Chris Bosh's Hideous Back Tattoo Gives Me an Idea

imawsometat.jpg
"Awsome," maybe, but you're no Chris Bosh.
My views on tattoos have been made clear in this space before: I don't begrudge people getting a tattoo, or even several tattoos. It's legal, it's your body, do what you want with it. I just would like to be around to see the people who cover every inch of their body in ink all turn 70 or 75 and see if they still think they made the right decision.

I think it would make for a fascinating television show in the year 2060 to see tat-covered octogenarians try to explain the reasons behind each tattoo and emote about how ridiculous they feel slipping their Depends undergarments onto a pelvic region covered in charcoal pictures of skeletons and trees.

I'd watch that show. Especially during "Ex-NBA Players Week." Which brings me to Miami Heat forward Chris Bosh's new back art.

I guess Chris Bosh had a tattoo artist fly in to spend a few days carving out this new masterpiece:

BB Tatt - Bosh.jpg

I'm going to assume this guy is one of the best at what he does (the artist, not Bosh) because that's an inherent corollary of the "being flown in to do [X]" theory -- people don't fly other people in to do a job at which they are merely average. Surgeons, nannies, guest speakers, hookers, tattoo artists. If any of these people are being flown in to do a job, assume they're really good at their "thing."

So with that assumption firmly in place, I can only guess that if this tattoo (really, it's more like a set of tattoos) is what Bosh wanted, then he has fallen under the spell of some bad drugs in Miami, and that's a shame. I have to believe that this wouldn't have happened if he had just accepted Daryl Morey's Bachelor rose (which was actually an iPad) and decided to take his talents to South downtown Houston.

As best I can tell, the Bosh tattoo appears to be some melange of tigers eating old men sitting in a tree, all while an eagle screams across the small of Bosh's back at a zombie version of Jennie Garth who is making love to Luke Perry's skull.

Translation: Chris Bosh is a patriotic fan of Beverly Hills 90210 with daddy issues. Daddy issues so bad he wishes a tiger would eat his daddy.

I don't think we can unring the tattoo bell. In fact, with the evolution of the tattoo industry from harmless single bicep tattoo to "my body is the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel," with every future tattoo wearer that dies and gets buried, we lose priceless art. So I am making my appeal to the government -- as soon as you're done fixing the economy, terrorism, content piracy, teenage pregnancy, drugs and general squalor (hopefully like next week some time), could you please add a check box to the driver's license application whereby body tattoo wearers (is that what you call someone who is covered in them?) would donate their torsos to my museum -- the Pendergast Torso Tattoo Museum.

Imagine bringing the field trips that kids could take as they walk down the NBA wing to gaze at the wonderment of Monta Ellis's Giving Tree...

BB Tatt - Monta.jpg

...Udonis Haslem's state of Florida...

BB Tatt - HaslemUSE.jpg

...or Andrei Kirilenko's apparent tribute to Terminix (I'm pretty sure that his tattoo is a closeup of a roach or some type of varmint).

BBTatt - Kirilenko.jpg

And the Mona Lisa spot would go to Bosh, for he is the inspiration for the museum, and an inspiration to patriotic, Beverly Hills 90210-loving people with daddy issues everywhere.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on Yahoo! Sports Radio (Sirius 94, XM 208) and 1560 The Game in Houston, and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.



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10 comments
miss_msry
miss_msry

I'm impressed by Andrei Kirilenko's tatoo.  Not that I would want it, but it's still a beauty.  And I think it is a flying dragon ridden by a Roman Centurian or something along those lines.

Jim C
Jim C

I wonder if Bosh spent less time in the tatto parlor and more time in the gym, he'd have a ring now.  Hmmm.  Same goes for LeBron.

ahem!
ahem!

Notice there aren't tattoos on his arms.  Kevin Durant has the same thing.  Business tats...  I wonder if Stern sent out a league wide memo promoting business tats.  Monta Ellis was out of the office that day.

big red
big red

Man, Monta Ellis certainly has a reason to avoid going Shawn Kemp on us now. Can you imagine that chest complete with pot belly and man boobs? It would be against the law for him to go shirtless anywhere but his own bathroom.

wall graphics
wall graphics

Tattoo for me is art and beauty. Some people in this world go on tattoo in their different parts of their body even in their faces because it's one of their tradition. Well my first tattoo was the first picture above- "I'm awesome" 

Kara Demeyere
Kara Demeyere

Bad tattoos are bad no matter what the age. What I find more interesting to contemplate is how different people's perceptions will be in 30 years. To imagine the same reaction in the future as present day is to deny how far body art has evolved both in style and image perception. The current first lady of Germany has a tattoo and Lady Randolph Churchill had a snake inked around her wrist. Personally I think my tatts will get me extra pudding at the senior's home when the time comes. The tired question of what about when one is old and inked is rather ridiculous in a society that starts botoxing in our 20's. We have little respect and physical admiration for the aged with or without tattoos. As Auntie Mame said, "Live! Live! Live!"

Katy
Katy

"I think it would make for a fascinating television show in the year 2060 to see tat-covered octogenarians try and explain the reasons behind each tattoo and emote about how ridiculous they feel slipping their Depends undergarments onto a pelvic region covered in charcoal pictures of skeletons and trees."

This sounds like a job for Hlaverty.Don't TELL him you intend to use him for an octogenerian guinea pig, though. I think that guy might be packing heat...

Maggie_Mae
Maggie_Mae

Personally, I'm not tattooed, but find the "how will they look when they get old?" question rather stupid.  Most of us know enough to cover any parts of our bodies showing extreme decrepitude; clothing is good!  So the general public won't have to be offended by ink on wrinkles.

When undressed, the inked senior can have a happy memory of when he or she was young & hot.  Who will that hurt?

Bamaluke
Bamaluke

Isn't the "first lady" of Germany a dude, or is Angela Merkel a lesbian?

ahem!
ahem!

Jennie Garth might be improved by a few liver spots or varicose veins.  Who knows...

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