Biggest Loser, v 2.0 -- Dallas Cowboys WR Roy Williams
I know when I unveiled the "Biggest Loser" feature several weeks ago, it was positioned as a way to broadly discuss nameless groups of people who engage in something stupid or deplorable. Mostly stupid. It was meant as a way to point out a general group of people doing one very specific, moronic thing.
Roy Williams has ring troubles.
So far, the list of past winners looks like this:
Biggest Loser, v 1.0 -- Brewer Lawn Ornament Hoarder
Yeah, I'm still getting this feature off the ground, and already I have one specific person who has me breaking my "group of people" rule.
Enter Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams.
He recently purchased a $76,000 engagement ring for his now former girlfriend, 2009 Miss Texas USA Brooke Daniels, and proposed to her this spring. The proposal didn't work out, and now Williams is suing Daniels to return the ring.
Daniels told Williams that she had lost the ring, which prompted the lawsuit (which names Brooke and her father Michael Daniels), but since then her father has indicated he has the ring and he intends to return it to Williams so that there are no future hassles.
That's the backstory. The list of reasons Roy Williams has cracked the "Biggest Loser" barrier:
1. He spent $76,000 on an engagement ring
Roy Williams, who in 2007 famously (or infamously) outlined his
non-tipping strategy with pizza deliverymen, spent $76,000 on a ring for his girlfriend. Soak that in for a second.
I'm not a cheapskate, but I'm not super loose with my money either, mostly because I lack the type of income that brings "super loose" into play. Life in general and a radio host's salary have created my own version of a "lifestyle hard cap." So maybe that's the reason why I can't understand why people, even people with the means, spend ungodly amounts of money on engagement rings.
I mean, at the end of the day, the utility of a half-karat engagement ring is still the same as a ten-karat engagement ring -- it still just sits there on your fiancée's hand. At least when people overspend on cars, houses, vacations or call girls, you're presumably getting additional useability and/or luxury for the money you're spending.
Okay, so Roy Williams is, at the very least, a poor shopper.
2. After purchasing the ring, Williams mailed it, along with a video proposal, to Daniels
First, has Williams never watched Seinfeld? On a cast full of self-centered, slimy characters, the slimiest character on the show was the postal worker, Newman. $76,000 is probably a couple years' work for most people in the postal department; that's a tad too trusting, if you ask me. Hell, at least tell me that he slapped one of those "Track your package" bar code deals on there to keep the post office honest.
Second, I don't fancy myself to know everything about women. In fact, my body of work would show that I probably know very little about them. But I'm fairly certain that a video marriage proposal arriving in a scuffed up PRIORITY MAIL envelope is not what "every little girl" has in mind when they're playing their pretend proposal in their mind's eye growing up. Trust me, if women liked having their proposals mailed to them, that's how all men would do it.
Also, someone needs to tell Roy that you can actually e-mail videos now, or even tweet them on twitvid.com. I'd like to think he sent her a clunky VHS tape in one of those bubble wrap-lined manila envelopes.
3. Williams also mailed Daniels $5,000 for school and dental bills
Isn't that how it always goes with a woman? She sticks you with the tab to get her all educated up and get her teeth straightened, and then, brimming with newfound confidence and some big college words, they go find someone better! Do we know if Daniels is now dating Miles Austin, or if she's in the middle of a fling with Dez Bryant (whose jewelry bill makes Williams's $76,000 look like child's play)?
4. After getting rejected, Williams boldly told Daniels that he wouldn't need the ring back, that she'd return to him
According to the Odessa American, Michael Daniels said, "[Roy] said to [Brooke], 'I'm not like a lot of people, I don't want the ring back. You'll eventually come back to me,' and she didn't."
That's exactly why you don't spend $76,000 on a ring. Not because it's a terrible value if she says "Yes" (which it still is), but it's way too much to be able to say, "Fine. Kiss my ass. I don't want the ring back anyway, bitch" and mean it. Clearly, it was too much for Roy Williams to mean it.
He lost his girlfriend, he lost several thousand dollars and he lost his dignity.
Indeed, Roy Williams is today's "Biggest Loser." Version 2.0.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game and Sporting News Radio (Sirius 94 and XM 208) from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.