The Ten Worst Things Texas Has Given to the Modern World

Categories: Texas

breastimplant050211.jpg
It's not nature's way, it's Houston's.
If we were to list all the great, terrific things Texas, Our Texas has given to civilization, we would be here all day. (Two words: Jessica Simpson.)

Unfortunately, Texas has also gifted America and the world with some things the world and America would no doubt like to give back.

There are only ten, in our view, although your mileage may vary.

So, world, sorry about these:

10. Breast Implants
Houston was the epicenter for placing stupid-looking foreign objects into the breasts of perfectly fine-looking women so that they could then bleed dry the bank accounts of doctors, bankers and oilmen. (David Schwimmer and Chris Cooper starred in a movie about it.)

There may be some good, subtle implant jobs out there, but the industry seems determined to churn out immobile, plastic-looking titties that fool no one. For this, America, we apologize. Or at least some of us do.

vanillaice050211.jpg
Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa
9. Vanilla Ice
Dallas's Robert Van Winkle did accomplish one great thing in his career: He ensured that the R&B artists getting ripped off by being sampled on rap songs got paid. Van Winkle Vanilla Ice had to pay up for his first two singles: Wild Cherry sued over "Play That Funky Music," and -- after initially saying he hadn't sampled their "Under Pressure" riff -- he paid Queen and David Bowie for "Ice Ice Baby."

Unfortunately, to help set that precedent, he needed to establish that well-off white kids could become commercially successful trying to he hardcore OGs, and this terrible discovery has affected culture ever since.

8. Tom DeLay
If there was ever a more idiotic Congressional proceeding than the impeachment of Bill Clinton, we'd be hard-pressed to know what it was.

Sugar Land's Tom DeLay was the behind-the-scenes impresario of the whole farcical, hypocritical, reckless, wasteful circus, and well, we're sorry. It is only a small relief to watch a desperate DeLay cling to D-List celebrity, like an old silent-screen star in the `40s, with embarrassing episodes like appearing on Dancing With the Stars.

7. Barney
When you have a child, there are many times you thank whatever deity you pray for when certain things become clear, like he's healthy, or he's not a whiny pain in the ass. Another great moment, at least for us, was when it became obvious our kid had chosen Thomas the Tank Engine over Barney.

He had flirted with the idea of Barney, because after all it was on TV and therefore magical, so we knew enough that if he was to get hooked, we would eventually go insane. Thomas, on the other hand, offered cleverly done action and the voices of Ringo Starr and George Carlin.

Barney came out of Plano; his godawful song never leaves your head once heard, the plots are insipid and his voice was used at Guantanamo on uncooperative Al-Qaeda leaders.


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90 comments
stevemagruder
stevemagruder

It's hard to disagree with much of this list as I'm from the U.S., not Texas.  Har Har
But I wonder if was written by a Texan on the verge of entering the Witness Relocation Program.  Lots of soft spots touched heah!

scott19674
scott19674 topcommenter

Uh, women who have had breast cancer might disagree with one of your picks, but you were too busy letting your cock run your brain to think that one through.  Shame on you.

nick5454
nick5454

Breast implants as bad? really. It's the greatest gift a girl can give a guy. You're just upset your wife has an A cup.

OD
OD

Damn this blog entry is annoying.  And I'm someone slightly left of center that voted for John Kery and Barack Obama!  But this list is not funny, amusing, or entertaining.  It's just a list of what right-wing associated things would annoy a particularly insufferable left-winger. 

Guest
Guest

wow. judging by the comments here, it's easy to assume that people in Texas have absolutely no sense of humor.

Anonymous
Anonymous

What a steaming pile of senseless hate filled vitriol.

Chary
Chary

Fucking idiot columnist. This is why papers make no money.

Shirlz23
Shirlz23

W was born in Connecticut. 

A_Caring_American
A_Caring_American

 Okay, so, what are you going to do to make up for it?  How about first you stop sabotaging all our textbooks with diluted views of history (y'know, but Thomas Jefferson back in, for one).  Then, you can stop electing dumb jerks to the House and Senate (though, not a bad job with Ron Paul).  After that, figure out a way to stop paying stipends to massively profitable oil companies.  Then, I think Texas would be absolved of its crimes. all our textbooks with diluted views of history (y'know, but Thomas Jefferson back in, for one).  Then, you can stop electing dumb jerks to the House and Senate (though, not a bad job with Ron Paul).  After that, figure out a way to stop paying stipends to massively profitable oil companies.  Then, I think Texas would be absolved of its crimes.

Ltflermy
Ltflermy

Rick Perry should top this list.

AnthonyWeinersWiener
AnthonyWeinersWiener

The Real #2 should read -

"Dick Cheney"

He fudged his "where do you live" answer so that he could be VP

(Our laws don't let BOTH the Pres & VP come from the same state)

Retnan
Retnan

 "if there was ever a more idiotic Congressional proceeding than the impeachment of Bill Clinton, we'd be hard-pressed to know what it was."

