old Laredo man's gas tank, in which cops eventually found 230 pounds of pot.

Arturo Valdes, you are clearly not from around here. Had you been from Houston, you would have not expected to safely speed while brown through the city of Bellaire with a king's ransom in weed in your truck.

The Hair Balls staff has come up with 25 more tell-tale signs that someone is not from around here:

25. You arrive here in winter and start whining about the heat in early May. You think Labor Day marks the end of summer.

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Don't believe the hype
24. You expect UH (and even Rice!) football to get the same coverage as UT or A&M.

23. You think you're going to see something spectacular at Space Center Houston.

22. You show up at the Tall Texan (or the Marquis II or the Next Door) on an empty stomach.

21. You go to Marfreless alone. (On second thought, that might mean you are a serial killer.)

20. You belly up to the bar at Griff's and loudly proclaim your admiration for the "scrappiness" of John Stockton.


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74 comments
Paul
Paul

You pick up a Houston Press thinking there will be something worthwhile inside.

Jpknlnd
Jpknlnd

Assuming that the old Shamrock Hilton was a motel attached to a Diamond Shamrock.

FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard

I'm going to go completely opposite on your take of Galveston.  I think native Houstonians appreciate it a hell of a lot more than a transplant.  Go enjoy a cool spring evening at a beach house someday and you might see why yourself.

John Nova Lomax
John Nova Lomax

Paul Wall says: 

You don't know about swangers and vogues You don't know about purple drank (what)You don't know about poppin trunk (what)With neon lights and candy paint

You don't know about white shirts (you don't know)Starched down jeans with a razor crease

You don't know platinum and gold on top our teeth (what)Big ol' chains with a iced out piece (bing!)

You don't know about Michael Watts (nuttin)You don't know about DJ Screw (nuttin)You don't know about P.A.T. (uhh)You don't know about FREE PIMP CYou don't know about the Swishahouse man (what)You don't know  bout the S.U.C. (nuttin)You don't know about chunkin’ a deuce (nuttin)You don't know 'bout a Southside fade (nuttin)

Down here we be ridin D'sBut you don't know about choppin blades (what)Texas Southern or Prairie View (what)What you know about Battle of the Bands (nuttin)Down here we got ghetto grubLike Williams Chicken or Timmy Chan's

You don’t know about sippin syrup (nuttin)You don't know about po'n it upPurple drank so speech is slurred (what)You don't know about the way we talkBoys say we got country words (ha?)But I don't really care what you heard (okay)Cause you don't know about the Dirty Third

 

 

Eric
Eric

You wonder what and where this "Intercontinental" airport is...

regent032
regent032

You go into a "24 Hour News Stand" hoping to pick up the latest copy of the New York Times or an edition of the Atlantic.

your pal
your pal

you leave the house with a sweater over your arm....in case it gets "chilly" later in the evening....unaware that the only chilly we get here comes in a bowl with crackers

Megan
Megan

Oooh!  Another one.  You know that there are two ways to pronounce the word "humble".

Manxlucky
Manxlucky

You whine that Spring, Texas is such a long way out. 

Cinzia21
Cinzia21

You are surprised that the whole region goes into a state of emergency with just the thought of a snow flake hitting the ground.

John Nova Lomax
John Nova Lomax

You try to hold an organizational meeting for Houston Communists at Khon's Wine Coffee Art and Darts.

Dundle
Dundle

You watch the Dr. Brown hand center commercials and think about what a nice man he must be.

Syburvato
Syburvato

you assume that all Hispanic people are Mexican, immigrated here illegally, and have limited commands of English - ditto for any "ethnic" group that isn't Caucasian.

Bia2222
Bia2222

You can't tell  the difference between West Loop South and South Loop West!

Bia2222
Bia2222

You can't tell  the difference between West Loop South and South Loop West!

Bia2222
Bia2222

You can't tell  the difference between West Loop South and South Loop West!

MayorHutto
MayorHutto

You don't know who John Lomax is

Jeff
Jeff

You have no idea how to pronounce Kyukendahl.

DuckDuckGoose
DuckDuckGoose

You show up at 'stros games wearing your Red Sox cap.

You show up at Texans games NOT wearing old-school Oilers gear (extra points if you're wearing Bethea or Pastorini jerseys)

You gripe about how great things are in Detroit, NYC or wherever ...

You don't know who Rodney Crowell is.

illegal1
illegal1

You get on the light-rail thinking it takes you around the city.

