Lingerie-Clad Man High On "Bath Salts" Kills Pygmy Goat (w/ Fantastic Mugshot)

Mark-Thompsongoatguy.jpg
"Almost heaven, West Virginia...."
I understand my responsibility on Hair Balls is to provide sports-related content. But frankly, sometimes a story comes across my desk that is so transcendent in its dysfunction and so detrimental to my faith in mankind that it must be covered in this space, as a public service announcement, if nothing else.

(The litmus test is "Did the story find its way onto my SPORTS TALK radio show?" If the answer is "Yes" and the alert level on the quality of sports news for the day is firmly set at "BORING," then expect to hear about it.)

With that in mind, no setup is needed on this story. Just check out the first sentence (courtesy of the Charleston Gazette Web site):

CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal, said Lt. Bryan Stover of the Kanawha County Sheriff's Department.

If you need to go back and read that sentence again, (a) I understand and (b) do so at your own risk. If you read that sentence in the middle of eating your dinner, my apologies for the freshly spewed chunks on whatever device you're reading this story on.

Just so you can put a name with the face (hello mugshot!), this twisted redneck's name is Mark Thompson, 19, of Greenview Road in Charleston, West Virginia. He is charged with animal cruelty after police got a phone call from a woman who said he stole her goat at about 3:15 a.m. on Monday.

I could go on and on about how, based on his mugshot, Thompson clearly "outkicked his coverage" by having relations with a pygmy goat. I could lay out the hilarious details of the "police raid" on Thompson's home, which included Thompson supposedly screaming "Don't come in, I'm naked!" (pronounced "nekkid" in West Virginia-ese), or the gory details of the crime scene which included blood coming from the goat's neck and a pornographic magazine laying a few feet from the goat. (You can't make this shit up.)

(By the way, how very "West Virginia" for Thompson to be the last bastion of "dudes who thumb through actual porn on paper." Thompson, let me introduce you to this little thing called the Internet, where the porn is free and the pictures move! It's called streaming video. Hold still, Thompson, calm down...)

Instead, I will convey my feelings on this story by pointing out everything that is wrong with the first sentence of the story that I blockquoted above. Not factually wrong. Just WRONG, as in "God damn, son, that's just WRONG!"

1. "Police say an Alum Creek man"
Webster's defines "alum" as "an alumnus." Webster's, in turn, defines "alumnus" as a "male graduate of a school, college, or university." If Thompson is any indicator, I would say one commodity that Alum Creek is bereft of is "alums." Of high school, of junior high, of clown college, of anything.

2. "high on bath salts"
I'm not a "drug guy," so inherently I'm not up to speed on what the kids these days are taking to get their "high" on. But bath salts? Really? I'm not even totally sure what bath salts are, so I had my producer, Brandon "LeBrain" Strange, look them up on Google. The first story to come up was a story about this exact phenomenon -- high via "bath salt" -- coming from Fulton, Mississippi. That was enough for me. The first two stories of "bath salt high" brought to my attention are from West Virginia and Mississippi. Not Southern California. Not suburban Chicago. Not Fairfield County, Connecticut. Not Katy, Texas. Translation: It's an inbred, redneck designer drug. Continuing....

3. "killed his neighbor's pygmy goat"
Like bath salts, I didn't even know there was such a thing as a "pygmy goat." A "pygmy goat"? Pygmies are funny. Goats are funny. Pygmy goats are fucking really funny! Definite "whole is greater than sum of the parts" situation. Apparently, the goat was a gift from someone named Lisa Powers to her grandson. Whatever happened to Hot Wheels or board games being suitable gifts for a four-year-old. Livestock?

4. "neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties"
This calls into question the goat actually being "stolen." How can we be sure that Thompson didn't look so alluring in the lingerie that the goat decided to go check him out? How do we know the goat wasn't some kind of peeping Tom that was caught in the act and then invited inside by Thompson, or even worse forced himself into the domicile?

5. "next to the dead animal"
Even worse, with the bloody crime scene, how do we not know that Thompson wasn't defending himself from the goat's unwanted advances? I think we're all very quick to persecute a 19-year-old young man who was just innocently sitting in his own house, minding his own business in a bra and panties thumbing through some porn. Maybe Thompson is the victim, ever think of that?

According to detective Cpl. Sean Snuffer, police are continuing their investigation and Thompson was taken into custody by Adult Protective Services.