How about Clinton's tax hike or Obamacare? How about the banning of toilets with tanks that are "too big" or the banning of normal lightbulbs? Stupid libtard writer if you are a native Texan YOU should be #1 on the list.

And well done tit jobs are a good thing.

Surround me
Surround me

Regarding W.

Oh OK, if you want to forget this armadilla chasing whack job, well we'll have to. We hope he is picked up someday in a south american mountain where he will be creating some new havoc.I don't think America will recover but for decades after this hacks actions.

Concerned American
Concerned American

The writer of this article bashing Texas is about as ignorant as anyone I have seen actually honored with a column anywhere.  He wouldn't know a decent person if they filled his bonnet with feces.  Of course such an addition to his cranium would only mix with other feces he tries to pass off as brains. 

Gues
Gues

 This article is hilarious, but I can't help but notice, that for saying this EXACT same thing, the Dixie Chicks were completely crucified!  

Wynck
Wynck

It's "successor," not "predecessor."

Please retire soon. 

Heldt666
Heldt666

Make that 11 terrible things, you forgot GW Bush.

PATCHINR3
PATCHINR3

THE BIGGEST ONE U LEFT OUT THE DALLAS COWBOYS 

Krayerd
Krayerd

The Houston Press, no doubt a Democratic bastion inside the Republican controlled state of Texas. Can't we just get over "W" and move on, and I don't mean move on .org either. 

Neo Conned
Neo Conned

You left out the worst of them all: Texas textbooks. Without them, who would know that Adam and Eve were Christians and rode dinosaurs to church!

Steph
Steph

Add to list: Houston Press' "10 Hottest Female Sex Offenders."

Katherine J Smith-1
Katherine J Smith-1

 It's funny that in the W section you misused the word "predecessor". Plus, you forgot to mention UT and Mack Brown.

Suburbob
Suburbob

My God, all you lefties are nothing but a bunch of hateful IDIOTS.

Anescpl1
Anescpl1

Houston press = liberal garbage that promotes prostitution of immigrants in it's classifieds

Kykendahl88_1
Kykendahl88_1

note to the Chron, get rid of Richard Connelly before he hurts the paper even more.

chef504
chef504

I am furious that the TABC was no mentioned in this list of TexASS' social contributions. We still can't purchase liquor after 9p.m, Sundays or beer before noon. This state puts on this rough and tumble persona while being hamstrung at every term by the morally stupid. Seems the ones that make policies are told what to do by a bunch of whining crying bitching church ladies. Oh, and for the record" W" is and always will be a transplant douche bag.

ftexas
ftexas

Look what happened to the Dixie Chicks

Dude!!!
Dude!!!

It's a myth that JFK never would have gotten us involved in Vietnam. He stepped up aid to South Vietnam and had Ngo Dinh Diem assassinated.

Reg
Reg

How can you hand something to your predecessor? Your smugness can't mask your failure to command basic verbiage.

Alan8
Alan8

Couldn't agree more!!!

Ernesto
Ernesto

Predictable soft-left pablum.

BubbaW
BubbaW

You guys are full of shit.

Tjmcaleer
Tjmcaleer

You forgot the Dallas Cowboys, the TV show Dallas, and Lyndon Johnson

Will
Will

@OD 

 I loved the list. And you can say youre "left of center" all you want, but the world knows the truth. But thanks for saying that Mark David Chapman is right-wing!

miss_msry
miss_msry topcommenter

And what exactly is so humorous about the assassination of a President?

frank_0888
frank_0888

     True, but this fake texan claims to be one.  He is though, a true dumb-stump hillbilly who very much qualifies to his claim.

Maggie_May
Maggie_May

You had me until you started saying good things about Ron Paul.....

A_Caring_American
A_Caring_American

Okay... that posted strangely incoherent.  Wish I could edit it, but there doesn't seem to be a button to let me do that.  :( 

stevemagruder
stevemagruder

@Retnan So, Texas wants us to waste enormous energy through the use of incandescents, too?  Make that a bonus!

JC92
JC92

Idiot. Read #1!

Randy
Randy

We can get over "W" just as soon as we finish cleaning up the mess he made.  So far, this country is still cleaning up after him. 

Lefty
Lefty

 There is nothing more caring than a person who, instead of making arguments, calls people little names.

nhunter1
nhunter1

And your point would be....?

Gaspar Ramsey
Gaspar Ramsey

Why don't you go read a comic book, er, excuse me, I mean "graphic novel". More your speed.

stevemagruder
stevemagruder

@doctor_dakYes, they are.  Lefties like things natural, you know, like their food.  :)   (and those make great food too if they aren't filled with silicone)

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