Five Things to Dread About the Fourth of July

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God bless America
This Friday begins a long weekend that culminates in the Fourth of July, the annual celebration of everything American.

It's a time when many of us feel the need to do things up the right way, with big barbecues or big public events.

There are pitfalls to be aware of, however. Here are five:

5. Watermelon -- The cotton-candy of fruits
Every "traditional" Fourth of July barbecue has to include a watermelon. A huge, heavy, pale-green boulder that has to be carried around and then cut up with a machete that will probably end up in some kid's hands. You laboriously cut a huge chunk to give to everyone, and they take a big bite that quickly turns to water in their mouth. Fun!

4. Bad music
If you go to any kind of public event, rest assured you will hear some of the most annoying music possible. Slow-building country power anthems by some husky-voiced patriot extolling the greatness of America (except for that part where people are free to criticize it). Rockin' tunes about kicking foreign ass. And, God knows, "Proud to be an American." Is any fireworks display worth that?

3. The flag cake
Someone will bring a cake or other dessert to your barbecue in the design of a flag. Which is very nice and all, but the cake has to be left out so people can see it, and when it's 102 degrees, that's not really primo cake-storage strategy.

2. The amateur fireworks
Someone will decide to relive his childhood or impress the kids with his macho sense of fun by lighting off firecrackers. He will do this even though one very little kid will start crying, his wife will beg him to stop, and he's holding his fifth beer as he launches the biggest one he has. It's what America's about.

1. The political arguments
You should hope desperately that some point in your barbecue a relative or relatively unfamiliar guest doesn't solemnly announce that "we all should keep in mind just what this day is about." Because whether his e-mail forwards are filled with items from Free Republic or Daily Kos, it's just not going to be pretty.



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13 comments
jrs
jrs

Week, and not especially clever.

miss_msry
miss_msry

The Greenwood is over the top, but I love me some 4th of July. It's when our whole family gets together. Unfortunately at my house.

anne
anne

Miller Outdoor Theater usually has some good music. Hard to go wrong with the symphony, even if the obligatory Greenwood song is usually played and you have to listen to the deafening canons from the not-so-American, but still beautiful song, the 1812 overture. I would add to this list 1) people who let off firecrackers all night with long with little to no concern about safety or noise and 2) flag overkill in commercials (people waving the flag, wearing the flag, etc.). Yes, it's July 4th so be an American and buy some product you don't need.  Despite all that, I still love Independence Day and am still proud of my country, warts and all.

H_e_x
H_e_x

A shit ton of gunfire. Bullets fall down, damn idiots.

The Woodlands Biotch
The Woodlands Biotch

The entirety of this post describes my ex-life perfectly. I lived in dread of the 4th of July weekend. All that chest thumping. All the false bravado (from the man and his three sons - all of which had no military service between them). And the bitter irony that any remarks made in opposition to their uber-patriotism was reacted to with such misplaced fury it was easier to just be the one that made that damn flag cake and quietly sipped my drinks. Man, I'm glad that's my ex-life and not my current one. :o/

Jthompso
Jthompso

You left out the closing of Allen Parkway, one more time, and the drunken brawl known as The Freedom Over Texas festival,

Guest
Guest

What's wrong with watermelon?

chef504
chef504

I don't hate America, but I do have to say, in comparison to other countries patriotic celebrations, ours is a bit cheesy. The grilling meats and drinking is great, also any chance to make boom boom is great, but many of the other trapping are ridiculous. The music Is awful. There is also something very irritating about people who believe this is the best damn county in the world, and have never traveled outside of it. It's also repugnant to think that God made this country and thats why we are the best. It would just be nice if the U.S could get drunk together pour out into the streets and listen to great music. A patriotic Mardi Gras.     

Megan
Megan

What, you couldn't link to Katharine's vodka watermelon post?  That makes the annoying cotton candy fruit much better.

Fenterman
Fenterman

WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA SO MUCH?

Geezy
Geezy

Number 1 is easy. Not that it will happen, but anyone who decides to come to the house on a holiday weekend and spit that political bullshit will be told kindly to go fuck themselves and leave- it's as easy as that. 

And the watermelon- there are some damn good folks selling quality watermelons out off the grand parkway/I10 area if you live out that way. Pick you up about 2 or 3- ain't nothing better than a good ass watermelon, a swimming pool and bbq smoke in the air. 

Be safe out there this weekend. 

mollusk
mollusk

AAAAAAAGGHHHHHHRRRRRR!!!!!!!

MY EYES!!!!!  Quick - where's the bleach???

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