Yes, the detective's name is "Snuffer."

..aaand scene.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.



Advertisement

My Voice Nation Help
75 comments
Foot massagers
Foot massagers

Thanks for this nice posting i will come again on your site.

Krishnaagriculturaltools
Krishnaagriculturaltools

Thank you so much for sharing this informative post.. Stay blessed!!i have something share with u......Importer and Supplier of Brush Cutter, GS CG 530, FS-400 Brush Cutter in Chandigarh Delhi offered by Krishna Agricultural Tools, Panchkula, Panchkula, Haryana, India.For More Detailsbrush cutter

Caleb Jones
Caleb Jones

It appears that the k2 incense folks were switching out ingredients in their k2 herb blends once a specific ingredient was indeed banned. Lawmakers are now closing that loophole, but I'm sure this won't be the end of synthetic marijuana products. Even now, places like http://www.k2incenseblend.com have legal everywhere products. For as long as marijuana is prohibited, there will be a demand for a legal alternative.

freebase bath salts
freebase bath salts

Summersville, WV – A West Virginia man is facing multiple charges after a violent rampageallegedly fueled by bath salts. Bath salts, which are neither a bath nor salt, apparently made 43 year-old Mitchell Alderman do .

Loving MY life
Loving MY life

That's soo messed up.... Funny but wrong in so many ways! Bath salts are not the cause in this case it's definitely the cross dresser bestiality lover.....

Teri_shearer
Teri_shearer

I think a peeping Tom goat should be called a peeping Billy.

The_darkhorse
The_darkhorse

good story for my sister... poor little Goat...bahhahahaha!...I do feel bad for the goat but holy crap, whats up with kid?

ablecynic
ablecynic

Interesting article but you are clueless about what Alum Creek means. Alum is a chemical that was used in many industries in the 1800's and many natural deposits were in the Appalachian mountains. It has medical uses for sanitizing wounds and to help with blood clotting among others. Please note the definition:

Alum ( /ˈæləm/) is both a specific chemical compound and a class of chemical compounds. The specific compound is the hydrated potassium aluminium sulfate (Potassium alum) with the formula KAl(SO4)2.12H2O. The wider class of compounds known as alums have the related empirical formula, AB(SO4)2.12H2O.

Here in Janesville
Here in Janesville

Well, we in Wisconsin have our own celebrities.  Our local genius was arrested for killing his kid's dog in front of them, and then getting it on with chickens and cats, not necessarily in that order.  He changed his name for obvious reasons.  No telling where he is now...... 

Steenr
Steenr

Your article is hilarious!!!  THANKS!!  I really really really needed a good laugh! 

Bammer
Bammer

 I'm from Alabama and I Have pygmy goats as well. We all know the best way to hump a goat is to put at the edge of the pond. Goats don't like water, so it will push back..... no need to kill it

annoyed
annoyed

 The irony of a Texan making fun of West Virginia for being "redneck" is just priceless.

Angiandthegirls
Angiandthegirls

It's a shame you have to make such comments about West Virginia.  The majority of people that live here are not like the idiot that was arrested.   

Normandie Trovato
Normandie Trovato

I'm disgusted by this story. The main time that West Virginians appear in the news is for stupid crap like this, which in no way represents the 1.5 million of us who live in the state and the many others who no longer live in WV currently. I'm all for making fun of this one guy because hell, I can't explain the whole thing with the goat, but for god's sake, please stop referring to every single person who lives, is from, or has ever lived in the state as a redneck. It's unoriginal, it's not funny, and ... it's bad writing. Just FYI: West Virginia is the state that brought you Chuck Yeager, Bill Withers, Randy Moss, Jerry West, Pearl Buck, Don Knotts, Tom Wilson (Ziggy), Daniel Boone, Anna Jarvis (creator of Mother's Day For Peace), Mary Lou Retton, Mike D'Antoni (head coach of the Knicks, so, yeah you can make fun there I guess), Jennifer Garner, Daniel Johnston, Kathy Mattea, Morgan Spurlock (Super Size Me), and also Booker T. Washington lived in Southern mine country for quite some time. And yes, we do have a sense of humor and can all have a collective laugh at Jesco White, the dancing outlaw. Just please, stop with this ignorant s***. ESPECIALLY when you're writing from Texas, where I have spent a lot of time... and can say with confidence has its fair share of ignorant, poor white people doing stuff to embarrass themselves and their state. And probably doing bath salts too.

