LeBron's Mom Smacks Around a Valet Guy

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Res ipsa loquitur, bitches.
I've never been big into crime dramas, but for whatever reason, I've taken a real liking in the last year or so to shows like Law & Order and CSI. Even though the shows are pretty formulaic (like so formulaic that if there were such a thing as "Mad Libs: Sexual Predator Edition," Law & Order: SVU would be the video version), they're multi-layered enough for me to feel like I'm at least watching something smart.

This newfound television joy of mine has made me very mindful of reading between the lines, of dissecting clues. Basically, forensics.

I am now armed with the power to assess nebulous rumors and through the power of forensics arrive at the truth. So with that said, I am here to announce the following emphatically and with authority:

Gloria James (LeBron's mom) and Delonte West (LeBron's ex-teammate) did not have sexual relations.

To give some backstory, last spring when LeBron James was still with the Cleveland Cavaliers, rumors broke that James's then-teammate West was having an ongoing affair with James's mom. This was unfortunate for James on several levels:

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Photoshop fun of the happy couple: The web comes through again.
1. First and foremost, this violates about ten different chapters of the "guy code." I mean, seriously, Delonte...it's the dude's MOM.

2. The news of the rumored affair broke during the NBA playoffs. The Cavs wound up unraveling like a house of cards, losing to the Celtics. The fact that West is now with the Celtics shows that this may have been an inside job.

3. Not that Gloria James is a pageant queen, but...I mean... Delonte West? Dude makes Hedo Turkoglu look like George Clooney. At least if you're going to completely embarrass your son and torpedo his team's playoff run, get with Mo Williams or J.J. Hickson or someone who doesn't look like an alien with corn rows.

News outlets tried to validate the story (news outlets and Calvin Murphy, that is), but it still remained somewhat of an urban legend that everyone involved seemed to hope would just go away.

I am now here to put the rumors to bed.

You see, last night Gloria James was arrested at the Fontainebleau Hotel in Miami at 4:47 AM. Apparently, the valet service was slow in bringing her car around, so she did what any of us would do -- she physically assaulted the valet.

(Sidebar: Much has been made about Gloria James raising LeBron as a single mother under some less-than-ideal circumstances. It's refreshing that she has made the full transition from poor single parent to entitled rich person. That kind of personal growth is inspirational.)

(Sidebar #2: Could Gloria James just once conduct her unsavory affairs during the NBA offseason, as opposed to distracting her son during or near the playoffs? If you're making a list of impact players in the last two postseasons, sadly, you may have to list "Gloria James's vagina" and "Gloria James's temper.")

Okay, so Gloria James has anger-management issues. Fact. In the meantime, let me remind the courtroom (I'm in full-on Law & Order mode now) that Delonte West has had issues with the law as well (from Wikipedia):

On September 17, 2009 West was pulled over for a traffic violation while riding a 3-wheeled motorcycle. During this stop it was found that West had a 9mm Beretta pistol, .357 Magnum and a Remington 870 in a guitar case. He was arrested and had a court appearance on November 20. His trial was scheduled to be heard on February 18, 2010, but was postponed until July 21, 2010. West pleaded guilty to the traffic and weapons charges and was sentenced to electronic monitoring, unsupervised probation, and 40 hours of community service as well as psychological counseling.

Delonte's also not the most stable guy in the world either...

So applying relationship forensics, your honor, I am going to state with confidence that there is no way someone who would beat up a valet because she's tired of waiting could silently "date" someone who is bipolar and rolls around with guns just for fun without there being some sort of incident. No way, no how.

Gloria James and Delonte West never had an affair.

The defense rests.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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3 comments
ahem!
ahem!

And now, starting at forward, from Cybil Shepard Elementary School, Gloria James' vagina. So this three wheeled motorcycle... were Jack Ritter and Susanne Somers on the other two seats?

The OSD
The OSD

It is obvious that Delante and Gloria have different ways of dealing with delays. Also, I must say that "If you're making a list of impact players in the last two postseasons, sadly, you may have to list "Gloria James' vagina" and "Gloria James' temper." brought a tear to my eye.

ahem!
ahem!

GJV has a terrific inside out game, however allows way too much penetration./low road...

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