Five GREAT Things About This Weekend's Rapture

Categories: Whatever

Blondie-Rapture051811.jpg
Music to be playing about 6 a.m. Saturday.
In case you hadn't heard, the Rapture will happen at 5:58 a.m. Saturday. All the good, Christian people will ascend to heaven and everyone else will be left here to suffer through unprecedented natural disasters before the End of Time comes in the fall.

At least that's Doonesbury's take on the situation, which is all the research we're willing to do. Apparently this all stems from some preacher buying billboards across the country advertising the coming apocalypse.

The Rapture coming Saturday? That is craaaazy. Unlike most of the other stuff in the Bible, which is all perfectly true.

Still, the Rapture promises some benefits for YOU LOSERS who will be left here sniveling on Earth while we're up in the clouds banging virgins, or whatever the proper version of heaven turns out to be.

5. Traffic on Monday morning will be a breeze
Do your worst, Gulf Freeway. There may be a back-up on the HOV lane to Our Lord, but ye sinners will be cruising like it's HISD's spring break.

4. All those cool old theaters converted into churches? It's movie time!
And people are going to want to be distracted, believe us. Also, since they're all doomed, you can show all the porno you want. Serve beer while you're at it, because there are no more sainted people than the dedicated agents of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, according to the TABC, so there won't be any harassing "spot checks."

3. Good time to get your license renewed if you can't do it online
Plus, you won't have to pay any traffic tickets because the municipal court workers MUST spend all their time praying, fasting and doing whatever it is God demands. They certainly aren't doing anything to move cases along.

2. End of the Tea Party
One of two things will happen: The Tea Partiers are right, and Jesus hates immigrants, Democrats and women who actually enjoy sex. In which case, the Tea Partiers are headed upstairs and you won't have to be bothered by them. Or, the Tea Partiers are wrong, and discover there's nothing that can be done about it and flail about in despair. (Or, in a longshot alternative, the Rapture doesn't happen. Just covering all the bases here.)

1. Astros season ends
Drayton McLane loves nothing better than God-fearing white boys in his lineup. Boom! They've disappeared!! Boy, the 1986 Mets would have killed in post-rapture MLB. But then again they killed in 1986.



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10 comments
Tina Wheeler
Tina Wheeler

 This is not anything to joke about ...and people don't be deceive because  NO one knows the hour or time it states it in the Bible. 

satan's little helper
satan's little helper

If all the Christians are gone, who will prevent me from shooting heroine, and having abortions all day long?

Geezy
Geezy

 Can't this shit wait? I have to coach a T-Ball game at 10:30 that day. 

Jackie8263
Jackie8263

ok, I think we will still be here on sunday may 22nd. But, I don't think this is something to laugh at or make jokes about! There will come a day that we will have to answer for our sins! 

BertW
BertW

 5:58 a.m. Will that be Central Daylight Time? 

Clinton Cohen
Clinton Cohen

Call on my devil Brother Lucifer  Come Destroy All God Fearing People Whoaoaoao

Tina Wheeler
Tina Wheeler

 I rebuke that in the name of Jesus that as Christians we bind all drugs from your life and self of calling you Satans helper. Be careful there is power in the tough and you shouldn't joke about certain things !! 

Clinton Cohen
Clinton Cohen

Call on my devil Brother Lucifer  Come Destroy All God Fearing People Whoaoaoao

Tina Wheeler
Tina Wheeler

 Thank you.... some will be gone today per say...because people die every die. The whole world  NO!!!  

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