Megan
Megan

You question the need for not one, not two, but THREE police forces in Harris County.You announce that you don't get why brisket is the barbecue of choice; isn't pork better anyway?  And why is barbecue sauce an afterthought?You wonder who this "Marvin Zindler" person is and what his obsession with ice machines is about.You see the billboards for Jim Adler and think...you know what, scratch that.  Ambulance-chaser lawyers are the same everywhere.

Mithayes
Mithayes

So many are so true. It was a bit much to expect a proper pint of Guinness from any of the Irish bars. 

Robin
Robin

1) You're surprised when you walk outside in the winter and smell your neighbors' wood-burning fireplaces as soon as the temp drops below 65 or 70.2) You plan a weekend of visiting all of the historic buildings we treasure and preserve.3) You're confused that the natives are equally proud of the Beer Can House and the Rothko Chapel.

Clay Wisner
Clay Wisner

You loudly proclaim that "this Chelada tastes terrible" pretty much anywhere

Clay Wisner
Clay Wisner

You're an hour late everywhere because someone told you get on "Beltway 8" and you didn't know that they meant "The Sam Houston Tollway" ... or you were told to get on one of our nicknamed freeways ("Katy", "South", "Gulf", "North", "Baytown", etc.) and have no idea which actual freeway they are

Klhilburn
Klhilburn

you've visited or at least heard about the Rothko Chapel... which just so happens to be recognized as one of the greatest artistic achievements of the second half of the twentieth century.

MadMac
MadMac

I think that's the point, the foreigners get there and are shocked. They want to know why the news hasn't covered this disaster and when the EPA is starting the clean up?

Alex Wukman
Alex Wukman

Paul Wall didn't name drop Frenchy's or Thelma's? For shame, Mr. Wall. For shame.

MadMac
MadMac

And you end up leaving with those nice girls, Newsy Times and her pal Atlantica but you're not sure why they have five o' clock shadow at 11 am.

ec342
ec342

One carries the sweater/light jacket in preparation for spending extended time inside a houston reataurant, mall, museum, school, office, or store.  Houston: The over-air conditioned capital of the World.

Wyatt
Wyatt

Wouldn't that mean you *are* from Houston?

FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard

His name sounds like it should be spread on a bagel.

Eric
Eric

Only three police forces? I think there's more. Namely, Harris County Sheriff's, Harris County Constables, HPD, HISD, and Metro. And then there are the police forces for all of the Houston-encircled cities, and the odd DPS cruiser here and there.

illegal1
illegal1

Mr.Adler does not chase down ambulances . . . he merely rams into them. Thats why they call him the "Texas Hammer".

Txmary29
Txmary29

Dont laugh; it happened to me on I=10 looking for the Katy freeway back in 2000 when I first arrived.

MadMac
MadMac

Or know that the Menil Collection is world famous, diverse, and ever rotating.

John Nova Lomax
John Nova Lomax

I bet Frenchy's and Thelma's didn't spot him any $$$

Megan
Megan

Touche, Wyatt.  Touche.

True story: My husband's sitting in his first week of law school (in Iowa, no less), and one of the first cases he had to read for Contracts involved Humble Oil and Refining.  Yeah, professor's pronouncing it HUM-ble.  Husband's trying not to make his cringes too obvious, lest he get called on.  He politely corrected the professor after class.

John Nova Lomax
John Nova Lomax

Also Port of Houston cops, Rice Cops, UH cops, those weird Homeland Security dudes...

Alex Wukman
Alex Wukman

Actually there are more like 30 law enforcement agencies in Harris County alone: Sheriff, HPD, Pct. 1-7 Constables' Offices, Metro, UT, UH, HCC, Rice, Bellaire, Southside Place, West U, Villages, Pasadena, Galena Park, Deer Park, the list goes on and includes Border Patrol, DPS, FBI, etc.

Megan
Megan

That made me laugh. Well played, sir or madam. :)

Megan
Megan

Also, thanks for the compliment!

Megan
Megan

I could only think of the three major ones, and I'm lumping all the constable precincts together.  THIS WAS A MAJOR QUESTION OF MINE WHEN I MOVED TO HOUSTON.

Eric
Eric

Well, like I originally said, including all of the "Houston-encircled cities". I didn't include the various campus police/security forces because I don't think their jurisdiction goes outside of a campus, unlike say, HISD. Also, I was thinking more in line with typical police forces, not the federal variety which usually don't care about things like traffic violations, violent crime, and so forth ;-) Great list, nonetheless!

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