The OSD
The OSD

Lets see...1. Sean, I didn't know you are a reporter. 2. Incomplete sentence (not sure what the intent is) 3. "Proud Hillbilly that knocks (nocks?) down six figures and don't have to hide behind a desk" code for "Runnin Shine" 4. "The kid in this story is out of line and needs to spend some quality time with BUBBA in the cell block and get alittle of what he gives" Hillbilly 23 has played out Deliverance one too many times "Them panties. Take 'em off" 5. Have a feeling that "I have road ( I have road????) a motorcycle" sounds like motor"sickle" in hillbilly talk.

HILLBILLY 23
HILLBILLY 23

This is funny to me that a reporter from Texas is making fun of hillbillys. From the state that has steers and queers. Im a proud Hillbilly that nocks down six figures and dont have to hide behind a desk and poke fun of people to make a living. The kid in this story is out of line and needs to spend some quality time with BUBBA in the cell block and get alittle of what he gives. I would also like to say that I have road a motorcycle in most states in our union , and you know what, their are REDNECK FUCKS everywhere. If you dont beleive me go out in your town and watch people. You will see that they are everywhere,not just in WV.

Rowedaddy2000
Rowedaddy2000

Id love to come to Houston and rape your ass you lowlife piece of shit! You want to make fun of West by god Virginians, Well let me give you a good reason to talk shit. Only Queers and Steers come from Texas, and I don't see any horns you bull ball lickers.

Richard Doll
Richard Doll

I'm just really surprised his name isn't Mark WAYNE Thompson...

Tunnel Mole
Tunnel Mole

i cain't believe y'all ran this 35 days late! (april fools' day) "Sgt. Snuffer" (from homicide!!!) was the tipoff.

Your #4 is HI-larious!

Btw, in W. VA, "high on bath salts" means they piled a bunch up in the bath salts mines (cleaner job than the coal mines) and clog on 'em for luck.

Pootananny
Pootananny

Bath Salts = MDPV (a stimulant). It is marketed as "bath salts: not for human consumption" to get around drug laws. Should've researched a little harder. It is also by no means a redneck drug. It's just an easily accessible drug that a lot of people all over the States and elsewhere are fucking with. Even the oh so modern and progressive Californians (or whomever you feel is not a redneck).

TheDizzy
TheDizzy

That "Bath Salt" is to cocaine what "K2 spice", aka "Fake Weed", is to marijuana. It supposedly gives you the same effects as cocaine. Apparently, kids in Houston love this stuff, I've heard stories of people even risking arrest to steal it. It's sold at skeevy gas stations and Head Shops. People will do anything to get high.

So That E Word
So That E Word

Dude I know where Alum Creek is. I live in Huntington WV and I would not go to Alum Creek for any amount of money. or moonshine.

The Dude
The Dude

He is a hillbilly, not a redneck, dumbfuck. Sheesh.

Ken C.
Ken C.

Wow! I am shocked that this happened in West Virginia. NOT!

Balt Salts are the new "redneck crystal meth"?Pygmy Goats dead in your bed?Cross-Dressing Redneck into "relations" with goats?

Yes. This could ONLY happen in West Virginia (or maybe Mississippi or Alabama)!!!

Great Blog post Sean.

ribalding
ribalding

Little known fact: West Virginia is the only part of America the indians DIDN'T fight for. Seriously. They thought it was cursed.

(Then Hank Williams died there, totally confirming the injuns' suspicions.)

ahem!
ahem!

Alum Creek pygmy goats, #kubiakbelievesinyou.

Goddard70
Goddard70

I live in Charleston, WV and this story is disgusting and pathetic. Our state never makes the news for anything other than this type of crap. The stereotypes continue to prevail unfortunately. The majority of our state's residents are well educated, decent people. Our state is no different than yours. This story is like many in every state of the country. The author of this article is a little behind in his news, since the Bath Salts epidemic is a country-wide problem that states are dealing with at the legislative level in order to make them illegal. This story was bad enough without the author making up silly details. The investigative officer was Lt. Crozier. There was no one involved with the name Snuffer.The humor of this disgusting crime is not lost on me or any other West Virginian, but we do get tired of always being referred to as in-bred, rednecks or as uneducated. Sure it's fun to imagine a place like that but it's simply not true.Kristy

WhyDoesGoatRapeFeelSoDamnGood
WhyDoesGoatRapeFeelSoDamnGood

If you're from West Virginia, then you are a filthy goat fucking redneck. All of you. Yea I said it. Its not like Im lying. Its too bad the goat died, maybe if it wouldve stayed alive it wouldve gotten pregnant and spat out a little baby goat and you coulda fucked it, cus your gonna fuck your daughter one day anyways.

