A Real Boyfriend for Eliza Kruger (w/Best Trick Shot Video EVER)

I've never been a 17-year-old high school female before, so I'm not speaking from experience when I say that "I can see why Eliza Kruger would chase Mark Sanchez." I can only assume it's the allure of fame, power and money (perhaps sprinkled with a bit of a Latino thing).

Kruger's now well-publicized tryst with Sanchez has gotten her more than she probably bargained for -- Deadspin front page, Twitter trending topic, talk radio main course, New York newspaper back page (or as I call it, the "TMZ cycle").

Clearly, Kruger probably needs a reality check, a wake-up call to return to the world of homecoming dances and algebra class.

Fortunately, I have someone for her that will still scratch most of the places her soul itches.

Eliza, meet Johnny McEntee, University of Connecticut redshirt sophomore quarterback!

Eliza, that video is pretty badass, no?

That's the good news. The even better news is that you can pursue this relationship without fear of the paparazzi beating you into a disillusioned teen shell of yourself, and still have most of your cake and eat it, too. Allow me to explain:

1. You live in Greenwich, Connecticut; McEntee attends the University of Connecticut. You can attend college in your home state, meaning your mom will only have to travel about an hour or so to go clubbing with you. (Although word of warning -- I've been to Storrs. It is a countrified college town if there ever was one. All I'm saying is, "Moms" better enjoy dime draft night.)

NOTE: University of Connecticut has a women's rowing team. Kruger's mom apparently has her own "rowing coach," which leaves open the possibility of a female version of the movie Back To School, with mom going Thornton Mellon and joining daughter up at school. Bonus.

2. Back to McEntee: Not only does he play football, but he's a quarterback. So if there was a shred of the Sanchez relationship built around the two of you discussing how to point out the "Mike" linebacker and audible to hot routes, McEntee can do that, too.

3. McEntee is just famous enough (for at least the next 14 minutes and 30 seconds) that he's more famous than whomever your classmates are dating (And isn't one-upping those little bitches what it's all about?), and just anonymous enough that no one with a camera phone will care that he's Johnny McEntee. Life will be kind of normal.

4. The inside of his dorm room won't look THAT different from Sanchez's bedroom. (Maybe my brain is filling in the blanks from the Deadspin pictures, but the thing that jumped out at me about the Sanchez story was the fact that it looks like he's living in the room above the Cunninghams' garage.)

5. Above all else...McEntee is TWENTY years old, not 24. So no need to bring along the "Age of Consent" handbook. You're good to go.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from noon to 3 p.m. and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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5 comments
ahem!
ahem!

Sean, are you comparing this poor girl to that red trash can? If so, McEntee can hit it from 30 yards.

Sweet lava lamp, Tio Mark.

JR
JR

I am so saddened that Mr. Cablinasian is so cruel. Thankfully you are not involved in counseling and helping children. Honestly, you should be ashamed, afterall you point out she is only 17, how manly of you to bully her with your witty words. I only hope Eliza and her siblings don't read this hurtful, malicious and irresponsible garbage.

Space
Space

Yes JR, becasue 17 year olds are so helpless. Grow the EFF UP!

ribalding
ribalding

Frankie say, relax.

Won't you please let us know when you get that stick removed from your ass?

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