Longhorn Network's 5 New Shows: Why No One Will Watch Them

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Bevo, 24/7
The amazingly awesome Longhorn Network, which will provide all the UT anyone could ever hope for, announced five new shows today.

And no one in their right mind will watch any of them.

Of course, the Longhorn Network is not designed to appeal to anyone in their right mind. It's designed for UT fanatics.

But even a UT fanatic would have a hard time tuning in to these programs:

Longhorn Legends - A roundtable discussion featuring coach Mack Brown and the three biggest stars of his Texas tenure: Ricky Williams, Vince Young and Colt McCoy.
To be sure, the idea of Mack Brown swapping bon mots with VY and Ricky Williams has some appeal. But we're guessing they shot a season's worth of shows in one day, and the only preparation Williams and Young did was read the quick paragraph provided to them pre-show highlighting the career of whichever Longhorn Legend was about to be discussed, of whom they had never heard. Colt McCoy, on the other hand, will no doubt have boned up for weeks just to refresh himself.
The Season: 2005 Texas Longhorns - A look back at the magical season that began with lofty expectations and culminated in a Rose Bowl triumph over USC and the 4th national championship in UT history.
Somehow this doesn't add "...and the only national championship in decades upon decades." We can't wait for the episodes on the Louisiana-Lafayette and Rice games.
Texas' Greatest Games - A countdown of the 10 best games in Longhorns football history, as selected by a blue ribbon panel of writers, former coaches & athletes.
A blue-ribbon panel? Why, that's the best kind!! They can find 10 games not in black and white, we hope.
Texas' Greatest Athletes - A countdown of the greatest athletes across all sports in UT history as selected by a blue ribbon panel of writers, former coaches & athletes.
Is it possible that UT actually put together two blue-ribbon committees? That's a lot of ribbon. We are positive the show will include information on which of these people earned a UT degree or not.
Traditions - A look at the history of some of the unique traditions of the University of Texas, including Bevo, Big Bertha, Smokey the Cannon, the World's Largest Texas Flag and the Hook 'em Horns hand sign.
A season's worth of shows means, we can only assume, full episodes on, say, Smokey the Cannon. "Riveting" doesn't begin to describe it. And how can they possibly squeeze everything about the Hook 'Em Horns hand sign into a mere 30 minutes? You're going to be leaving too much on the cutting-room floor, Longhorn Network!!

We can't wait for season two, especially Bevo VIII: The Turbulent Sixties.


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38 comments
Michael A. Bartlett
Michael A. Bartlett

Looks like the writer is "juiced" before he looks, but then most falling down drunks are. How does anyone enjoy reading so much vitriol from a super- prejudiced second guesser? Am I supposed to get irritated, or just amused about someone who can't write about something interesting. I could think of better subject matter than this and I'm a long way from getting a salary for drivel to act as filler!

The Frac guy
The Frac guy

Maybe they'll do a show on Russell Erxleben and his investment advice.

highwayman Justin Jones
highwayman Justin Jones

I can't wait!!!  I didn't go to UT, but I'm a huge huge fan.  Me and my 2 cats will be cuddled up watching the LHN every night!

MaroonTears
MaroonTears

Whining is all the Aggy's do, and they do it very well!  If you can't run the big dogs, stay on the poarch or go the SEC. 

awesome
awesome

Hilarious article, and true.  I doubt even the fanatical longhorn fans who (using Steak's phrase) have their panties in a wad over this article are going to be riveted to their TVs to watch ANY of this crap programming.  Defending those shows absolutely ridiculous and you embarrass yourselves by doing so.  (but please continue because the rest of us are enjoying it)

Asterlingmom
Asterlingmom

Dick, You could have saved yourself a ton of time and just gone with: "I am incredibly jealous and insecure re: Texas' groundbreaking deal w/ ESPN". Message received either way... all the hand-wringing, obsessing (publicity) from the haters... you guys might as well wear the bitterness pinned to the front of your shirt

Joe
Joe

Did a Texas grad steal your girlfriend or something Dick?.

Cmhall8
Cmhall8

You seem like a very bitter person.

Those criticizing programming at this point either (a) are very short-sighted (programming will evolve over time), or (b) hate the Longhorns (which is really a tribute to Texas that people either love them or hate them, kinda like the Yankees, but none are apathetic).

The LHN is what it is. And UT (or any other school) would be foolish to turn down $300M for free promotions from ESPN.

Dead End Job
Dead End Job

I had never even heard of the "Houston Press" until someone linked me this article.  I guess the only way Dick can hope to get that all important promotion to the Houston Chronicle is to write bitter fluff pieces in hopes to get hits on his stories.  How hopelessly transparent. 

Xch
Xch

Sounds like somebody probably applied for a job and got denied. Thank goodness. I don't think viewers are looking for snotty opinion pieces.

Steak
Steak

Every single school would take UT's network deal in half a second.  The bitterness and jealousy over the LHN makes me smile because it's showcasing the hypocrisy of our rivals as they struggle with the idea that Texas was actually able to pull this off and the knowledge that their own school doesn't have the prestige, following, leadership, or success to do anything close to this.  Our friends in College Station spend years of their lives being sold a bill of goods of how special they are and the brainwashing begins as entering freshmen.  Things like the LHN are a major slap in the face for them because it's so clear that reality is totally different from the arrogant mantra they believe about themselves and laughs in the face of the ridiculous things they do while constantly trying to validate to themselves how wonderfully magical is is to be from Texas Agriculture and Mechanical University.