JPT
JPT

I did some time in West Virginia...and by time, I mean my husband took a job there and I was stuck living there for a few years.

Let me say this, when you have a friend come visit you in West Virginia who has spent time living in the not so nice areas of Detroit and she is scared of the backwoods white folks that go to/hang out at Walmart at 10:00 p.m., you know it's bad. I mean, we're two white women who can take care of ourselves, comfortable being in a minority situation, lived/traveled to big cities, but holy hell, it was like the banjo playing kid in Deliverance had bred like a rabbit and all the baby bunnies moved to West Virginia and only came out at night...and because they are inbred with moths (because did I mention these people all look inbred?) Walmart was their street light.

During the day, the normal looking, safe, non-pygmy goat raping West Virginians came out to play but I'm pretty sure they dead bolted themselves into their homes at night for fear of being attacked like the gentleman in the story.

My sentence got cut short and we were then sent to Texas which is a whole other kind of hell. It's like West Virginia but it's mommy spent it's whole life telling it what a pretty girl it is when it's really not but it carries that attitude around that it's better than it really is. Sorry Texas.

Reader
Reader

You are really scraping the bottom of the trash can. It took only a few lines for me to realize I didn't want to read this article....if yoiu can call it that. What is happening to this publication? It's ignoring newsworthy items for this tripe? What a waste of time, space and effort.

CT
CT

Wow, I bet Sean is extremely happy about all the guests to the Houston Press tonight. Bonus he gets all this great constructive criticism. Let's see:

Mr. fuckthisguy666 (credit for not have fuckthisgoat666)

"general public that we're all inbred country fucks here" - I'm quite certain I've never thought of all the people from West Virginia as "inbred." And,yes, I qualify as general public.

" im on a smart phone right now" - Just curious if you were part of the "No Child Left Behind Program?" ... If so, you may want to get urrrrself a refund.

And "Midkiff53" - excellent display of intimidation....

"I would piss in your corn flakes if given the chance." Seriously? Do you have a Calvin on the back of your truck pissing into a bowl of cereal??? Please tell me you do..that will make my Wed.

Stay classy West Virginia, stay classy.

C Rwww.theshowspeak.com

Nathan Key
Nathan Key

Boohoo, West Virginians. News Flash: No one cares how you feel. Your state was separated from the rest of Virginia because they needed somewhere to send all of the pygmy goat rapists and turd burglars.

PS - Have fun brushing your tooth, West Virginia.

Donita
Donita

Eye opening article- I luv Cali ; no such incidents in The O,C,

The OSD
The OSD

Lets see...1. Sean, I didn't know you are a reporter. 2. Incomplete sentence (not sure what the intent is) 3. "Proud Hillbilly that knocks (nocks?) down six figures and don't have to hide behind a desk" code for "Runnin Shine" 4. "The kid in this story is out of line and needs to spend some quality time with BUBBA in the cell block and get alittle of what he gives" Hillbilly 23 has played out Deliverance one too many times "Them panties. Take 'em off" 5. Have a feeling that "I have road ( I have road????) a motorcycle" sounds like motor"sickle" in hillbilly talk.

Katy
Katy

Why are West Virginians so obsessed with sodomy and animal genitals?

Wait a second... Is this Mark Thompson?

Carey Hibbert
Carey Hibbert

I'm NOT interested in trying it, but are "bath salts" actually intended for use in a bath, like soap, or is it just a eupemism to get around drug laws? Over here in New Zealand I've never heard of bath salts being a drug, but for that matter I've never heard of MDVP either. We have 'head shops' over here, which sell anything legal or legalish, but bath salts is a new one on me. Does it 'work', and more to the point, does it kill the user? Snorting (I presume) bath salts because you like cocaine sounds a bit like drinking turps because you like whisky. But I'm uninformed. When did this sbstance come on to the market and start being abused? Very odd.

