Toys R Us Fights Hooters-Like Restaurant Opening Next to It in Tyler

Categories: Courts

No breasts, please.
The noble breastaurant concept has come under fire in Tyler, where a Toys R Us is seeking a judge's help in preventing a Hooters-like company from opening a location next to their store.

Why, the waitresses there wear tight sleeveless T-shirts and tight shorts!! Young children might be able to see through the walls and be exposed to such things!!

Since breastaurants always need to have subtle tit-related names, this one is called Double D Ranch. It would be located across a parking lot from the Toys R Us.

It is not considered a sexually oriented business by the city, but the toy store says it would still violate a lease agreement for the location.

A Smith County judge signed a temporary restraining order that, in part, prevented Double D's from "employing people to work in "'semi-nude' or 'scantily clad' attire" until the dispute is settled.

A hearing is going on today over the matter. We believe everyone should get down on their knees and pray that the toy-seeking kids of Tyler are forever prevented from having to see something that is not going to make them think of breasts anyway.

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Mel Sharkskin
Mel Sharkskin

Tyler's greatest and only contribution to culture is the band "Mouse and The Traps," which appears on every one of the "Nuggets" compilations IIRC. They often played at the Youth Center in my hometown of Pittsburg, TX, and me and my little hippies-in-training friends idolized them. Glom onto the songs "Invitation to a Public Execution" and "Sometimes You Just Can't Win." Mouse was famous for sounding more like Dylan than Dylan, during a time of countless Dylan immitators.

Oh, yeah, the titty bar/toy store: Aside from Mouse, Tyler was, and I assume still is, an ugly, intolerant place that is largely populated and thoroughly controlled by Southern Baptist extremists and a few other assorted hypocrites. Frankly, as distasteful as I find Hooters, I'm stunned there was even serious consideration given to granting them a permit in Tyler. But then, when it's about money, good ol' turgid Baptist principles become rather slinky.

When I hung out there a bit as a teen, you took your life into your own hands with the TPD should you appear in their little city wearing long hair. I visited there on business about five years ago, and my skin began to crawl as soon as I passed into the city limits.


One of the things I hated about blue-collar work was dealing with mouth-breathing idiots* who thought it was a really, really big deal when the boss sprung for Happy Hour at Hooter's. "Wow, bro, check out the boobs on that bitch, bet she's a really good boink; I tipped her $5 and she smiled at me, that means she's hot for my johnson...." The only thing sillier than a tittie bar is a PG-13 tittie bar.

*There are, of course, as many mouth-breathing arrested adolescents in the white-collar world as the blue. God save us all from managers who will never outgrow the frat house.

Mel Sharkskin
Mel Sharkskin

Almost forgot: Texas guitar god Bugs Henderson was one of the members of Tyler's Mouse and The Traps.

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