No matter how many times you bend over and cheer "Farmers Fight!" to your boy cheerleaders, you and I both know nobody cares about the goings on in College Station besides those who were brainwashed to care.  Just know your place and deal with it and you guys might actually get out of this thing without looking like bigger cry babies than you are already coming across as.  Nobody likes a whiner.

Mack Brown
Mack Brown

no wonder Newspaper is a dying medium 

huxleyhorn
huxleyhorn

The penis envy in the state of Texas is unreal. The LHN is an ESPN network. UT does not own it, they provide the bulk of the content for the network. Your green -eyed article just goes to show why the network will be sucessful.

Jdb95i
Jdb95i

Poor bitter aggy

MythBuster
MythBuster

Lighten up louise. Very well written.  Hilarous and fun to read.

My favorite:  Texas' Greatest Games - A countdown of the 10 best games in Longhorns football history, as selected by a blue ribbon panel of writers, former coaches & athletes.A blue-ribbon panel? Why, that's the best kind!! They can find 10 games not in black and white, we hope. Texas' Greatest Athletes - A countdown of the greatest athletes across all sports in UT history as selected by a blue ribbon panel of writers, former coaches & athletes.Is it possible that UT actually put together two blue-ribbon committees? That's a lot of ribbon. We are positive the show will include information on which of these people earned a UT degree or not.

SixPack
SixPack

What a bitter article.  

Mh
Mh

Texas sucks! Horns down !

'Ol Sarge
'Ol Sarge

Whining is all the Aggy's do, and they do it very well!  If you can't run the big dogs, stay on the poarch or go the SEC. *Aggies*run WITH the big dogs*porch*go TO the SEC

Maybe the LHN can also develop a show devoted to remedial spelling.  God knows their fan base needs it!

'Ol Sarge
'Ol Sarge

NCAA Football Coaches Poll

Texas A&M University - # 9tu - # 24

Look forward to a decade of getting your assess handed to you every Thanksgiving t-sips :)  But, don't worry, you can relive the 2005 Rose Bowl NC game over and over now thanks to the LHSN !  Maybe in another 40 years you can win another one!

SuckItAg
SuckItAg

You haters make no sense.  If no one will watch then why are you bitching about high school games?  Make up your mind.  Is it an unfair advantage or will no one watch it.  I have a really hard time seeing how it could be both.

Deancox
Deancox

Please don't compare the horns to the Yankees.  They are even close and never will be.

Deancox
Deancox

The truth hurts.  Hook that!

rgwalt
rgwalt

Coming from out of state, I still find the concept that UT has a "national" following laughable.  There are schools out there with a national following, but I don't think many people in, say, Boston are tuning in for UT football.  The majority of out-of-staters watching the UT network will be from the Big 12 states, and possibly Louisiana and Arkansas.

UT has a good share of non-alum fans, but nothing like Notre Dame, or even Ohio State.  Granted the Irish are basically a non-entity in college football these days, but they still draw a truly national audience each week.  There are millions of ND fans across the country who tune in every week, but never went and will never go to ND.  Can the Longhorns say the same thing?  I think not...

guest
guest

Saying UT doesn't own the LHN is dishonest at best.  They're being paid huge sums for the content and have the right to fire anyone at their discretion.  That means they have a pretty huge stake and quite a bit of control in the whole deal.

Deancox
Deancox

Horns are just mad because they can't get their way.

Ray Guy
Ray Guy

Poor Joe six pack. Ha ha ha ha

Steak
Steak

On one hand we have your opinion.  On the other, we have $300 million dollars from ESPN (Texas also annually tops all NCAA teams nationwide in merchandise sales).

Whether it's national or regional interest, The University of Texas nor ESPN really seem to care about your experience from out of state.

Steak
Steak

You have no idea what you're talking about.  DeLoss Dodds and The University of Texas thank you for your ignorance.

rgwalt
rgwalt

I agree, UT would have been foolish to turn this deal down.  It is GREAT for UT, money and exposure are good things. 

I don't have my "panties in a wad", but I do think that the concept of this network will be a failure and ESPN will pull it within a few years, if not in the first year.  Again, I could be proved wrong, but I don't think that UT has the fan base to pull this concept off.

Steak
Steak

UT gets $300 million whether ESPN makes money or not, which is a point nobody seems to get.  The station is owned by ESPN, not Texas.  It's up to ESPN to make money, which they have shown to be pretty good at.

There is now way ANY school would have turned this deal down.  And that's the main point.  Fans (and media that placates to fans) of schools who could never pull this deal off have their panties in a wad and I find it extremely funny.  Actually, I want to thank you all for the extra exposure and attention being drawn to its existence.  I'm sure the recruits are noticing, so for that, we thank you.

rgwalt
rgwalt

I'm sure that UT couldn't care less about my experience or opinion, never said that they would or should.  I think the proof will be in the success or failure of the network to actually make money.  If the network can attract enough viewers, and ESPN can attract enought advertisers, then I will happily admit that I'm wrong.

Deancox
Deancox

Horns are on the same level as the Yanks.  LMAO!

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