Racehero lovin West Virginia
Racehero lovin West Virginia

Hank Williams died here because he was a drug addict not because he was in West Virginia. Although I do love his songs. The only curse on West Virginia is it is Almost Heaven!! Be fore you down grade it or make bad comments, come and visit it. Enjoy it great beauty, wonderful scenery and outstanding mountain streams, camping and historical locations. PS: glad the Indians didn’t fight for it, just made sure less mountaineers died :)

Danielle
Danielle

just for the record...Cpl. Snuffer is my brother in law and while he was not assigned to the case, he was responsible to provide the media with the details of the case. So i suggest getting your head out of your ass and know what your talking about before posting shit, just sounds rediculous when you post bullshit stuff that you dont even know the details about. Did you know he was also arrested last year for f'n a dog but the prosecutors office wouldnt prosecute due to mental illness....

PearlandStephen
PearlandStephen

Why don't you read the some articles on the story, you ridiculous jackwagon, before you accuse someone of making up details. The story that is in the Charlston Gazette lists 2 officers that worked on the case; Cpl. Sean Snuffer, and Lt. Bryan Stover. Nowhere is a Lt. Crozier mentioned. You are the one making up details, and trying to defame someone.

Wyatt
Wyatt

I believe you. But the question remains: Who the fuck cares? There are plenty of stereotypes about Texas as well, and I don't see a reason to actually give a shit.

Tornado Tess
Tornado Tess

Bwahahahahaha

This (transplanted) Texan accepts your apology. I was raised in Oregon, but I got to Texas as fast as I could, married a man whose family has been here nearly 200 years and made sure my children were born here. There are some great parts of Texas, and there are some crappy parts. I am so sorry you had to be in the crappy part.

born in Colorado
born in Colorado

JPT, the truth hurts. I'm afraid your last graf is sooo right on. Another difference? We have lignite coal in Texas.

Mhark17
Mhark17

But not enough of a waste of time for you to comment on what a waste of time the read was. Which begs the question, how the hell would you know if it's a waste of time if you didn't read it?

In other words, it took you more time to whine about it that it would have taken to read it. You can always click on another link to find the "news worthy" detail you're so desperately looking for.

Those damn circular arguments :/

Adrian
Adrian

nathan Key, your an in bred fuck too.

So That E Word
So That E Word

Actually, we separated from Virginia so we could be part of the Union instead of the Confederacy. We may be racists, but at least we didn't want to own slaves.

I'm not butt-hurt about it, but I did feel the need to fact-check you.

chez
chez

yeah you just have sick freaks like the dude that kidnapped a girl and kept her in his back yard for 18yrs.  Or something like that.  That state is so weighted down with freaks I'm astonished it doesn't slide off into the Pacific.  Maybe the O.P. is holding Cali up so it doesnt slide in and contam. the whole Ocean.

Lael
Lael

You might want to do a little research about why the Civil War was fought. Only 6% of Southerners owned slaves at the time....what were the other 94% fighting for? And, in the Emancipation Proclamation only SOUTHERN slaves were freed...Northern slaves weren't freed until AFTER the Civil War was over. If you don't believe me, look it up.

I'm not butt-hurt about it, but I did feel the need to fact-check you.

aimfire
aimfire

 The war was clearly fought over slavery and only slavery.  That's why the Emancipation Proclamation was issued 2 years after the war began, and as noted, affected only southerner-owned slaves.  And nobody would have fought because their home was invaded by armies torching homes, killing civilians, and stealing food.  That's just silly.  

And as for today -- if we only could call people names and generally disrespect each other, our cultures and persons, that would build an America we all could admire and enjoy in freedom, love, and peace.  Then i would know what culture to be proudest of, especially if it was especially proficient in cursing and name calling.  Gosh, y'all, is this really the best we have to offer?  Why are folks setting fire to the great melting pot? 

Annoyed
Annoyed

You're the one who may want to do some research, sir. Start by looking up the term "herrenvolk democracy." Ask yourself why any soldier goes to war. Do you think the guys who fought in Vietnam or Korea all had a personal stake in stopping the spread of Communism in Southeast Asia? Do you think those southern sharecroppers and farmers were all fighting for "states rights?" Like maybe, I don't know, Massachusetts' right to refuse to enforce the Fugitive Slave Act? Sure, that's it. I recommend that you read some direct source history. Start with the writings of John Calhoun. Move on to some newspaper editorials. Don't rely on revisionist history--read what the people who were there were saying. They were pretty open about why the South seceded, and what exactly they were fighting to preserve, and it had nothing to do with tariffs and state's rights.

Now Trending

Houston Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...