Five Presidents Who Could Kick Chuck Norris's Ass

Categories: Whatever

abraham-lincoln-wrestling.jpg
Abe Lincoln: Let's get rrrrready to rrrrumble.
In our continuing series of scholarly meditations on the United States Presidency, we now bring you a list of five presidents who could kick the crap out of Chuck Norris. Of note: only one of the top five served after 1908, although two honorable mentions came later. Where have all the real men gone?)

5. Abraham Lincoln The only man on this list never to have seen combat. Still, preserving the Union and ending slavery were awesomely badass, and it's little known today, but the young Abe was said to have superhuman physical strength. Trust us, this was one man you wouldn't want at your Festivus party if you were the reigning champ in the Feats of Strength portion of the holiday.

Some claim he picked up a barrel of whiskey and drank from the bunghole. (His buddy William Herndon later said this wasn't true. He only lifted it to his waist, but he did bend over and drink from the barrel.) Others say he could down a tree as fast as any three normal men. In arranged wrestling matches, he was known to pick up town bullies and toss them around like they were empty beer cans. Others say he could dead-lift up to 1,200 pounds and walk around with loads weighing half that. And on top of all of that, he was a helluva lawyer and (it bears repeating) he ended slavery. Chuck Norris couldn't do that shit.

4. Ulysses S. Grant
After running through a seemingly endless series of pussies at the head of his army, President Lincoln finally found a tough guy in the unlikely form of US Grant, a failed businessman and cigar-chomping chronic drunk. By ever-advancing and never retreating, Grant smashed the Confederacy in a couple of years; had Lincoln never demoted the preening-yet-timid General McClellan, the Union might have been sundered forever.

While his scandal-ridden presidency was by most accounts a failure, Grant's reputation for honesty remained intact, not least because of the severe financial hardship his family endured after his retirement. In fact, they faced ruin as Grant lay wracked in pain and dying of oral cancer, but the tough old general manned up, geeked himself on brandy, morphine and cocaine-infused medications, and cranked out a memoir that sold Da Vinci Code numbers and saved his heirs from the poorhouse. Could Chuck Norris do that? We don't think so.

3. George Washington
Sure, he kicked Froggy tail in the French and Indian War and booted the Redcoats off our shores later, and the Iroquois called him "Town Destroyer," but the most badass thing George Washington ever did was to head back to Mount Vernon. Had he done what very many people were asking him to do, he could have been Dictator-for-Life, and America might never have amounted to more than an English-speaking version of Brazil. Instead, we became a democracy, with more or less fairly elected leaders. Would Chuck Norris do that? Nah, he'd probably opt for the ruler-for-life route.



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22 comments
Juzehazee
Juzehazee

Andrew Jackson was so injured by lead shot that he probably had a serious case of lead poisoning.

Neojelloepilepsy
Neojelloepilepsy

Washington was a great man with a streak of Cincinnatus in him, but he was a poor general. He was named "Town Destroyer" in anger and fear, and is not something to be repeated with pride.

ajcolvin
ajcolvin

Thge Seminole were never "defeated" by Jackson in Florida or by any U.S. Military excursion against them. Although he campaigned on a promise to "rid" the area of the problem. The last attempt to remove them from Florida was in 1958 (see Seminole Wars) which failed. By then, the were entrenched in the Everglades (unavigible to U.S.troops then,) which had become their stong hold and settlement area and remains so today for many. They are the only NA tribe to remain on their ancestral lands, despite rigorous U.S. efforts to remove them. Jackson had better luck terrorizing the Cherokee,. Seminole, BTW, is the Creek word for "run away", their actual tribe to which they belong until a band left due to digust with constant Federal treaty-breaking. They continued migration and over time, ended up in the swamps. Rather stratgic, actually, and no match for Stonewall J.

Dude!!!
Dude!!!

A Secret Service agent who wrote "In The President's Secret Service" recounts how Ford would outrun his Secret Service agents and never return, which compromised national security. Secret Service had to hire track and field winners to the president's guard in order to keep up with him.

Dee
Dee

Jackson's parrot had to be removed from his funeral - for swearing.

Don John
Don John

Just a bad-ass article about a bunch of badasses. Good stuff, Lomax!

Evan
Evan

Pfsh, the story about the Jackson duel is missing one important factor. In preparation for the duel, Jackson layered his clothes in a desperate attempts to create some sort of 19th century bullet proof jacket, because he was a coward. After being hit, he walked up to Dickinson (who stood there in stoic dedication to the rules of duels) and shot him in the balls, killing him.

JB
JB

I think you're confusing Taylor with William Henry Harrison regarding Tecumsah. Taylor was sick during the battle of Tippecanoe.

Flash
Flash

Theodore Roosevelt kicked a guys ass in a bar fight. We so desperately need another president like that.

John Lomax
John Lomax

Jackson's main goal was to chase them away from the Georgia border, which he accomplished. On another note, some of the Cherokee managed to hide out in the Carolina mountains when Jackson "removed" their brethren; their descendants are there to this day.

Nate
Nate

This is inaccurate. Jackson did allow Dickinson to fire first, indeed, as the challeneged party, Dickinson has the RIGHT to fire first. He did. Jackson did commit a breach of dueling ettiquete when his gun failed to fire, and he recocked it and fired (the misfire should have ended the duel). However, Jackson did NOT walk up to Dickinson and shot him in the junk. Jackson either shot Dickinson in the stomach or groin area. From a distance of 24'.

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John Nova Lomax
John Nova Lomax

With around 20 healthy men under his command, Taylor defended Fort Harrison (named after William Henry) from a Tecumseh-ordered attack of 600 Native Americans from several different tribes during the War of 1812. However, you are right, while the attack was apparently part of Tecumseh's pan-Indian strategy, he was not on the field.

Mookie von Zipper
Mookie von Zipper

a popular premise, i see... your angle is new, but as badass as these prezes were, i don't think any of them could take chuck norris mano-a-mano... but that's like debating whether or not the hakeem era rockets could have beat the jordan era bulls in the nba finals, we can only speculate...

Mookie von Zipper
Mookie von Zipper

ah, the stuff of endless barroom debates... so what's your position on bruce lee?...

John Nova Lomax
John Nova Lomax

And if Chuck stepped to Andrew Jackson, Old Hickory would have busted a cap in his kung fu ass. Believe it, yo.

John Nova Lomax
John Nova Lomax

Pshaw. Lincoln could have tossed Chuck from Illinois to Kentucky.

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